When will it be okay?

[music lover 88]

Every night before going to sleep, I used to think about my boyfriend, if I wasn't already laying next to him. I thought about how me made me feel, and the wonderful memories we shared. I wanted to fall asleep remembering those things, hoping my dreams would be as sweet.

 

Since the break up, this has been one of the hardest things for me. Because I couldn't think about those things anymore, it hurt too much and I didn't want to be reminded of them.

 

I've been doing ok for the last few months. I've been getting on with my life, moving to a new place, starting a new job, and finding myself again. I used to have these crying fits, rather sobbing fits, where everything would come crashing down and I couldn't control the pain. It was horrible to endure, but I feel like that needed to happen. I would feel somewhat relieved after crying that much, like I could finally let go part of a burden I'd become used to carrying.

 

In the beginning I would cry like that everyday, then every few days, then once a week or every few weeks. I'd reached a point where I couldn't remember the last time I'd cried so hard. I felt like I was healing, I was finally becoming strong again, becoming independent.

 

Recently I let myself think about him again. I was feeling overwhelmed with my job, feeling alone like I didn't have anyone to turn to. I needed comfort...so I let myself think about how I felt when I was with him. I wanted to remember the simplicity, the happiness, comfort and security. I wanted to remember what it felt like to have someone love me so much and care about me like that. Then, I couldn't stop crying. I felt worse.

 

I don't know what to do. I think it was a mistake to revisit those memories and emotions. Dont people say that you shouldn't hold things in and suppress your feelings though? But in this case would it be counter productive to healing? I have spent so much time trying to move forward, making myself a better person. How long will these memories haunt me? When will it be okay to let myself feel again?

[Imperceptible]

It'll take time to heal. 6 months from now it won't hurt so bad.

Stop thinking about him! When you stop thinking about the good times you'll speed up the healing process.

[Belgian girl]

Think I'm almost in the same situation (have made a topic of it as well but less about my feelings). I wish you all the best. I still have all the things he once gave me standing in my room, just because it makes me feel more sad without it.. but I think that isn't an advice at all! Perhaps try improving yourself, make sure you have enough social contacts,..

I chose for keep on loving him. I think I can't stop it, I love him from deep in my heart. Maybe the following 'rule' from religion could give you a little help as well:

If somebody doesn't apreciate your being or help, it's better to use your energy in helping other people or making other people happy. You'ld probably be able to help more people by doing that.

I also 'trust' on that the good will survive, and I'm trying to be good as I can.

About your questions like if it's part of healing I don't know for sure.

All the best, you're not the only one in this situation..

[music lover 88]

Thank you for your replies. And I know I shouldn't think about him...but I guess I was hoping it wouldn't always be that way. I dont want these memories to always be painful. He is an amazing person, I respect him so much. I guess I just need to give myself more time.

 

I called him today because I felt so bad. I know he was surprised to hear from me because it had been so long. I told myself I wouldn't call him unless I was ready. I don't know whether this is going to backfire yet, I called him during a weak moment. But it felt good to talk to him. Like I had someone on my side again, something familiar in this foreign life I seem to be leading.

[Imperceptible]

Thank you for your replies. And I know I shouldn't think about him...but I guess I was hoping it wouldn't always be that way. I dont want these memories to always be painful. He is an amazing person, I respect him so much. I guess I just need to give myself more time.

 

It won't always be that way. It took me a long time to get over someone who broke my heart. When things ended i thought I would never be happy again. I thought about him and talked about him 24/7. But as time passed I stopped feeling depressed and sad and angry with myself and with him and with life.

I know it's hard not to think about someone you still care about. But don't give up. Don't call him without being totally certain you won't become depressed after the call when times get tough.

[joyce1412]

I don't know what to do. I think it was a mistake to revisit those memories and emotions. Dont people say that you shouldn't hold things in and suppress your feelings though? But in this case would it be counter productive to healing? I have spent so much time trying to move forward, making myself a better person. How long will these memories haunt me? When will it be okay to let myself feel again?

 

you should grieve for a certain amount of time, but i don't think the kind of thinking you are engaging in is healthy. it's one thing to stumble accross a memory every once in a while and feel pain over it. however, it sounds like you're deliberately going to those old memories for temporary comfort. trust me, i know exactly how it feels, occasionally i'll invent little scenarios or conversations with my ex in my head, and in that moment i actually feel better...but in the following moments, when i come back down to earth, i feel twice as bad. having fantasies about him and getting nostalgic isn't going to help you AT ALL. and yes, i think they are counterproductive to healing.

 

you have free reign to "feel" again, and if you have any remaining sadness or anger you should work on getting it out of your system once and for all. maybe try therapy. but you shouldn't STOP feeling, but rather invest your emotions in other people who aren't your ex. all your feelings are going to what is essentially a negative place right now, and there are many ways for them to go to a positive place.