She ALWAYS invites her boyfriend!

[BornToResist]

I have been friends with L for about 6 years now. She is probably one of my closest friends and we have been through a lot together.

 

However, she has a boyfriend she's been seeing for almost a year, and since they've started dating, they are inseperable. I think that's great that she has that with someone and I was excited for her in the beginning. We would all hang out together, even though I'm not that crazy about him.

 

One time a few months ago her and I were supposed to hang out. Every time before she has always brought this boyfriend. I asked her if this time could be a girl's thing, just her and I, since I was going through a lot at that time and wanted to talk the way we used to (you know, the pure girly stuff). She asked if she could "drop her bf off" with my bf (like a babysitter?!), and I said no, so we didn't hang out.

 

Now we haven't hung out since before that incident, and we made plans to yesterday. Then at the end of the conversation she said something like "we will be there at so-and-so a time" and I didn't catch it until we already got off the phone.

 

Why does she always invite him? She knows that I want to hang out with just her sometimes, but it's like they cannot be separated. I'm beginning to think this is kind of unhealthy. They live together now too, so it's not like they don't see enough of each other. I understand that they want to be together a lot, but it's like she can't hang out with me if he's not there! I don't get it.

 

What do I do in this situation? She knows how I feel. It's making me feel crappy and I'm starting to dislike him more and more. Am I out of line? Should I just accept that they are "one" now? I find that ridiculous since we have history and they aren't married or anything. We aren't double dating, it's only her, him and me. Do I have a right to feel the way that I do?

 

Any advice is appreciated!

[Mun]

ughhhh I know exactly how you feel. My friends' ex would come along on our lunch dates or conveniently "drop in" on us when he wasn't invited. If not that then he would be constantly calling her cell while we were out shopping or something. Annoying as hell! I blame my friend. Seriously, she should have put her foot down about having her own time. They too lived together so it wasn't like they didn't see each other. I totally disliked him. Maybe he sensed it and did it just to annoy me...hmmm..

I mean, god, he would comment on my bf and stuff... to me he was just plain weird !!! Plus I think he wanted to see if she was buying lunch, since he seemed to be mulching off of her. Wanted to keep a close eye on her pocketbook.

Listen, I think this is your friends' call. She has to say something to him about it --you really can't. Though it sounds like she wont I hate to tell you but you might have to find other friends to hang out with. That's what I ended up doing.

 

Later on they broke up, we are still friends.

 

I agree that it seems unhealthy. We all need our own time-separate from the SO.

 

best wishes!

[flower99]

that's a hard one, if you've already told her you want girl time & she isn't paying attention.

maybe try again.

Tell her, that you miss hanging out with just her. acknowledge you like him & everything but miss just being able to talk where you feel completely confortable cause you've been friends with her for 6 years.and him you only know through her, so you aren't as comfortable. (she's got to understand that) if she doesn't I have no idea.

Sorry I'm not much help,but yes you do have a right to feel that way. it's completely understandable. I would think she should be able to understand. Maybe just try explaining it again.

[Iceman26]

Be upfront and honest on this one. I might pointedly tell her that you want to hang out with her alone, that you want to hang out with her without the boyfriend.

 

If she has a problem with her boyfriend not being there, then there is something else going on.

[Honey Pumpkin]

That's really annoying, BornToResist, and kind of hard to know how to address, since you've already had a bash at saying you need 'girly' time together.

 

Does her b/f not have his own friends that he hangs out with? It sounds like he's pretty needy to go everywhere with his girlfriend, at all times.

 

I'd have another go at saying you'd like to hang out, just the two of you. Maybe go to the pictures and a coffee or something? I know it must be hurtful to feel second best, and I really feel for you. Maybe start talking about menstruation, shoes and what men are like in bed when he's there? Put him off, lol.

 

Good luck, that's really tough.

[BornToResist]

He is definently needy. And he's on her like white on rice all the time. She is WAY out of his league. Think gorgeous curvy knockout with personality to match dating the Star Wars junkie who goes to the conventions and knows special languages from Lord of the Rings.

 

I did know him from high school but I thought he was pretty annoying back then, but I was always nice to him. So he thinks that he and I are friends, even though I haven't had any contact with him unless it's through her.

 

I went to their apartment once to hang out with her, and he never left us alone. We ended up doing everything he wanted to do instead, and I would make comments that nobody seemed to pick up on. We drove somewhere and took two cars, and she drove alone and I had to drive with him because he felt "alone" or something. It is all pretty strange.

 

She thinks he is just so great, and that's cool, but it's a lot for someone else to take. When I lived with my ex, she would come visit and want just us to go out by ourselves, and we would. I don't know why she doesn't understand what she's doing.

 

She asked me once for my honest opinion about him (on the phone), and I told her I was a little worried because he seemed very controlling and needy, but he is sweet. She told me I was wrong, and I backed off. I let her know that I'll be there for her no matter what and maybe I just saw him on a bad day or something.

 

Now when I talk to her on the phone I can hear him adding in to our conversations, so we can't even talk without him listening. It's so annoying.

 

Maybe she told him my opinion and that's why he's always there? Something definently is shady, I think he's manipulating her but she doesn't see it. But that's a whole different bucket of worms. All I want right now is a few hours of her time.

 

I really don't want to lose her.

[RelaxByWater84]

I had friend like your friend. It was the boyfriend who always insisted that he go along with her everywhere. A bunch of us went shopping and he came with us. He was so afraid of losing that he smothered her. He eventually found a good balance. And my friend was too afraid to say no. Hopefully you can talk to your friend and tell how annoying it is. That's what we did, they had me say the things to her. Hope this helps.

[craign]

I think you should give it time.Most importantly dont force her to decide between him or you because you might not like the result.It sounds like shes trying to keep two people happy and probally overwhelmed.Alot of people know balance,some people dont.I remember a girlfriend back when i was in high school.I smothered her because of my insecurity.This may be something with him.Maybe shes not strong enough to say hey im going to my girlfriends be back later.Friends are important.Be her friend but if she wants to bring him for whatever reason,thats the way it is.I mean if you told her that it bothers you and she didnt listen for whatever reason then let it go.If yall are friends in the end it will eventually work out.Oh and dont knock her boyfriend,that could be bad for your friendship in the end.This is just a suggestion,Obviosly throw it away if it does not apply.