Rough, rough day. bumped into her

[Torchbearer]

Out shopping today and I see my ex with who is I suppose, her boyfriend. We made eye contact and I smiled, nodded and was going to talk to her. She totally ignored me. Then I had the pleasure of watching them get into his car together.

 

This is the first time I've seen her in 4 months. I figured she was seeing someone. I just sucks when you see proof and reality smacks you square in the mouth.

 

I feel so hurt, unwanted, hopeless and numb right now. I just feel like giving up on ever even considering the idea of having a great relationship with someone. I still really love her.

 

Sure wish I didn't.

[NJRon]

I know you feel that way. It will go away. It really does.

 

As for her not even acknowledging you, obviously you still affect her, otherwise it would not have been any big deal to her. Be thankful... you meant a lot to her. She just wasn't the right one for you.

[Fisch]

I agree, in order to ignore you as opposed to a more comfortable reaction she obviously thinks you would have some kind of impact, perhaps on her new bf or on her. The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference I agree with NJRon.

[NJRon]

The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference

 

That is the truest of quotes... you can take it to the bank.

[bluegal79]

I'm sorry you had a rough day.

It is hard to see the ex, especially when you are not expecting it.

 

Could you hang out with friends tonight or watch a funny movie to take your mind off seeing her?

[Torchbearer]

So you all think she's thinking about me and that seeing me meant something to her? I looked good. I'm in better shape than when we dated and had on business professional wear. Not that it matters but the guy she was with is nothing to write home about from a looks department. Maybe she loves him and they are right for each other. I wish I could wish her well and tell myself if she's happy, I'm happy for her.

 

It's so difficult because last year at this time is when we started dating. I think back at the excitement we shared. We had a date one year ago tonight. I remember how pumped I was all day.

 

It doesn't make sense to me that I'm not over her. We've been apart for almost 8 months. Why haven't I moved on? Am I weaker than most on here? How long has it taken you guys to not feel any pain?

 

thanks.

[NJRon]

It varties so much, I couldn't give you an accurate timeline. It just takes however long it takes for you. And, if you're still not over her after 8 months, well, that's normal for you.

[Memorex12]

Hey don't worry man its been a year since my ex left me for some loser.. and I'm not completely sure I am over her. Have you gone out with any girls since you have broken up?

[joyce1412]

i know what you mean about those rough days...just found out today, AT WORK, that my ex might be seeing a friend of mine.

 

i don't know what to say to make it feel better, because then i would know how to feel better, too. i just want to say that i'm with you, i know it hurts so, so badly.

[No Spaces Rob]

Am I weaker than most on here? How long has it taken you guys to not feel any pain?

 

thanks.

 

No, you are not weaker. Your ability to fall in love doesn't make you weak. It's been about four and a half months for me, and I am still feeling pain and thinking about her all the time.

[Torchbearer]

Yes I've been out with a few girls and actually have one I'm trying to puruse lunch with next week. I've also been hanging out with friends a lot, going to the gym, playing cards and staying busy. At the end of the day though (and sometimes during it) I think about my ex and ask God why things turned out like they did.

 

Most of the girls I've gone out on dates with have not been my type and have had major issues that made me miss her more. Seeing them together at the check out line was like an out of body experience for me. It was kind of like looking in the mirror because I'd been there with her before numerous times.

 

I just feel like I haven't grown any from this and that my heart hasn't healed/matured. Who knows if she'll ever contact me again. I guess I'm waiting for her to have an epiphany and come back.

 

TB

[Torchbearer]

Well the girl I've been wanting to see called me yesterday and we have a date planned for this week. I'm excited! I'm stoked! and haven't ached for my ex since I got the new girl's call. Here's my dilemma. In times past after I've been reminded of my ex I've gone through a numb period where I feel little to no pain. This usually is around a time that I have something to look forward to such as a date or activity with another woman.

 

Whether anything comes out this date is ultimately irrelevant. With that said I know how I am and if she isn't interested in more than one date I will surely get depressed and think about my ex. I don't want to think negatively but the prospect of rejection would probably knock this numbness off of me and shift my focus back to "why did she leave me, why does she have another man right now, why can't I move on, why can't I find someone and be happy".

 

These last 6 months have been the most emotional period in my life because in the back of my mind I still feel like my ex is thinking of me and missing me. When I think of the things we used to do I get chills. Of course I've analyzed a lot since seeing her. I wonder if she's happy with the new man, exactly who he is and what's his story, if her seeing me shook her up and made her miss me.

 

I will let you guys know how the date goes. I hope we have a good time. I plan on framing it as an evening to hang out and have fun. At this point the more pressure I put on myself the worse I will be.

[moonflowers]

You seem to be doing a good job of dealing with this situation so far; after all, you were able to behave in a mature and gentlemanly fashion when you saw her unexpectedly in public. Keep on going on dates just for fun and working on making yourself a better person.

 

I think the hardest part of getting over someone is giving up the last little shreds of hope for a reunion. This hope is the emotional heartstring that causes us to jump at each and every little thing they do. The destruction of this hope is the reason why it's so hard on us dumpees when we finally see our dumper and their new person together.

 

I myself go through many days of thinking, "Hah, if he came back now I wouldn't even take him back," but there are some off days in between when I'm just a desperate mess, wishing to be back with him. Those days are when I do the emotional work of really untying myself from him and moving on. While they feel like the pits, they become less and less frequent as I go on. Each time I get through one of those days, I'm a little less connected, a little less vulnerable. Maybe you're going through a similar process right now, and you just hit one of those lows. Don't worry; it's only going to get better from here on up.

