Seeking advice

[Fallback guy]

Well first off pardon my grammer but here goes my story.I met Nikole 4 years ago and she was 6 months out of a divorce with 4 children and i knew this going into the relationship.We got along great and had almost everything in common including an online game called World of Warcraft(hard to find a gal interested in video games),I broke up with her back in Nov because it became a realtionship over the phone even though she lives 20 mins away.She just didnt seem to want to come over anymore and i didnt get out to her house much over these past 4 years,after 2 months i started haveing dreams that something bad happened to her and relized i truly was in love with her and called her to ask if she wanted to work things out.

 

She and i both cried and she told me she was sorry for trying to change me and force me to come out to her house more buy being just a voice over the phone.I have sick parents that i take care of which she claims needs to be put in a nurseing home but i cant afford that.So things were going fine until about 2 months ago and she started acting funny again,things like not picking up the phone when i called and not coming by to even see me when she was in town for collage or lunch with friends which she used to do.

 

So we argued alot and i talked about my feelings and how there was no intimacy in our relationship anymore and that even coming by to see me would mean alot,i would hear things like "Well i didnt know if you were asleep or not",at one point when i was talking about how i felt she said"Your feelings Blah Blah Blah".I was shocked she said this and thought this is not the person i met and told her that was very insensitve and in a later argument she spouted off" You say im insensitve,well thats just the way i am" again not the person i met at all.

 

So i started to think mabey someone else is involved in this problem and i asked her several times to which she always answered "no" and it just kept eating at me and asking her again made her angry.Now she wants time to sort thru some issues she is haveing so she says and claimed i took two months when i broke up with her and to back off and quit asking her back.Then we talked and we again both cried and i asked if we could try to work things out and she said"Can we just go slow" which i was fine with but when i called her the next day she acted like i was bothering her and said i called 3 times in a 24 hour period which was too much for her.

 

Ok so i back off calling and a week later she calls me at work on my cell and makes small talk then starts talking about the game we play and how upset she was at me for takeing sides with someone else in the game on another issue to which my response was...It's just a game...so i ask her if this is why she called and she replyed with"Well Mostly".I was heart broken but i kept my cool.A week later she starts talking to me online in game and wants to know why i was not on for a game event.I told her i was out with some friends and left it at that,then the drama started"Ok,so like i dont know who your friends are" and why wont you answer me about who you were out with.Then i got "fine,i see how it is,none of my business,guess i wasnt that hard to get over huh?".

 

At this point i really didnt know what to say but ended up telling her who i was out with and that i was not seeing anyone.I told her im gettin mixed signals her,you want me to give you space but you want me to still talk to you.Her reply was "I need to talk to you to work thru some of these issues like if we still have anything in common,if we can have a disagreement without blowing up at each other and empowerment="her version=her being able to say things to me without me getting mad which usually is about what i should do with my parents.

 

So its been a week now and i havent talked to her and i havent been online so she can't talk to me that way but"i know you all want to smak me about now" I miss her so much and i want to work things out with her and start with a fresh slate.I told her you cant live in the past and she says "how can i not,its all i know".I really thought and still do think shes the one i want to settle down with and im at my ropes end here and very depressed.I have no idea what she dose from day to day and my only hope is that she dosent have anyone else and is actually takeing this time to work thru these issues,before the break up i was spending more time out at her house going to ball games that her children had and trying to show her that i loved her but she pretty much acted like i didnt exsist and when i asked to spend the night i got told i would probably have to sleep on the couch because she had not had time to make her bed...this was like 3 days before i wanted to..she ended up takeing 20 mins out of her day while i was there and her and her daughter made the bed...i went to put my overnight bag in her room and she asked me where i was going and doing and i thought that was odd as well.

 

Any advice in a kind manner would help me out

[Fallback guy]

Sorry all for the long post, i guess i know what i need to do and im not thinking straight.It just hurts

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I think she likes having your attention but is not interested in giving anything back.

And I find it absolutely terrible she wants to get rid of YOUR parents, whatever you decide has to be only based on what you feel, not on anything she says, specially since you are not really having a relationship.

 

You seem like an emotionally healthy person in love with a very messed up one, if it weren't because you sound quite sane I believe your relationship with her would be now a huge abusive mess which would require many years of your life to get out of.

So, it's not too bad, it won't be easy to move on but you can do it, you should do it really, she says she doesn't care about you and she acts like she doesn't care about you, she doesn't treat anybody around her with respect (you included), what else do you need?.

[Fallback guy]

Thank you for your kind words Stolenshadow,it helps take the edge off of her makeing me think everything is my fault.

