What happens after a divorce ?

[Ash]

I have a question. I know a number of divorced men, and they for the most part haven't remarried, and don't appear to be seeing anybody seriously. They tend to all live alone.

 

My question is (for those of you having gone through a divorce) is this a personal choice, or is it difficult to get back with people after a divorce? Are divorced people viewed differently?

 

I would like to feel that somewhere down the road, there will be a good chance somebody will come along that's right for me. I want to know whether the odds are for or against this. I'd like to go forward knowing in general what I might expect.

[tsgirl]

Well, it doesnt have to be a divorce, right ?.. I know a lot of people that after a bad breakup just wait on the sidelines.

 

I guess yes, it is hard to trust again somebody.

 

And if is a divorce then well.. it;'s all that legal ugliness and pettiness that adds to it. Not sure one wants to go through that TWICE.

[secret_agent_man]

Hello Ash!

 

Although I have never been married, and thereforeeeee never divorced, I do know many people who have been.

 

I don't think it makes it a whole lot harder to find someone, and I'm going to guess that it's mostly personal choice. I can understand why a failed marriage would easily turn someone away from relationships in general.

 

Especially in these cases, if these men's wives were the ones to leave their husbands, I would bet that one of the main reasons for staying single would be a trust issue. It would be hard to pick yourself up after that and open up to someone new...

 

I guess it's up to you! If you believe you'll find someone, and you want to find someone, then there's nothing stopping you!

 

Good luck, follow your heart!

S.A.M.

[tayandie412]

Hi Ash.

 

This is a very interesting question.

 

I have been divorced. During the breakup and divorce I didn't even think about what life was going to be like. I couldn't even imagine it. I was married young, and was married for 18 years.

 

In a way, I'm glad I couldn't see down the road. Not that it has been hell, or a complete bad experience. Its just that it can be overwhelming at times. I have made mistakes, some bad relationships - the whole nine yards. The real kicker here though is that I realize that I have learned from the mistakes. And I have not lost the belief that there will be someone out there for me that I will have an adult, healthy, sharing relationship with. I believe that with all my heart.

 

My way to get through is to not lose hope, to walk through the doors that open, keep an open mind, and when the mistakes knock you over the head, LEARN from them. What a journey... what a journey....

[Ash]

I guess maybe I'm looking at it from a slightly different viewpoint. I have come to realize after having been with my wife for almost 18 years that I haven't felt about her the way I should have. Until a couple of years ago, I did not even realize this, did not know that something was missing, had no idea how much more life had to offer. I simply didn't know.

 

Don't get me wrong, the prospect of divorce scares the heck out of me for many reasons. But it's been pointed out to me by several people not that I'm not doing either of us any good by staying together.

 

I just don't know if I'll appear to be damaged goods by others due to a prior marriage.

 

I realize that for me at least, one of my fundamental mistakes was marrying the first and only person I slept with. I realize now after all these years, I got things a bit mixed up in my head. I didn't know that then, I do now.

[solstice48]

Speaking as one who was left by his wife after 25 yrs of marriage I can tell you that for the person being left its a nightmare. There are so many emotions that arise out of a divorce that sometimes it's overwhelming. For me it all started (ended) back in Oct. & the divorce was finial in May. The reasons she gave was that she no longer loved me & didn't want to be married. No other explanation or any willingness to try & change things. Since that time I've gone over our relationship so many times it hurts & the thoughts of starting over again are really brutal. I don't know much about what my ex had to deal with but I can guess that in her mind she was already gone by the time she decided to let me know what was going on in her head. If anyone should have any guilt in this whole mess it should be her for not saying anything before it was too late & then walking away from our family, home & the hopes & dream we shared. So if your thinking of leaving be prepared for a flood of emotions you never believed you'd go through. If there's any possibility of working through what your feeling I'd say go for it. But if in the end you still feel its the best to break up then just be as ready as you can for what's going to happen. It will drain you & you may find out as I did without choosing, that life on the other side is way different than what you think it may be!

[inspire2care]

First off. who ever said that marriage was supposed to make your life happy. Happiness begins within and a relationship is the joining together of two unique human beings that can compliment each other's lives, but not make them a whole person. Often times a person can lose their self trying to be that everything for the one they love, til they disscover they no longer know who they are. The hardest part of marriage is not loving each other, but allowing each other to love themselves by fulfilling their dreams. We are conditioned not to hurt the ones we love, by not sharing all our doubts, fears and concerns with them. Instead we hurt them more by remaining silent too long. Honesty can hurt briefly. But silence can hurt a lifetime.

[poodlehead]

i am not divorced (may or may not be on my way), but my parents have been for 10 years. it is so true that marriage should not be your source of happiness; it is impossible. humans fail; it's in our nature. personally, i do think less of someone who is divorced. it shows me that they do not take marriage seriously, so why would they later? i understand there are a million different reasons--and some good ones--that people get divorced. however, i take marriage as the ultimate sacrafice of love. it's a lifelong commitment. and you say "for better or for worse..." so you know what you're getting into. divorce is way too common and it saddens me.

as for your feelings towards your wife, it could be because of something completely unrelated and you have simply labeled it as your love has gone. stress, a change, the lure of being single, even unhappiness with yourself. i would greatly recommend looking back on why you married in the first place, the positives in your marriage, the positive possibilities, and what it would be like divorced--in reality, not whatever the world tells you. don't get me wrong--it is very possible that you would be happy divorced, but more than likely not nearly as happy if you were in a marriage where you gave it your all.

[Hopingpraying]

First off. who ever said that marriage was supposed to make your life happy. Happiness begins within and a relationship is the joining together of two unique human beings that can compliment each other's lives, but not make them a whole person. Often times a person can lose their self trying to be that everything for the one they love, til they disscover they no longer know who they are. The hardest part of marriage is not loving each other, but allowing each other to love themselves by fulfilling their dreams. We are conditioned not to hurt the ones we love, by not sharing all our doubts, fears and concerns with them. Instead we hurt them more by remaining silent too long. Honesty can hurt briefly. But silence can hurt a lifetime.

 

Wow Inspire2Care, that is one of the best posts I have read in my breif time on this forum. I wish my wife would read this. It is exactly what has cause our marriage to fail. She tries to get her happiness from me, and when she was unhappy she never even told me about it until she was already read to end the marriage.

 

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My wife is the one that wants this divorce. I still love her so much, but I have come to realize that for us to even have a chance to get back together we need to be apart.

Thank you for that post! I hope other people read it and understand what it truley means.