Time brings clarity

[enivel]

It really does. I can't say I'm not in pain right now. I spoke to my ex last night after she broke up with me six weeks ago. There was a lot to talk about. There was a little bit of fighting and blaming, but most of it was constructive. It does help to understand, after you have had some distance.

 

She told me a lot of things that I was glad to hear, how much she respected what I did... what I gave to her. She couldn't have said things like this after we broke up because neither of us had a good perspective. I had felt for a long time like I was emotionally distant, unable to feel for her, and we both kind of talked about that. The reality is that this was my first real relationship, my first time out on my own in another state by myself, the first time dating someone considering marriage, and the first time dating someone who has kids. As she said she "exposed me to a lot" and understood why I had trouble making clear decisions about our future and what I wanted. She was a lot more understanding about why I acted the way I did, and I was a lot more understanding about why she made the decision she did. She got married too young, got divorced, and obviously it has made a huge impact in her life... she saw us headed in the same direction with resentment and eventually me wanting to experience more.

 

A lot of things we thought about while we were together- but didn't have the clarity or hindsight to articulate- became apparent. I only regret that I made her upset by blaming her for drinking a lot and acting completely different when she drinks, sometimes not remembering promises or things she said... but I guess both of us have taken some due criticism, and that was really the first time I criticised her for doing anything detrimental to our relationship.

 

I can't be friends with her, but I love her and she loves me. If we ever need each other, there is no doubt both of us will be there. It hurts like hell to love someone and lose them, you just wish that while you were together you could have the same clarity and wisdom to see things as you know they were now... but I guess you never really can, you can just learn through experience and do the best you can. We both did the best we could, and acknowledging that last night at least gives me a lot of consolation, as I realize how much I've grown.

[friscodj]

You're on the road to healing man! Not quite to the promised land yet, but I think it is in sight for you...

[Donster]

What a good post! Clearly the time that you and your ex had apart was good for both of you, and it's these things that you have learned from this past relationship that will take you ever further on your next one.