help!! about to see ex for the first time since the break up

[psu11]

so our mutal friend is having a house warming party and i know my ex will be there!!!! how do i act? do i approach first or wait for him to approach me?! i really was not expecting to see him there, now im alll kinds of flustered!!!!! and also, should i flirt with other guys there or not out of respect for him? keep in mind, he broke up with me.

[NJRon]

If he broke up with you, then flirt if you want to flirt. But *don't* go out of your way... don't fake it.

 

If you feel you are cool with everything, then approach him when you see him. Or... if you see him, wave and smile and talk to some other people.

 

Whatever you do, don't try to second guess yourself in your interactions with others. If you do, it means you are bringing him into the equation... and he's not part of it.

[cristalgold]

I agree with NJRon 100%.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

If you catch eye contact smile and if he smiles back talk 2 him but not straight away

[bluegal79]

I hope it goes well tonight.

Don't forget to let us know how it went!

[need2bme]

Just give the "Hi" signal like we guys do (just nod your head up, like we do).

 

Seriously, I agree with Ron. Do flirt (with other guys, not him) if flirted with. Do smile if he smiles. Just don't go out of your way and above all, don't get flustered. Good luck.

[xxmrxx]

I had the same problem last night. I was invited to a bday party and I knew my ex was going to be there. I ended up not going, because she just started dating a new guy and I didn't think I could bear it. If I were you I would flirt with other guys. To show that you can get other guys and maybe he will want you back.

[NJRon]

If I were you I would flirt with other guys. To show that you can get other guys and maybe he will want you back.

 

This, in my opinion, is the exact reason *not* to flirt.

[psu11]

well the night went a little different than originally planned...

 

i was planning on making small talk with him and not paying much attention. which is how half of the night went... at one point, he came up to me and we started talking, next thing i know, he starts kissing me!!! this was something i def was not expecting. so i stopped and gave him this "what the hell do you think ur doing" look.

 

after that, he says he wants to talk to me outside..so we talked for a few hours. the shorthand version of the conversation went as follows...

 

he tells me that he couldnt bear the thought of his kids seeing his family twice a year only at holidays (his hometown is about 6 hours from were he lives now)...he was basically saying how much he didnt want to settle down around where i live.

 

from that, i told him that whoever he marries, they are your new family and its not guaranteed were ur gonna end up in 5, 10 or even 15 years. i also told him it sounds like he broke up with me because of all these "what if's" and also out of fear.

 

he also tells me he still misses me and that he was talking to this girl but stopped because she wasnt me and she didnt have the same "spunk" i did...during this convo at a point he says, i dont care if you say it back, but i want u to know that i love you and he starts holding my hands and tells me how much he missed holding them and blah blah.

 

we both spent the night at our friends place and this morning when we woke up, we went to breakfast and had normal convos about work and such...i gave him a hug goodbye and he kisses me on the cheek, then a few minutes later sends me a text.

 

if someone can help me figure out this situation, it would be so helpful...any feedback what so ever i would truly appreciate!

[joyce1412]

yikes. i didn't see an "i made a mistake, i want you back" in there. tread very carefully. i'm sure he misses you and all that, that much you can be sure of. but he didn't necessarily say in words that he wants to try again. if it were me i'd try to get him to define the relationship veeery quickly to avoid having him waste your time and plunging you right back into hurting.

 

and if he asks for more time to decide...i would suggest walking out the door. he's had time. if he gives you "i need more time," then you already have your answer that he doesn't sincerely want to be with you.

[friscodj]

I see a lot of classic symptoms of someone in denial here.

 

Notice how he opens up like this when you two are "conveniently" together at a party, maybe some drinks are involved, maybe not. And on top of that he kisses you? (1) What has he done aside from this party to express these feelings?

 

Then he breaks out the classic "I miss you" line and how he "misses" holding your hands. These lines to me say he is hung up on the past with you. The thing is, the past is gone and he hasn't come to grips with this yet. (2) What has he shown you aside from this party, i.e., pseudo-reality, that leads you believe he has thought long and hard about what caused the break-up and has taken steps/has a plan to make a new relationship with you work?

 

My suggestion is stay away from this guy. I think he is trying to use you for comfort here. He sounds like emotional road kill to me and is trying to hold your hand and lead you out into the emotional highway at rush hour too...

 

Unless he really impresses you with answers to questions (1) and (2) above, whatever he says goes in one ear and straight out the other. No more kissing either!

[joyce1412]

just to add to that, i got the "i miss you" thing from my ex, plus a few more signs that REALLY had me hoping he was coming around, like offering to come see my new workplace, etc. i thought he was finally going to show interest in my activities, which was a problem i had with him before.

 

not only did he not come, but he asked me to come (and expected me to come) to some of HIS work functions after flaking on me. and, oh yeah, when i finally asked him what he was looking for, he said he just wanted to be friends. when i called him on stringing me along, he AGAIN bothered me about it about a week later, feeling all sorry for himself, saying that he really wanted to be my friend. yeah. great. wonderful.

 

i felt really manipulated, confused, and HURT as hell. maybe i had to go through it because i always would have wondered. i don't know. the jury's still out on that. but i hope you don't have to go through what i did.

[psu11]

i definitely agree with both of you...

