what do her actions mean?? Please comment!

[Captain34]

Feel like I am always reading things wrong, would dearly appreciate anyy insight you can give!

 

It is now 2 months since my ex broke things off. There were communication issues and some problems between us that I feel could have been worked out...nothing to the degree that I believe was terrible.

 

I chose LC with her, and below is a time line of what happened:

 

6/26

Had a fight with her, I honestly remained cooler than I should have. She was insulting in some ways but I tried to let it go until things calmed down. I had a big job interview the next day so I told her I wanted to see her later that night. She agreed to call me when she got back at 10pm. Didn't hear from her, so went to her place at 12am. Was very upset because I was taken off guard and had the big interview the next day. Things looked bad but it was not final at that point. Asked several times to stay at her place with her. She eventually agreed, nothing physical happened. Said things like "I love sleeping with you." Woke up early and walked out for a cig, decided to go back in...she was welcoming.

 

6/27

Received an email from her saying she hoped the interview went well, wanted to hear how it went. Didn't call cause her phone broke (true), but she could have called from another phone. She asked me to email or im her.

 

6/29

Imd her and put off talking about the job, said I was pissed and didn't want to chit chat on aim.

 

7/5

After a few attempts at contacting her, agreed to meet up and had a conversation. Wish I had been on these forums before that happened. I remained calm, told her I loved her and that I was willing to work it out...but I did seem to look down on myself and went too far apologizing for things I did not need to. I asked her straight up are we done or not. She gave me a very timid yes. Told her tahts what I needed to know, goodnight. Got out of the car, she said wait...do you want a ride? i said no. then she says "I know you will forever think I did not appreciate you." I said again I was willing to make it work, but if she wasn't we didn't need to talk about it anymore.

 

7/12

Called her and told her I did not like how things were left, standoffish and no communication. She picked up right away and seemed to be in a good mood, was going to see her g/f in Boston. kept it short and said I had to go cause I did.

 

7/13

Went to a concert that she had been planning through work. Always had supported her and felt best to continue since this was the big event - thus the call the day earlier. Saw a few of her g/f's there, I'm sure they told her I was there. I was standing in the crowd and she walked right in front of me. I tapped her on the shoulder, she gave me a hug and stood there for a min, we chit chatted a bit. then she left and said shed be back - went to the vip area for employees, saw her chat with her g/f I had seen earlier. came back to me, but right at that monet some friends of mine came by drunk and she walked off. decided not to follow - I did not go there to talk serious - just to show I truly cared. She sat by the exit with another g/f at the end of the concert. Went and said hello, congrats on a great job I had a fun time. That was it.

 

7/15 - My birthday.

 

Got a message from a girl who I had kinda been seeing when my ex and I had previously split up for a few months on facebook saying "hbd hot stuff." Had run into this girl at the gym but didnt do anything to prompt that. Got a message from the ex on facebook 10 mins later (she could see what other girl wrote) saying "I hope you get as drunk as I did last year . That is referring to the fact that she had gotten to drunk to make love on my bd last year (I wasn't mad, she gave me an incredible bd). She calles a couple hours later wishing me a happy bd, asks men what I was doing...said going ot dinner then having a party at my place(which I am certain she had heard about). Told her if she wasnt busy she should come by. She asked me what I was doing late?? I ignored the question. She told me she had something for me and invited me to an event planned through her job(at a radio station).

 

She did not come by the party...what affect would seeing the other girl's post have had??

 

7/16

Went to the event. Whe she found out I was there she came up and hugged me, chit chatted a few mins but I didn't keep the convo going. Then she spent the next couple hours chillin with her friends - never brought up my bday. Went out for a cig later, she was leaving in a car with a guy she works with (certain nothing was happening there, but I was jealous at the time). Rolled down her window and said she would be back. Never came back, and seemed to go right back and change her status on facebook to single. I called that night and got no answer, left no message.

 

7/17

Talked with her on aim. bad idea, I was pissed.

 

7/21

Sent her an email saying sorry bout the aim convo, was pissed about my bday but I understand its a tough situation. Said a few things about what I had been upset with in the relationship. Ended saying I cared and wanted the best for her - to be happy.

 

Ran into her at a party that night. hadnt gotten a reply email so I went back inside to get a beer without saying anything. When I came back out she was gone. Her best friend was there and gave me a hug, was being nice. I mentioned I was going to a party held in my old place (where ex had always stayed). Basically wanted to give the heads up I would be there since I thought my ex might be avoiding me.

 

7/22

Ended up taking that other girl out. My ex happened to park her car outside the restaurant we were at and I believe she saw us. Must admit i was happy about that. Bar hopped a bit, then went to the party.. Didn't see ex's car outside so I went in - she was there. Walked into the kitchen and ex came and said hello, looked upset, gave me a hug in front of the new girl. I made a point the whole night to keep my space from her, not touch the new girl etc. Was surprised the ex stayed for an hour or so. Party was broken up, left to walk this new girl home. Ex was outside waiting for some peepz, saw me walk away with new girl.

 

Walked the new girl home, shes a bit frisky, but I did not go inside because I wanted to get back to the party and let the ex see me there. She was gone, but her best friend saw me...but my boys were being too enthusiastic about the new girl, think ex's best friend picked up on that.

 

7/23

Heard the ex on the radio dj-ing and she seemed very down. Even said she was lonely and to send her a shout out. i wanted to SOOO bad but I didn't.

 

7/24

Stayed the night with new girl. Was fun and I had a great time, but the next day I felt guilty as hell.

