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Gracelove
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Today has been a rough day. I cried a lot. Slept a lot. I even got angry.

 

I've been so defensive.

I've felt like I have to defend myself from the rapist and his accomplice.

 

But I really don't have to anymore.

 

I know who they are and what they've done.

 

I think I'm okay to grieve now.

 

I'm been fighting an invisible force, I've been afraid of being beaten down.

 

Maybe they can hurt me again...who knows.

 

I'm tired of trying to fight.

 

I want to be at peace again, I want to be peaceful again, and I can't be that way when I'm constantly on guard.

 

I do have a lot of trauma to work through because of the rape, and that's okay.

 

Nothing's wrong with being sad.

 

I know people have been expressing that to me, but I just couldn't accept it.

 

And when it comes to the investigation.

That's okay too.

They will lie, because they are liars.

And I can honestly say now, that I'm okay with it, because I don't expect them to be anything more than what they are.

 

And that's that.

Not to say that I won't vent from time to time, or be sad.

 

But I think I'm beginning to accept that the rape WAS out of my control.

 

They meant to do me harm, and they did, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I'm half of a person.

 

They were just mean, and they would have done it to anyone.

 

I am blessed to be alive.

If they overdosed me I could have died.

 

And that does make me sad.

It makes me sad to think that they could have killed me when I had shown nothing but kindness to either of them.

 

But that's life.

 

And I'll grieve. I'll grieve for me.

Because I've been hurt really badly, and now I have to heal.

 

I'm better now.

And I think that despite all of this, I can still be me.

I think that's what has been scaring me.

That I now have to be a different person.

 

But I can be the same person I used to be. I'll be wiser now.

More cautious, but overall, I'm going to try to be me.

 

And I'll try to remind myself that I'm not responsible for their actions.

 

I think the rape made me feel tied to them, tied to them and their evilness, and that made me feel like a bad person.

 

But I won't be tied to them any longer. They are on their own now.

 

I'll prohibit them from having any part in my life.

Even in my thoughts (to the best of my ability of course).

 

I think I'll do my best to forget them, not what they've done...but them.

 

So, that's how I feel.

 

Thanks for everything guys!

Espicially listening.

 

~Grace

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Grace I really admire you. You sound like a remarkable person. What you have written could help a lot of people.

 

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through.

Is there a beautiful place you can go to sometimes. I go for walks where I see tiny pretty birds sing and being in the moment where all I see is their beauty makes me feel at peace.

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Hey There MI shell

 

Thanks for the compliment, you're so sweet!

 

I do know of a beautiful place, it's a park near my home.

I haven't been there in a while, but it has always relaxed me.

 

Thanks for the reminder, I think I should go there sometime soon.

 

Have a great holiday weekend!

 

~Grace

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