Aarggghh!!!

[AwdreeHpburn]

I really need a backbone, some ca-ho-nays or whatever! But HOW TO NOT BE PASSIVE/aggressive is the reason for my life I think.

 

My daughter had an open sore on the top of her head. i think it was bug bite she scratced open. Perfect grounds for impetigo I KNOW!! My mother-in-law told me a hundred times!

 

We put some topical antibitic stuff on it and it was healing quite well.

But, as healing can sometimes itch, she scratched it open again.

 

Well now (according to my mother-in-law) it's infected, she needs to see a Dr., it's impetigo and she's going to lose her hair!

 

And all because I'm a crappy mum and my daughter had cradle cap SO BADLY and for SO MANY YEARS!!

 

My daughter is 4! She couldn't have had cradle cap for THAT many years even if she really did ever have it.

 

SO once again, my dilemma is.....HOW can I see into the future to determine how my telling off my mother-in-law will affect our already rocky relationship??

 

Should I not care?

Is there a way to tell her delicately to back off?

 

She is always going to be the grandmother of my children. She is always going to want to be involved.

 

Me not going to their family things, is not a big deal. I don't mind skipping them at all. My husband doesn't even want to go more than half the time. But his family are always going to want to see the kids.

 

So....what are my options here?

 

I can't keep talking to her and feeling like crap after each conversation!

 

THING IS - i can't stop taking it personally. I KNOW and have seen, that she treats and talks to EVERYONE this way.

 

AARGGGHH!!!

 

She's annoying. I'm frustrated and feel like never talking to her again.

[kellbell]

Hey there T!

 

I just did a search on impetigo and this is what I found....

 

link removed

 

As far as you mother in law goes, I would tell her you apprietate her concern and that you did some research on it, you are going to keep an eye on it, and will act accordingly if things get worse. That's all.

 

From what I have read about it, impetigo seems common among young children. I hope your kiddo feels better.

[southerngirl]

Yeah, I think you should stand up to her once and for all. Not let her bully you.

 

As for the cradle cap thing, my youngest son had it for a while and the doc had told me it wasnt my fault, that its very common! She sounds abusive toward you and controlling/domeneering. What does hubby say about it?

 

I dont think telling her off can make things much worse, especially if you go about it in a non abusive way. Have to set bounderies here or she could walk over you forever.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thanks guys! And thanks Kellbell!! I actually found that site too. That's so awesome that you looked it up.

 

She IS abusive Southerngirl, in a way - towards everyone. How she talks to her husband is disgusting. My daughter DID have cradle cap but very mildly and for a very short time. My M-I-L has to exaggerate everything to make me feel bad.

 

INFJ - I totally hear you and I have always conceded to her as wiser, more experienced and having the right. These are the children of her only son. I know it comes from love and concern...FOR THEM.

 

But MAN she can be brutal in her delivery. I guess she just feels so badly for the kids when they hurt that I'm a good, convenient scape goat. Better me than her perfect, precious son, right?

 

I DO need to set the boundaries but be comfortable doing it my way regardless. I feel sort of like I'm obligated to give what she suggests a go or I'm just being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn.

 

I just don't know how to say things diplomatically without shaking with anger or having the wrong words come out. I have a bad feeling that one of these days, I'm going to boil over, let it all out, blow up in her face etc.

[kellbell]

T,

 

When you are feeling that upset when you talk to her, take a deep breath and tell her you will call her back. Then regain your composure, cool off, go for a walk and collect your thoughts. Then call her back.

 

My mom went through the same thing with her MIL, my grandmother. She just said whatever was on her mind, regardless of whom she was saying it to and whether it was hurtful for or not. My mom was chastized for being too lienant, not making my brothers and I go to church, that my parents bought us too much for Xmas, you name it. When my dad propsed to my mom, she said, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" She is brutal. So, you are definitely not alone dealing with the MIL from you know where.

 

You are an awesome mom, kids do not come with handbooks, plus, it takes a village to raise a child, IMO. It's okay T, try not to let her get to you, easier said than done I know.

 

(((hugs)))

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Ta Ree Saw,

 

Nightmare for you. But you said that she's like that with everyone - is there anyone who handles it better than others? Any tips you can pick up from family members?

