Getting Blurry

[Majoraslayer]

I have read all over this board about people who have been together for about as long as me and my ex, and many of them are still suffering after entire months, perhaps regressing after even up to a year.

 

It has officially been a month since my breakup. There is still a LOT of aggression and anger there, but it seems the pain is getting more tolerable. Does anyone know of any studies done on mental blocks? After just one month of keeping up NC and forcing myself to accept I'm single, it seems that many of the memories that have been painful have become like a dream. Things that just happened ONE MONTH ago already seem like dreams, and many memories come and go in small chunks that I refuse to let myself think about. Even stuff from the beginning of the breakup is starting to get blurry, and I'm having trouble putting together an accurate timeline of the past three months. Things I've done in the past while I've actually struggled to remember if it was before or after the breakup.

 

I hope this continues. It would be great if at least by Halloween I can develop a nearly complete mental block of the memories I have with her. Already I've even considered finding a new g/f, but the only thing holding me back is that I'm afraid of slipping into a rebound relationship and I don't want to risk hurting someone like that. My logic, however, is that a rebound relationship is meant to help get over the one that hurt you. I don't want to use someone like that; I just want to find someone who can care about me as much as I do them, and to have fun. The only difficulty is that I still have anger and depression bursts from the previous relationship, and I don't want to carry that into a fresh one.

[Fisch]

Well the healthiest thing is probably be able to deal with what you CAN remember, but in a way it is probably just like letting memories fade. Just make sure not to bottle things up, let yourself feel what you need to or it can come up later and damage future relationships. Be honest with yourself and the way you feel. Disconnecting yourself from the past is usefull in a way though as long as you see it as moving on and not ignoring. I read in another thread and have experienced it myself, that pretending to be happy can help as well, just pretend for a little bit of time at the beginning of the day, smile to yourself. The body often reacts mentally to physical memory like that.

[crvers]

I hope this continues. It would be great if at least by Halloween I can develop a nearly complete mental block of the memories I have with her. Already I've even considered finding a new g/f, but the only thing holding me back is that I'm afraid of slipping into a rebound relationship and I don't want to risk hurting someone like that. My logic, however, is that a rebound relationship is meant to help get over the one that hurt you. I don't want to use someone like that; I just want to find someone who can care about me as much as I do them, and to have fun. The only difficulty is that I still have anger and depression bursts from the previous relationship, and I don't want to carry that into a fresh one.

 

For these reasons you have described I wouldn't recommend going and finding someone else to get over this relationship. Obviously, your trying to deal with this anger and aggression that resounds in you by talking about it. Thats a step towards trying to release it. I understand what your going through because I felt the same way. I though, allowed the anger help me focus my mind and push myself through this. Anger is not bad to feel, but it must be kept in check and used to helping the heart mend, and not to be used in a destructive manner. I may be alone on this concept, but its what I believe.

 

Also, its not good to block emotions and memories. In the end, it'll never let you fully resovle what you are going through and instead repress it. Eventually one day those memories will resurface and could cause more heartache in the future. I have read on this site by many others, that one day, with acceptance, you must embrace the breakup. You try and learn the lessons this experience has brought you. The relationship was not all bad and even though it ended and it hurts, their is still good memories that can still help make your life seem fullfilling. It took me a long time to understand that. To understand that even though their gone, they still left something behind that was good. It takes what it takes to heal through this, but once your through that darkness and into the light, you can look back on it and smile. You just need to understand their is an end to this road. It takes strength to pull though and not let the darkness consume you.

 

We all believe in ya man. You have a great life ahead of you. And even though right now life may seem like it sucks, it'll get better. And we're all gonna be here to watch ya do it.

[robowarrior]

Don't let bad experience from the past block you from living in the future.

ONLY put love and light into a relationship. You don't want to give that wheel of hatred another spin. You see small arguments can lead to big break ups and act as poison to the relationship, couples are supposed to make eachother happy, so don't put darkness and hatred into eachothers lives, because she didn't go out with you so you could make you unhappy, nor did you go out with her to make her life miserable, of course not. So beware of what you do, bring positive people/events in your life, cast negative people/events out of your life.

[Majoraslayer]

I think this is a sign of coping well. If I can suppress the past, then I can focus on the future and cope with the present.

[now_better]

don't suppress the past, accept it for what it was. for me, it's been almost 3 months of NC and my image of my relationship and my feelings toward my ex has morphed. i did all the dumb things people do when relationships end and was so weak that i was willing to take back my ex that cheated on me. HELLO?!?! * * * was wrong w/ me? it's great to look back and see how deep and fast you can sink into a hell hole of depression. i think i almost died (ending it all was a topic i delved on for quite a bit).

 

but the love i had and the depression are gone. i like to think i'm stronger, though i know i'm still in rebuilding mode. i also have random moments of enlightenment (i prefer saying that to anger) where i say to myself "she was a f-ing lie and i never knew who she was"... nice things like that.

 

i met this girl a few days ago, barely talked to her. i knocked on her door (ex-neighbor) and asked her out (first time i've ever done that in my life), and she rejected me. but it was AWESOME that i finally stopped thinking about my ex and was thinking about someone new. and it felt good to ask someone out even though it didn't go as well as i wanted. you don't have to pursue a long-term relationship, but i think it will help you heal by going out w/ people, whether it's a date or just w/ friends. i think a lot of your healing has a lot with how much effort you put into it.

 

i just changed departments at work (system engineer -> software engineer) and moved to a new apartment last week and i think my life is making a U-Turn from going nowhere to going somewhere where i can be proud of the life i lived. you'll figure it out, just remain optimistic.

[Majoraslayer]

I'm taking on more than I can stand. Currently I have to find some way to mentally process:

 

* Memory clips of times gone by with her

* I'll never be in her house again, pet her dog again, or fix her TV again

* We'll never share another hug or kiss

* She now does these things with another man

* All that she's ever said to me was a lie, including "I love you"

* With her I lost my best friend; now I have no one to tell all my secrets

* I wasn't good enough for her, and I gave her the chance to do this again

* The intimate sexual moments we once shared are gone forever, and she's now sucking him off whereas that was once her special gift to only me

* With her she took my heart's purity and innocence, so I can no longer give my whole heart to anyone; I've lost the ability to trust anyone fully. Though it is said that is unwise anyway, I still wanted to share it with my soulmate.

* She also took my happiness, comfort, virginity, faith in God, three CDs, five Playstation games, Legend Of Zelda t-shirt, and the contentment of knowing I could go anywhere and do anything without worrying about who I'll bump into.

 

....actually, considering the last one, I think I want a refund. This reminds me; I wrote a business letter in case I ever learned Cupid was real and owned a major corporation.

[Majoraslayer]

Well, so much for healing again. NC is at risk again; she came into work last night (I didn't see her but heard about it from someone) and asked if I work today. The girl at the service desk told her that I do, and she said she had to come in to buy something. So this could have one of two outcomes:

 

1) She uses this opportunity to come in while I'm at work to bother me, or

2) She uses this information to avoid me.

 

I can only pray its number 2; I really don't want to break NC. If nothing else, I want the blurry memory to get to the point that I forget she even exists. Already I've avoided her image and voice so much that I block out what she even looks like. I know her features well enough, but my mind refuses to draw them.