Sex Drive and Concealing Female Arousal

[Batya33]

I disagree that not having sex is a form of control. For me and for many others it is simply consistent with our values - and that goes for both men and women.

[Cardinal]

Batya,

 

Withholding sex is not necessarily a form of control. I can only go so far as to state that it can be and is used as a form of control at least part of the time. In your situation, you have given no indication that you would withhold sex to control a partner. I don't see you as a controlling person at all from what I have read of your posts. Instead you are using it as a sophisticated bargaining chip. A man shows his love for you, communicates his desire for a long term commitment possibly leading to marriage....Then and only then will you have sex with him. You are being very cautious and guarded to make sure you get what you are looking for out of the relationship.

 

I think maybe you sensed that I might always see it as controlling behavior. Some men might perceive it that way. But that misperception can be rectified by good, honest communication. Only if I sensed that a potential mate was selfish and did not consider my own needs would I feel as though I am being controlled.

 

 

Control is something I want to have over my life as whole where realistically possible. So I guard any vulnerabilities I might have pretty closely

[Batya33]

Not a bargaining chip, either. I may be very aroused, interested, etc but I know that I will not feel good about myself or comfortable unless I have a real commitment from the man in question and feel that I know him well enough to share myself - and I usually give it at least a few months to figure that out, and at times, more. I am never ever a tease though - I am direct about what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with. I have never foregone a relationship with a good, loving man by following my values. I have screened out those who prioritize sex above all else which is fine with me.

[Cardinal]

That is awesome that you are not a tease and also that you don't send mixed signals. That is a really refreshing approach to sexual communication that I don't see often in real life.

 

One problem I still have though is the bargaining chip idea. Given that you are so direct about what you are and aren't comfortable with, I also take it you tell the person you are dating that you seek commitment, love, and a certain comfort level prior to sex. Basically, I take it you would tell a partner unabashedly anything you wrote in this thread about what you want from a relationship. And that is wonderful.

 

If so, you have made an agreement with him. The two of your have struck a deal. Maybe you don't shake on it on something like that, but it is a deal you have made nonethless. No sex until commitment, love and comfort (among possible other needs also). That is a deal if I have ever seen one in my life. A man may perceive your words and actions in many ways, but surely he would also agree that you have come to an agreement that both of you accept and understand.

 

That is all I meant by a bargaining chip. Perhaps I made a bad word choice.

[Batya33]

Could be semantics that concerns me. Yes I am open about my values when it comes to sex (as soon as the topic comes up that is and always before we spend time at each other's places so that I feel comfortable being alone with him as far as expectations). Yes, we make an agreement but in several cases the man has felt the same way - saw sex as something that doesn't happen right away or outside a commitment.

[Cardinal]

Honestly, that is how I would prefer it also. Before spending personal time together at our places regardless of the dating situation, I realize it would be best to discuss boundaries, so that we both can feel the same comfort level with one another.

 

It takes away some degree of sponteneity and surprise, but a few poignant questions can do a lot eliminate feelings of discomfort. I need to trust the woman with me before I feel really satisfied sexually with her.

 

And as I stated earlier, I could agree with quite a few stipulations so long as I feel my needs are being considered and I feel that she is willing to compromise a little. I imagine most people would not want to be with a partner whose top priority in the relationship is sex. In that case a friends with benefits relationship would be about all that is worth pursuing.

[vandgsmom]

.....Women don't get spontaneous boners.....

 

We don't???? Uh, oh.