[stolenshadow]

I don't see how can it be your fault that she's so irresponsible and all over the place with her life.

 

I believe you've been very lucky, your situation is not desperate but I wouldn't keep playing with fire if I were you, you must really walk away before you're damaged for life, right now you can still see there may be something wrong with her actions, but there can be a point when you'll see her behaviour as normal, and you really don't want to be trapped in a relationship full of games, manipulation and aggression.

 

One day you'll look back and wonder "How in the world did I have a relationship with her?!" and that day you must make sure you know why you did it so you can avoid it from happening again.

[need2bme]

I don't know how to tell you to let go. You are doing the right thing to leave her alone, but I know how hard it is.

 

Somehow we have to let them be, or they will never know if they love us; and who wants to be with someone that does not love them?

[Fallback guy]

Well i have been haveing a rough go of it past couple of days but i have not contacted her,but i did log into World Of Warcraft today when she was on and she sent me a private message and wanted to know how the visit with the lawyer went because me and my brother are trying to make sure that when my father passes away that our mother will not lose the house in probate and be able to live out the rest of her life at home instead of a nurseing home.

 

I did not respond to her and logged off,she once said in out last conversation online before i went NC "Ok,and when you shut me out and treat me like I am dirty or whatever or not worth talking to or a stranger or whatever,that pushes me the other way".

 

I want to call her or log back on and tell her because what she said keeps crossing my mind "that pushes me the other way" and im gettin weaker by the moment.Would someone please advise me asap

[Fallback guy]

Well i did it and called her but i didnt mention the realtionship and filled her in on what was going on.I have mixed feelings about what i did by calling her and wanted so bad to say i love you at the end of the conversation but i didnt and she didnt.So i'm back to square one with NC,i really thought i could do this and its not my first heartbreak i had to get over.But im getting older now and feel like i will never find anyone ever again.

 

She was the one and only i had planned on asking to marry me and i felt a soulmate kind of connection with her but then she changed her mind about our relationship and wants time to be by herself so she said and work on some issues she has.

[need2bme]

It is strange you mention, not finding anyone again.

 

I wonder why we would feel that way. What causes a person to hang on, to something the KNOW is bad or not going to work.

 

You are right. We had these pains before and got over them. Why not now? Why can't we just draw on past history to know that we can do it now?

 

Good luck on the NC. I tried today and ended up having to speak with her about the bills at our apartment. I am going to try and get eveything settled, so I don't have to speak to her.

 

Hang in there.

[stolenshadow]

I wish you had at least not called right away.

 

She basically said "You don't do what I want and you won't get anything from me", she pulled a string.

I dread to think what a marriage with her would be like, you do something she doesn't agree with and she packs her bags.

 

I also wonder why she felt NC was treating her like dirt...

 

But, honestly "soulmate" relationships are not full of doubts.

And fears of not being able to find "somebody else" are never a good reason to settle for a bad relationship.

[Fallback guy]

Another thing i was thinking about is the fact that the PC game we both play we are on the same server and in the same guild where she is also the guild leader and mabey i should quit her guild and move to another or transfer to a different server because she will try and talk to me and that just makes it harder for me to deal with all this.

 

It would be hard to leave the many friends i have made and transfer to a different server but i just fall apart everytime she talks to me.I was talking to her about the cost of the lawyer and how the lawyer was very rude thruout the consultation and when i asked if we could be billed or would she prefer payment now and of course she wanted payment now which i paid.Her response to this instead of being sympathetic was" Well how would you feel if someone with X amount of debt is asking to be billed".

 

Im going to make a doctor appointment today,i just dont think i can handle the void im falling deeper and deeper into day by day.

[stolenshadow]

Okay, let me go bit by bit.

 

Firstly, you don't have to leave your game friends permanently, you can go to a different server, make new friends, and then return to the old one, or maybe there are days she's not around there?.

 

Some people do need a therapist in order to overcome a break-up, usually because there are many other things going on that affect them, so, all the help you can get is a good idea.

 

Now, do you have the chance to go for a walk?, do you practice any kind of sport?, just being able to move physically helps a lot when we're sad or depressed, even anxious, venting does too, you can start a journal or a series of letters for her, get everything out but don't let her know about it.

Besides the online gaming, are there any other hobbies you have?, is there maybe something you enjoyed doing but no longer had time for?, right now is a good time to start or continue doing things just for enjoyment.

 

This will take time, but because we have all felt what seems an unbearable pain there's discouragement that we don't heal faster, don't give up, take it one day at a time so it's manageable.

Plan your days for every 24hrs, do things you enjoy, if you feel sad it's okay, just keep going.