 

not only was i hearing things he was saying, but also the things he wasnt...yeah he misses and loves me. great. but he wasnt saying "i want you back"...it was more like "i love you but i still dont know what i want"

 

using me as comfort makes sense...i think im in a more stable place than he is, and im sure he senses that..it seems as though hes both questioning a lot of aspects about his life or is just afraid of being fully committed to me

 

frisco, aside from this party, he IMed me twice and never once discussed us..just random small talk...in fact, since we broke up we never once discussed us nor has he made the effort to. which is why im glad i told him about other guys in my life to, at least he knows im not waiting around for him.

 

my question is....should i go back to NC or should i discuss with him what the hell this weekend was all about?

[friscodj]

frisco, aside from this party, he IMed me twice and never once discussed us..just random small talk...in fact, since we broke up we never once discussed us nor has he made the effort to. which is why im glad i told him about other guys in my life to, at least he knows im not waiting around for him.

 

my question is....should i go back to NC or should i discuss with him what the hell this weekend was all about?

 

As far as his other attempts at communications, I'd say they were lukewarm pathetic...at best...

 

Now I dont agree with you telling him about other guys...or anything of substance in your life. You see, if he does make an effort to get back together you want his intentions rooted in his desire to be with you not in his desire for you not to be with someone else! If you start talking about other guys, yeah this may make him jealous and make you feel better in that sense, but it only complicates things...

 

As far as what you should do from here, I think you should stop engaging in small talk with this guy. Believe me, if he really wants you back, he will find a way to let you know!

 

So the bottom line of my advice is to disappear...

[psu11]

hey everyone....heres an update on this situation:

 

so i decided to not contact my ex about everything that happened saturday night, and go back to NC/LC. since then, he IMed me on monday making a general conversation, mentioning nothing about saturday night. then last night, he leaves me a voice mail exclaiming how he didnt want me to think he "used" me saturday night and that if i wanted to talk about it, i could call him back.

 

i called him back because i was interesed in what he had to say about this situation. he said he was thinking about what happened saturday night and wanted to clarify that he wasnt trying to take advantage of the situation of us being in the same place and that going out to breakfast was just a way to hang out longer. i told him he doesnt need to explain because he owes me nothing. he told me again how much he wasnt sure what he wanted in any aspect of his life. i wasnt angry with him, i told him i understand and that he doesnt need to explain himself. with that, i wished him a safe trip back home this weekend cause hes visiting his fam this weekend...then i got off the phone.

 

if anyone has some sort of feedback or advice as to why he felt the need to explain or even give an explaination please let me know, because im moving on, but im still kind of confused as to how he percieves me...

[hjc]

My guess is that you've responded confidently (ie. well) to what he did. He wanted to see if you were still 'there' for him and he's not sure. So he's covering his tracks by seeing what you thought of what happened. I think he's looking for some kind of validation that you are still there for him. Which he gets by prompting you to talk about what happened...

 

So, just ignore it. I think he's having doubts and needs reassurance (a bit like when the dumpee tries to elicit an "I love you", "I miss you" type comment from the dumper). You should have no reason to give him any satisfaction on that front....

 

Leave him to his uncertainties and fears...you're doing well; he may not be.

[joyce1412]

if anyone has some sort of feedback or advice as to why he felt the need to explain or even give an explaination please let me know, because im moving on, but im still kind of confused as to how he percieves me...

 

yeah, it sounds like he's still in the same position as before ("doesn't know what he wants") and that night with you didn't change things. and my guess is that it didn't change things because him not wanting to be with you is about HIM, not you.

 

he gave you this explanation because he's trying to make you feel better about it, and make himself feel better about it. basically, if he can convince you not to hate him for leading you on, then he's done his job. he doesn't have to feel guilty, and hey, maybe you'll even be up for it again in the future. the explanation was completely self-serving.

 

i'm sure he really does miss you and everything, but at the same time, he knows how irresponsible it is to say that to you, because it keeps you from moving on and keeps you hoping. so as if there were any doubt, that was really bad form on his part. if he were a truly good guy, he would let you go, and wouldn't let you be hampered by his indecision. but he's weak, and he's selfish, so i would urge you to stay away from him.

 

don't be like me...

[psu11]

thank you so much for your feedback, your advice definitely is helpful and validates what i've been thinking as well....

 

i think him being the dumper is surprised that i am not constantly giving him reasons to let him know "im here"..considering the breakup came out of nowhere.

 

i've done NC with him for about a month after our breakup, now it feels like its moving into LC. i dont mind going into LC because im in a place where i can emotionally handle it. i did NC for me, and if at any point in time i feel like LC is too much, i will not hesitate to go back to NC. the LC we have now are convos initated by him via instant messanger about once a week. part of me thinks hes trying to be friends, but i still cant shake the fact that he is trying to talk to me just enough so he knows im not forgetting him. either way, i'm moving on, im casually dating several guys...one of which is a pro athelete. when my ex found out, i think it was a shot to his ego, and perhaps thats why hes kept LC. my thoughts are, he made the choice to take himself out of my life, so i have nothing left to offer him. no explainations. no approvals. no validations.

[Todd S]

I don't for the life of me understand why you're worried... When you usually go to a party do you stop to consiously think about how you're gonna act, whether or not you're gonna filrt with people, etc? No, you simply go about the business of being yourself... My advice to you is don't start analysing normal situations, there's such a thing as thinking too hard (and in this case it'll simply lead to neurosis!)... Relax, be yourself, and enjoy being yourself... If certain people can't accept it then F..K them, they don't deserve your friendship!