Can't accept the thought of my ex having sex w/someone else

[FinchFreak2002]

As some of you may know from my previous posts, I dated the same girl for 8 years (since I was 16 and I'm now 25) We broke up in January and it was a pretty nasty breakup. I've talked to her several times since we broke up, but she is using a rebound guy to make me jealous. Anyway, she got together with this guy who she worked with. I felt so comfortable with her and trusted her after all these years and I didn't think that she would EVER leave me for this guy. He's 20 years old and she's 25. He is such a loser. He used to complain to her that he couldn't find a girlfriend and that nobody liked him. I noticed her beginning to feel sorry for him. I had asked her on several occasions if she was developing feelings for him and looked me in the eye and said "No". We used to joke around and I'd say that he looked like "Butthead" from "Beavis and Butthead", because he really did! She agreed. But we had had a really tough time the last year together. I had moved in with her and we had some problems in our relationship. After a stupid, petty argument one day, I packed my things and told her I was leaving. I said some nasty things which I regret. I told her she "would never do better than me"...and other nasty things. She didn't stop me from moving out, and that hurt me more than anything because I wanted her to stop me. At the same time, I thought that I needed a break from her. We needed a break from each other. So I moved out.

 

A few hours later, I wanted to go somewhere to talk about things. She refused. I had checked up on her a few days later and noticed that the guy that she works with was visiting her at her house. I was totally pissed off. I sort of knew him and just considered him a friend of hers...I even was sort of friends with him but not real close. Anyway, I called him that night and asked him if he'd heard about what happened between us. He said he did. I then asked him when the last time he spoke with her was and he said that it was in the morning at work. (I basically caught him in a lie because he was there that night) I told him this and he couldn't even answer me. I told him that me and my ex would work out our problems. I then proceeded to try to make him feel like he shouldn't be getting involved. I was telling him about some of her problems and trying to make him think that he should just butt out and mind his own business.

 

After about 2 weeks, I called my ex to ask for some of my things back that were still there. Now I'll admit, I've done a lot of stupid things to try to get back with her, but I'll tell you some of the things I've done. I loved this girl so much. We had talked about marriage even up until December 2002. This girl had a lot of personal and financial problems though and it took a toll on me. It gave me a lot of extra stress and I didn't want to get married until we were both financially stable. She had so many creditors and debtors after her and I was the exact opposite. Anyway, I was so upset at the thought of losing her that I went and bought a diamond engagement ring for almost 7 grand. (Yes, I loved her this much). When I went to go talk to her, I had some lines memorized about how much she means to me and that I was madly and deeply in love with her. That I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and to be my wife. She cried and slammed the door in my face.

 

That night, I got an email from "Butthead" and he basically told me to leave him and her alone...that she doesn't love me anymore and that she's in love with him. Leave them alone or they'll take legal action. I was totally devasted. I left them alone for awhile but then we started playing childish games, communicating through AOL profiles and whatnot. I was saying I was partying and living it up, she was saying how she's with her boyfriend __________.

 

Then, for her birthday, about 3 months later, I sent her a card, just a plain card just saying Happy Birthday. The next day I got a vulgar, nasty, disgusting message from this guy on my cell phone. He basically said that he'd done something sexual to my ex girlfriend and do I want to do something to her to get a taste of what it was like. I was EXTREMELY angry. I ignored them for the next 2 months.

 

Then I called her in June. We had a nice phone conversation for about an hour. Although at the end of the conversation, I had asked her if she wanted my number. She told me that she didn't want to lie to "Butthead" so she said that she better not take it. I said that it was cool, but she told me to "Call her anytime"...I never called.

 

Then in July, I bumped into her at her job (she works in a mall). I was really happy because I had just dropped 50lbs over the last several months. She looked the same and hadn't improved herself at all. We had a nice conversation for about 10 minutes...to which again she said "Stop by anytime"...I haven't stopped by at all.

 

Basically, I still love this girl and I still want to try to make things work if she does. What do you guys think about this situation? I still can't stand the thought of her being with this guy sexually. I don't understand her attraction at all. She told me bluntly that she wasn't attracted to him. Do you think she's using him to make me jealous? Does she wanna "see if the grass is greener" so to speak since we were together for so long? Do you think it will last between them (They've been together for about 6 months). I almost feel like the two of us are strangers and that we never mattered to each other at all. Any thoughts?

[crookster_man]

Well I can understand where you are coming from. The anger, the disappointment and the fact that she is with someone else. First off, anyone who runs off into another relationship is using that other person as a crutch. They are not dealing with the emotional baggage and will suffer for it eventually.

 

I can tell that you don't hold this "butthead" in the highest regards. That's quite understandable. Regardless of the situation, he is the other guy to you. You will never be completely cool with him. I wouldn't worry about him to much though. If he's stupid enough to get involved with someone so quickly after breaking up with a person of 8 years he will get his. I'm sure we'll be seeing him on here soon enough

 

You are doing the right things by avoiding her and moving on. Listen, what you had and what you felt for each other was real. You did love her and you will always have a place for her in your heart. Dwelling on the situation will solve nothing unfortunately.