 

7/25

Called teh ex and left a voicemail, was pretty cheery, asked to meet for coffee. Got no response.

 

7/28

Sent the ex an email about the other girl. Said I was uncomfortable, made clear nothing had happened when I was with her, that I didn't want anything to happen. Told her I went back to the party so she would know I hadn't stayed the night and had no intention to hurt her(although I believe subconsciously I wanted her to be jealous).

 

Surprised to get an email response couple hours later. Ex said that she would never think I was trying to hide things from her when we were together. Said she wouldnt deny it hurt to see me walk away with her, but I was entitled to do what made me happy. Said she loved to see that I was moving on. Also said please dont think we are on bad terms, but if she doesnt answer my calls its because she didnt think it was realistic for us to be friends right now. (she had specifically said during the breakup she wanted to remain friends and be able to hang out - take it as you want, but she did say that first, not i).

 

ran into her at a party that night. smiled when she walked in, but she seemed to try and ignore me. We both stayed at the party for an hour or so, I left first. there was no contact between us. But, i did catch her looking at me a couple times, she was very friendly with a housemate of mine she didnt know well, gave my little bro a big hug, and a friend of hers asked me out of the blue about my relationship with the ex.

 

Enough for now, I'll add te rest later...

[Relationship Coach]

First of all do you normally attend this many parties? Holy crap!

 

I think your very detailed account here is a typical slow death of a relationship and the awkwardness of the aftermath. There is clearly still an attraction on both ends but the reality is, she just doesn't want to be with you. She still cares but that will dwindle over time as will your reluctance to move on and be happy. It's going to be hard for you when you see her with someone else too. Prepare yourself for some emotional times ahead but keep moving forward!

 

RC

[kellbell]

Hey there,

"Asked several times to stay at her place with her."

 

Why did you do this? I am not understanding why you invited and begged to sleep over her place. Unless she invited you and wanted to work things out and talk, this is not cool IMO, it is a bit desperate.

 

This is where things went wrong....

 

''7/12

Called her and told her I did not like how things were left, standoffish and no communication. She picked up right away and seemed to be in a good mood, was going to see her g/f in Boston. kept it short and said I had to go cause I did."

 

You did everything right until July 12th. Why did you call her? You broke up, she was not willing to work things out. Things are done, there should have been no doubt in your mind how she felt or what she meant and the same goes for her, you made things pretty clear as well. Let me ask you something, do break-ups normally end amicable? Seriously, it is a break up, not a picnic. It is going to be painful, it is going to hurt, no answers are ever going to be enough, try not to look at others for closure, find closure within yourself.

 

Everything after July 12th is downhill, games, drama, expectations and assumptions. My advice...no contact. You seem to be placing expectations on her that no longer apply, this is why you are getting hurt over and over again...

 

"never brought up my bday. Wever brought up my bday. Went out for a cig later, she was leaving in a car with a guy she works with (certain nothing was happening there, but I was jealous at the time). Rolled down her window and said she would be back. Never came back, and seemed to go right back and change her status on facebook to single. I called that night and got no answer, left no message."

 

I am seeing a pattern here, you show up to her events and whatnot, and it seems like you expect things in return, such a making plans for your birthday, your jealousy of her being other guys, calling and expecting her to pick up.

"I was pissed." Why? Because she was with another dude, placed her status on facebook as single (she is by the way), because she never picked her phone?

 

"Sent her an email saying sorry bout the aim convo, was pissed about my bday but I understand its a tough situation. Said a few things about what I had been upset with in the relationship. Ended saying I cared and wanted the best for her - to be happy."

 

Again, expectations, you were expecting her to do something or say something about your birthday. Expectactions are premeditated resentments. Also, refrain from telling her how much you care and that you want her to be happy. She is losing respect for you when you suck up like that.

 

"Ended up taking that other girl out. My ex happened to park her car outside the restaurant we were at and I believe she saw us. Must admit i was happy about that."

 

Why play the games? You were the one whom went to all her functions, call her, email her, tell her how much you care and so forth and you are expecting her to play nice, why should she? She told you she does not want to work things out. You have been setting yourself up for this.

 

" 7/25

Called teh ex and left a voicemail, was pretty cheery, asked to meet for coffee. Got no response.

 

7/28

Sent the ex an email about the other girl. Said I was uncomfortable, made clear nothing had happened when I was with her, that I didn't want anything to happen. Told her I went back to the party so she would know I hadn't stayed the night and had no intention to hurt her(although I believe subconsciously I wanted her to be jealous)."

Again, all this is unnecessary. You are no longer a couple but it appears to me you want her to act like it.

 

"Said she loved to see that I was moving on. Also said please dont think we are on bad terms, but if she doesnt answer my calls its because she didnt think it was realistic for us to be friends right now. (she had specifically said during the breakup she wanted to remain friends and be able to hang out - take it as you want, but she did say that first, not i)."

Bro, this is very valuable information and many people on this forum on not so fortunate to get this information from his/her ex. Use this to your advantage, she is not interested in getting back with you, she is not ready for friendship, and she wants you to move on. I know she mentioned friendship in the beginning but in most cases the dumper wants the friendship to ease his or her guilt. But you have to go by her ACTIONS.

 

I know this posts seems harsh but I feel that placing expectations on others, especially ex's, leads to pain, confusion, and anger. Save yourself from further pain and let her go. Focus on you and what you need. I know this hurts and stinks. Breakups are never easy. Take it one day at time. You will feel better soon.