 

Another tip that I've done which worked for me is to get a (very) good friend, and practice a bit of role play, they being MIL and you being you telling her off. Just to get used to saying aloud the words that you want to say, being firm and clear, but without going further than you intended. And plan how you'll answer her when she says 'I'm only trying to help' or whatever. Sometimes if I have to confront someone, I write down a list of what I want to say, so that I kind of have it in my head of the areas that I want to cover, being firm and calm and not going too far out of frustration.

 

(She sounds really awful though...!). Also being detached should help; and old advice, counting to 10 when she says something really awful, and then replying firmly but calmly.

 

Huge good luck for dealing with this!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Thanks KellBell - for the hugs and cool down first advice.

 

Yes, my husband, her son, is the only one she doesn't talk to like that. She talks ABOUT him that way, but not TO him. Mostly cos he doesn't let her. But that's his mum. I can talk much differently to my mum than I can others too.

 

I like the roleplaying idea honey, thanks.

 

INFJ - I guess it's pretty classic. My mother had a hard time with her M-I-L too. My mum would always ask to help cook or clean and my grams would always politely refuse her help and then later talk about how lazy my mum was.

 

Oh goodness, I hope I'm not doomed to be that kind of m-i-l!!!!!

[southerngirl]

Ive went through my own mother in law drama, there was a time when I was even referring to her as the monster in law..

 

Finally, it came to a head and i basically had enough of it... I totally went off about it, she had been so controlling.

 

When my youngest (soon to be 20 months) was born, she took him to walmart and has professional pictures taken without my knowledge and without me even being there. His first pictures... I was so hurt because I felt and still do feel that this was my right as his mother to do that. She said she didnt want to wait for me because I was taking my sweet time. Hello? Im his mom.. I told her that if she wanted to pay for it that would have been great but I should have been there, picked out his clothes, picked out what pictures would be included in the package...

 

Well we didnt talk for a month and it was hell because she lives right next door! HOw is that for close? Finally , we did work it out though we had a planned meeting, to last no more than an hour where we could talk things out with her daughter , my sister in law there to mediate as she wasnt directly involved. Surprisingly it went very well, my sis n law didnt take sides... Me and her have been getting along fine since.

 

this woman had to understand that I was the mom of my own family and while her and her son remain close and we are close enough now over a year later, she could no longer rule us. Shes a very controlling type and my husband is very much a mama's boy.. Too late I have married into this.

 

One thing that really helped her and me to come to a peace. I told her this Do you know why it is so important that we work things out and become friends? The most important gift that I can give my children is to have a good relationship with their grandmother, and the most important gift you can give your grandkids is to have a good relationship with their mother'... She hugged me, we both cried, it was really a halmark moment.

 

I think though had I never really stood up to her we would have not gotten anywhere.. No, its not perfect but she respects my bounderies now.

[kellbell]

What is it about MILs? Me too! I hope I am never like that either. LOL My poor mom, she went through a lot with my grandma.

[AwdreeHpburn]

OHMIGOD!! The Wal-Mart pictures thing is WAY too familiar!! My mother in law has done very similar things when it comes to pictures at Wal-Mart. It's so frustrating it makes me laugh!

 

In a nervous/scared/helpless way.

 

Maybe I'll combine the role-palying thing with the meeting idea. I'll role playing what it is I'd say in a meeting with her. (But can I freak out at her first? -kidding)

 

But that's it Southerngirl - She (my M-I-L) just doesn't realize she's not the mommy any more and that I CAN handle it now.

 

I don't think she realizes we're grown ups. Weird.

 

My own mum is so very opposite of that, that it's hard for me to see it from that perspective, but I think I get it now. Perhaps a "time to cut the umbilical cord" convo is needed.

 

Besides, she's just weird. She's only like 53 but likes to act as if she's from the 1800's. The other day whilst at her place, I tried to carry her vaccuum down the stairs for her and she yelled at me, "No! Don't you do that. Your father-in-law will do that. You're a lady."

 

LOL!!

 

Yes, yes I am. i'm a lady, thereforeeee I don't carry stuff.