[Torchbearer]

Agreed that letting go of the last few shreads of hope is the hardest. I did pretty well considering I actually saw her with a guy. I think of how so much of her apt. has (or maybe just had) my name written all over it. I wonder if she thinks of me when she sits down at her desk that I built for her and uses her computer that I ordered for her last Christmas. It's hard to come to grips that she just wasn't the one for me.

 

I have actually done pretty well yesterday and today. Don't get me wrong I've thought a lot about her but I haven't broken down and been miserable. I'm not sure when my date is but I'm really looking forward to it. I hope things work out with this girl, as in we have a good time and see each other some because she's very attractive and seems to have lots of energy.

[blender]

Hey Torch, you sound pretty good! I know it's still "shocking" that you ran into her, but you handled it perfectly and sure she thinks about you...you built her a desk???? yep, she thinks about you, but it's her loss... she just can't be in a "long term" relationship, trust me, if the guy you saw her with is thee guy in her life right now, he will end up feeling the same way you do at some point... feel sorry for him... he'll need it. And the fact that she chose to ignore you, not introduce you, makes me think her heart was jumping a bit too.... for whatever reason, she was too nervous to be polite..have a great time on your date, you deserve it!!!

[Torchbearer]

Thank you guys for the great support.

 

Today has been pretty good for the most part save the de ja vu I'm feeling due to this being around the 1 year mark for our relationship. I went to lunch at a restaurant today that I haven't been to since she took me there for my birthday almost one year ago. I went with my new manager and a fellow worker so it wasn't like I chose it. It was rough walking in there. To quote the movie Rounders I felt like "Buckner walking back into Shea". It was a hard pill to swallow.

 

I've actually thought quite a bit about our good times lately and haven't been miserable. I've smiled and felt good that I actually had those good times with her. Sometimes though it hits me. Like it did at lunch and I really wish I could reach out to her.

 

Not only the desk (which was in a million pieces) that I assembled and the computer, but blender, you remember about the ottoman that I had altered. She cannot see that piece of furniture without remembering what happened to it.

 

These memories are going to be tough because now when I think of them I'll think of her sharing them with the new guy. Personally I'm glad she didn't acknowledge my presense the other day.

 

peace

TB

[blender]

Yes, I remember the ottoman story.... yikes.. yep she will think about you when she even glances at that ottoman, but perhaps one day she might actully choose to reflect on her own behavior, but I don't think it's likely, she will do the same thing to anyone new in her life, once they comfortable enough to "love her"... she will "get short with them, anxiety, then run away" thinking "they" were the problem... and her pattern begins once again.... you're doing great Torch, hang in there...

[Torchbearer]

I think I jinxed myself. Everytime I run my mouth about meeting someone it seems like I never get past the initial "meeting". I've mentioned the girl I'm interested in and that we talked about getting together.

 

Well we played phone tag yesterday with me calling last and leaving a message. She didn't call me back last night or today. I think I screwed myself by telling an old co worker who has a big mouth and knows some people that she works with.

 

Here's my question: I called her yesterday and left her a msg. She called me back and left me a msg to call her. I did last night. She didn't call back yesterday nor today. Should I wait for her to call me or try to contact her tomorrow? I really want to go out with this girl but don't want to look desperate.

 

I hope my friend didn't ruin things by running his mouth and telling people that her and I had a date.

[blender]

Torch, it's okay, wait it out, who knows what kind of day she had... give it a day before calling again...maybe she was just busy, or she's doing the "girl thing' of waiting a day to return your call, (yeah, we girls sometimes do this) why would she get upset if someone knew you guys had a date, did you have an agreement to "not tell anyone"? just wondering..

[Torchbearer]

No we didn't have an agreement and I guess I'm just witch hunting at this point. I'm looking for the negative in everything relationship/dating wise right now. The only thing is the way one of the big mouths exaggerrates everything and a stretched truth version got back to her it may have made her mad.

 

It's about to be fall time. The air will soon turn crisp and the leaves will start falling. Yesterday it was breezy here. I think of the fall mornings last year and having coffee with my ex; the smell of french vanilla and autumn in the air. Just a little bit depressed today and reminiscing.

[blender]

Yes, the change of seasons, it always brings back memories of my ex, it's those "memories" of those wonderful moments in the beginning of our relationship... because that is what our exes are good at, the "beginning". Then as it gets a bit more "real" and beyond all the words, hopes, dreams, all this is shared and it gets beyond the "newness" and into the "truth" of life, the ups and downs, the good and the bad, our type of exes have to "run away". And it leaves us with the "good memories" but it also leaves us with the "truth", our exes could NOT stay for the long haul....it's thier loss...

[Torchbearer]

I think I'm starting to dispise her. Hate is a very strong word and I could never hate her. That said after the way she treated me the other day I don't care if she ever tries to contact me again. She showed her true colors. Screw her.

[No Spaces Rob]

It sounds like you are still in pain because the live you imagined you would have with her is no longer possible (though you still want it).

 

Your emotions are trying to deal with this by hating her. It's a natural reaction, I have been through it (and am still affected by it).

 

You know, logically, that hating her is meaningless - it isn't going to make life better for anyone, especially you. But still, getting rid of those emotions takes more than logic. It takes an awful lot of time.

[blender]

yep, it's normal to have feelings of "hate" towards her, but hate is not the opposite of love, it's an equal energy of emotion, the opposite of LOVE is INDIFFERENCE... you will get there, try not to waste anymore "hate energy or love energy" towards her, when these feelings/thoughts come into your head, try to replace them with saying out loud, "I wish the best for both of us".. I know it sounds corny but it's where you want your heart to get to.. just keep saying it... eventually your heart will follow..god, I feel for ya, know EXACTLY how you feel..