Help me give advice

[Steel72]

Ok, first off thank you to everyone on here for the past help, sometimes not posting my problems but just reading others and seeing how all of you give advice is enough to help a person through, that being said I need help on giving a co-worker advice, here is her story.....

 

She's in a relationship with a man for 4 years now, she moved and met him in his home state, wanted to move back to her family and he said he would if they got married, so they have been and are getting ready to hit 1 year in about a month. Thing is she thought she was not happy because where they were, they moved and she is still unhappy. They both work and he is controlling from where she can go to her "allowance" every month. Recently in the past 4-5 months she has met someone else, a friend at first but it has turned into more than that of late. She tells me he refuses to go further with her because she is married and it is not fair to him or her husband but he wants to "see what happens"....she has tried moving out this past weekend but her unemotional husband became quite the opposite and told her they can work on things. But no longer than he said that she called the other man and needs to see and talk to him. She is very torn between the 2 of them and I am out of advice because I do know all 3 of these people personally. I asked her to post here and actually showed her the site on how you have helped me but she is shy so here I am reaching for your guys vast knowledge once again. I think moving out and being away from both is best right now, she does not love herself at all and I feel she needs to start there....thanks in advance.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Steel - You're a good friend.

 

I guess I would personally advise a friend of mine in that situation to really take some time away just to think.

 

She certainly doesn't have to move out of the area, get a divorce or make any other commitment of any sort - but maybe just a weekend in a hotel to herself, to be alone with her thoughts. Take some time to think about each situation, play them both out. Write a pros and cons list for both.

 

It's a tough place to be, sounds life altering and that can't be easy.

 

It's nice to hear she's got a friend.

[Steel72]

I just want to help her go in the right direction.....just got off the phone with her actually before the 1st post. She was ready to leave Saturday night, bag packed and all and went apartment shopping that afternoon, she gave in to him. I have been where she is with an unemotional person and it is hard not to put myself in her shoes and give her some biased advice from my ex. She asks questions such as.....do I tell my husband about him? even though to the other mans credit he will not touch her until she is free. He is a co-worker of ours so she might be asked to leave her job by the husband also. She is also worried financially, it will be tough for her to be on her own. Again reasons not to stay with someone but it can feel like a safe shelter.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Yeh - it can. I know what you mean and feel for her. And I can totally see how security wins out over all else.

 

She's got some thinking to do tho. She could end up safe, but miserable....

[candy604]

first, she should not go further with the other guy she met. I'm glad the guy is stopping her from going any futher ( that would be called cheating if they did).

 

secondly, there is always marriage counselling.

 

Yes, she needs to love herself first inorder to get on in life. Maybe take her to some counselling classes etc..help her gain self-esteem etc..

[Steel72]

Well, she is telling herself that they are trying to work things out in the marriage BUT she continues to hound the other guy. He wanted to do a no contact for awhile and give her space, she continued to text message him, call him and they are speaking again, so much so that she was over his house this morning. People at work are now talking, where she used to hide it from almost everyone she seems happy to let people know she is persuing him now. He tells me there is only so many times he can say no to her but he is falling for her and it totally torn with the idea of her obviously being married. Pretty much all of us are telling her to take a step back but she refuses, she really seems to be so in love with the new guy but won't leave her husband. I am out of advice because I do know all 3 people involved here and I am sort of biased because the new guy is a friend/co-worker also of mine. Ugh, maybe I should mind my own business here......