What if getting back together is not that appealing anymore

[jules12234]

My partner of 2 years (we got on really well and I thought he had a fabulous and very loving, caring relationship) told me six weeks ago that he loved me and didn't want to lose me but needed to go and look after his kids (since his ex-wife has had a nervous breakdown) and handed me the key to our home back. A week later I get a letter saying he needs to sort out his problems, etc by himself.

 

He has had problems with his ex-wife for about six months and I have been very supportive – even offered his children to come live with us in a one bedroom house.

 

This was a massive shock and whilst I could understand his need to mind his children, I couldn't understand why he couldn't look after them and maintain a relationship with me.

 

I was a real mess and only in the last week do I feel much more normal and happier. I don't have many friends in the area but I have been trying to get a bit of social life.

 

I have maintained the NC from my side as I too much pride to run after somebody who doesn't seem to value me and was starting to seriously mess me around.

 

He never calls me but I get a letter through the door about every 10 days asking to see me about bills (he was responsible for the bills in the house and I paid the mortgage) and I meet him every time but he never brings his cheque book and seems to just want to go for beer and escape whatever he is doing and tell me his woes. He then goes on that I am special, when he gets his problems sorted out we will go buy a massive house, go on holiday, etc and then I wouldn't hear from him again for 10 or so days – there was no sex or anything during these visits. Let me tell you I didn't feel very special.

 

In the last week I have found out that he is in financial trouble, has not paid one bill, has utility bills in false names after closing them down in my name and forwarding them to false addresses. These bills are not excessive and I can't believe he didn't tell me and I would have just paid them. It was shocking.

 

Anyway, he turned up on Sunday – he did not look good – unshaven, hair unwashed, dirty hands and was a very different person – quiet, sarcastic, negative, staring into space saying nothing and he normally talks nonstop. I have packed up his stuff and was insinuating that I had not looked after this stuff – he was the one who moved out and needs to sort his problems out. I told him I knew about the bills and his attitude was like "what is my problem everybody does this" – not in my world. Anyway, I looked good (made a subtle effort), I had friends coming up from London to see me that night, and was positive.

 

As he was leaving he said – once I know what I am doing in the next week or so with school runs, etc I will come round to see if we can work something out i.e. for us to get back together.

 

I would have loved to have heard these words for the last 5 weeks but now I am dreading seeing him. I just keep thinking what kind of future would I have with him - he has made sure I understand I am not a priority – sure we get on but what happens when things get on top of him again – does he just ups it and leaves. Financially I can never trust him again.

 

Now I just think what a stupid, stupid man – we had so much together and he just dismissed it – never treated it with the respect it deserved and never valued me enough to try to maintain it.

 

And now I think I deserve better and I am beginning to think that I just don't want him in my life anymore and am dreading telling him this - even though he has hurt me and treated me no better than a inconvenience.

 

Has this happened to anyone - is it a phase.

[butterflycloud]

No, it is not a phase but rather a 'revelation'.

 

I think that over the last few weeks you have been able to really work out what he can and cannot offer you and you potential future with him.

 

Embrace that you have come to terms with what you really want from this relationship and have the strength and convictions to stick to it!

 

Remember that you may have relapses when you feel that you now want him back but trust me- they will pass! Hold onto your initial decision to get rid of this destructive relationship.

 

I have been there too and even though it was hard at times I held onto my initial decision to let the relationship go and it has paid off.

[papalazarou]

If its not appealing then don't simple as that.

[kadvati79]

I get the sentiment of the post I think. You feel torn? I feel like that over my ex. To be honest, I am pretty sure if I made the effort I would have a good chance of getting back with my ex. I love him dearly, but I can't see myself being with him either.

 

I look at him differently, I can't think of his as the "future". I just don't ever see it working. That makes me sad. Because I do miss the past. Thats what I am love with still I guess. Its like knowing you won't be going back but still missing it. If thats how you feel, then I understand. I don't think its a phase either, I think its part of a wider process of reconciling what the relationship really was, and who the person really is.

 

Hurt, deserving "better", knowing you weren't right together... these things are rational are often not aligned with the heart. Just realise that you've got to do what you feel is right, and follow your own process. I've often found myself punishing myself for feeling certain ways, even when it wasn't what I wanted any more.

[jules12234]

I think I am torn because before he moved out - I thought we had a perfect relationship - we were really good together and I thought this would really last. We hardly ever rowed and spent most of our time together doing things we both liked.

 

My opinion of him has changed so much by how he has handled all this and the way he has treated me and the dishonesty about money.

 

I have had to go through the pain of a breakup without him actually breaking up with me as one minute he wants to sort out his problems alone and then the next time he wants to start chapter 2 with me and I have been filled with false hope.

 

I think it is the constant disappointment over the last 6 weeks which is killing the love I had for him. I am also very sad that it has come to this as I would definitely have done this differently. He never discussed with me what he was doing - I have been told which is just not like him.

 

So all I can do is try to move on as quickly as possible.

[Siriana]

I think that you are completely normal, and objective person whose reactions are the best they can be in a current situation.

I really don't think that your feelings are just a "phase". I think that you have every right in this world to think about your relationship the way you do.

I agree completely that you can't be with someone who is finantialy irresponsible or with someone who needs space or brake up every time he has problems. That means that you can expect this scenario repeated every now and than.

Don't go back to him if you don't want to. What he wants is one thing, but what you think that is the best for your own interest is more important and the only fact on which you should base your decision. Don't be with him again because you feel sorry for him or from some other patetic reason that we woman so easily fall for.

I guess I wanted to say that you're right and that you deserve better - or at least a little bit time for yourself.

[joyce1412]

What if getting back together is not that appealing anymore??

 

then i envy you, that's what!

[jules12234]

Well the on the rollercoaster.

 

Today I feel completely different - I am angry about the bills he has left me with, angry that he was living for free off me, angry that he left, angry that he hasn't been in contact with me again, angry that he is not begging to come back, angry that I can't believe a word he says even when he is going on about how much he thinks I am special - so generally very ANGRY.

[Siriana]

good. do nothing and don't make any decisions while in a limbo of feelings

[jules12234]

I won't do anything, but today - I will not contact him but I understand why people want revenge.

 

I have completely stupid - this man has been lying to me for at least six months about finances and probably other things.

 

He has the cheek to pop in to see me every two weeks to tell me how he wants to come back eventually - in the future, no specific time scale - just to keep his options open and I fell for it.

 

He must be laughing at me.

 

Do you know he has not taken any of his stuff it is all packed away (by me) in the shed and refuses to take it when he comes.

[Siriana]

Send him to his new adress. All the stuff.