 

Getting angry at the situation hurts who? Well I'll give you a guess it doesn't hurt him or her. Here's a quote of mine you might like. The fool gets angry, the smart man gets even and the wise man forgives... I guess I'll have to learn to be happy being the smart man. Honestly though, you do have to put this in the past. I know the fact that she is being sexual with someone else hurts. But really what can you do? What do you want to happen? Do you really want to get back together with her? I think you want to let go, you are just to afraid of what that means... She will truly be gone.

 

You have to make a choice, a life choice. Right here, right now... What will it be?

[Gilgamesh]

hello Finchfreak

 

I have to say that you really "messed" up big time. you did two very destructive things that destroyed your relationship.

 

One is, not talking things over and making up after what you call a "petty" argument (may not have been petty to her) and then playing the immature game of doing the ol' im walking out because i didnt win the argument/get my way game.

 

When you did those things you hurt her and your relationship by hurting her for your own selfish reasons, and and losing her trust, and man, when you lose that your in trouble.

 

See in her mind, you hurt her, that action alone, tells her that you dont really care for her feelings, second she also came to the realization that you cant be trusted, that your "capable" of doing this again.

 

Yes, its true that its very conceivable that she paired up with "butthead" precisely because she knows this would hurt you and because its a "rebound" relationship, but it could also be because she knows he "butthead" is another victim of your insensitive behavior and relates to him and feels a a certain rapport with him.

 

You see a womans attraction to a man is not all about looks, popularity or money, yeah it helps, but over time women realize this isnt what makes a relationship a happy one. its very likely she has discovered what was missing from her relationship with you with this other person. Like they say, its whats inside that counts.

 

look at your posts again, you write about YOUR hurts, YOUR wants, nothing about Her feelings.

 

You need to reflect on how your actions affect others in your life, you need to learn from your mistakes and really repent over how you have treated her, not as a trick to get her back, but for your own good.

 

Your best course of action, is to leave her be, and stop making her feel bad for her re-actions to your hurtful actions, if she loves you, she may give you another chance, continue to pester and make her feel bad for what YOU did, well, that second chance will never come, thats if it isnt too late already.

 

Oh by the way, you know that every time you make contact with her and ask her, "hey how can you like this butthead" dweeb, or whatever terms you use, your basically telling her, 1 you havent changed, 2 your still insensitive, and 3 she becomes more convinced that the new guy is what she needs.

 

im sorry if i was a bit harsh on ya bud, but think of me as a good buddy that popped ya beside the head for "messing" up. but to quote a phrase from Vernon Howard, "Your enemies are those who approve of your wrong behavior, and your friends are those who disapprove, and that is all there is to it"

[FinchFreak2002]

Obviously after 6 months I'm feeling a lot better and you can tell from my frame of mind, but I was totally, totally a mess after all this happened. I was seeing a shrink for 2 months, I couldn't eat for almost 2 weeks straight after the break up. I know some of you think I'm acting cocky and conceited, but it's only because I'm only starting to recover from this. I've had a lot of time to think about things. I still obsess over it and still think about it a lot, but I am at peace with my life for now. I still love this girl. She was my first love, and she meant the world to me. I know that she felt the same way. It's only the last year that we've had some problems. I am by no means perfect, and I don't claim to be, however this girl has some serious personal and financial issues in her life that took a toll on our relationship. She most definitely took a step down to be with this guy she's with now. It's just low class and trailer park to get involved with her so quickly after our break up and then to pour salt in my wounds. What does that say for her too? She approved of this. If she had any sense whatsoever, she would've either had a talk with me or would've told him to just leave me alone.

 

Again, you're gonna think I'm conceited, but I was about the one thing this girl had going for her. She has no education, nothing going for her, no career...The thing is, I cared about her more than anything. I just wanted to see a little bit of effort on her part to achieve something with her life so that if we got married she would have something to contribute to our relationship. She never stepped up to the plate.

 

And where is his class? He obviously has no class whatsoever. If he had any, he wouldn't have gotten involved with her so soon and he would've backed off. I grew up with this girl. We went on vacations together, graduated high school together, went to junior and senior proms, she morally supported me through college and beyond...she's known him for less than a year. This guy basically is playing on her sympathy and probably saying every bad thing in the book about me to turn her off to me. She's throwing away everything we had for this.

 

Crookster_Man, I appreciate the kind words. I like your words of wisdom and I like your quote. I've learned a lot about this whole situation and it was my first breakup. I just happen to be going through it later in life than most people. I wish I knew about enotalone about 5 or 6 months ago...but luckily I've had a strong support group in friends and family. I've gone on some dates with other girls, I've met other people and I continue to do things to keep busy, however I still think about this girl often and yes, I still do hope we can work things out. I love her and I'd like to try to make it work. But, I've done everything I can, and all I can do is go on with my life for now. If she wants to contact me, she knows where I am. If it never works out, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

I used the topic about sex because that is one thing that really does hurt me. I mean I loved what we had. It was so special because we only made love with each other and no one else. It was real special and now it is ruined. Can I ever look at her the same way again?

 

To reply to Giglamesh, all I can say is that I respect your opinion but there is much more to the story than I could ever fit here. There were a lot of things leading up to that fight in which I packed my stuff and moved out. I'm the one who tried to talk to her and she refused. Till this day, we have not discussed the breakup or what went wrong. I don't want to now at this point because there is just too much pain there, but she could've had some decency to talk after an 8 year relationship. That's just my opinion. Maybe I did become insensitive...I won't dispute you there, but I bent over backwards for this girl. I did everything for her, went out of my way for her, and all I wanted was to see a little bit of effort on her part. I actually liked "butthead" for awhile and never considered him a threat. Now I hate his guts and you could understand why. Again, maybe you're right about me talking about my hurt and my feelings but she's free to write all about her feelings till the cows come home. She actually happens to be an overly sensitive person who probably played a part in turning me into an insensitive person.

 

Also, I never even acknowledge her and his relationship. When she speaks of him, I speak no ill of him. I act as if I don't even recognize him as being relevant to us. Because he isn't relevant to us at all. He should've just butt out and minded his own business, something someone with a bit of class would've done.

 

Finally, I don't think you're harsh at all, I appreciate your comments and I look at it as constructive criticism. I want to learn from this and I want to make myself a better person...that's why I'm here!

 

Bottom line is that even though I just said a mouthful of "bad" things about him and her. I still love her. I love what we had, and I know that we just needed a break from each other and we need to grow and mature a little bit by being apart. I think we can start over on the right foot. There was so much there and I think we just need a fresh start. Some of you may think I'm crazy, but that's how I feel. I appreciate all of your comments and I am thankful for this forum.

[Gilgamesh]

I do agree you have reason to be upset, and yes, butthead was an opportunist, eventually he will learn the hard way, as many others of us have, about falling for someone recently out of a relationship.

 

If you really love this girl, the best thing you can do, is, give her her space, let her discover on her own what she is missing. if you pressure her, she will be pushed away.

 

I also wish i had the knowledge i have now, 7 months ago, i would have saved a lot of pain for my self. we live we learn, its all part of life. wish it was easier.

[FinchFreak2002]

Gilgamesh...when you say "I do agree you have reason to be upset, and yes, butthead was an opportunist, eventually he will learn the hard way, as many others of us have, about falling for someone recently out of a relationship." What do you mean? I know you don't have a crystal ball and I know you can't tell what will happen, but from your experience, what happens to relationships like his and hers? I mean they've been together for 6 months now. Believe me, I know it sounds selfish, but I want something to go wrong with them. I wish that she would just see what she's throwing away. I am not going to sit and wait for her, as I am living my life, and I won't jump right back into the relationship where we left off, but I do want her back in my life. As long as she is with him, we can't be in each other's lives.

[crookster_man]

Well I don't know about Gilgamesh's opinion, but I'll give you mine. When you get involved with someone who is freshly out a relationship you are what is know as the rebound guy. There is no escaping this. Does this mean that their relationship is doomed to fail? No. However it does mean that they will have an extremely stressful time working out various issues.

 

Even though you may think it, no one can just turn off a switch and stop feeling for another person (unless they never felt for them, which isn't your case). After a relationship ends we need to reflect upon what has happened to learn our lessons, grieve and heal. If you jump into a new relationship chances are you will not reflect or deal with the emotions. Thus you will learn absolutely nothing and are pretty much doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

 

Or, you do go through the grieving process and make the other person's life hell as you go on your emotional rollercoaster. Trying to deal with the feelings of grief while trying to start a new relationship is hell. The other person will be completely confused and will probably end up ruining things or scaring the other person.

 

Or, they will just use the other person a substitute. They will have fun with them and then cut them loose once they are over there real love.

 

These are generally what happen to those unfortunate few who dwell in the land of rebound. Now I'm not saying that they will mess it up, maybe they will persevere and maybe they will work. No one really knows; does it really matter to you? What I mean is, is it critical to your happiness and personal development if your EX finds some other guy she is happy with?

 

I know it's hard not to dwell, the thought of them together hurts. (BTW she probably isn't to thrilled about you being with anyone else either) However, in letting go of her, you will let go of the relationship and truly heal. Believe me in time, all this pain will be gone. Understand that relationships are just passing things. They being us contentment and happiness for a while, but in this life ALL things must end. Whether through breakups, divorce or death. If you come to terms with that, life will be much easier for you.

 

Remember, the road to healing is long but you have friends all along the way. You are not alone.

[Roq]

My ex of a year and 9 months just recently started having sex with other guys... she gets drunk and says she doesn't even remember the sex. She also told me she made out with a guy and girl at the same time, that hurt me so damn bad. I know how you feel man. I haven't gotten through this yet so I can't really give any advice, sorry, but I do know how you feel.