Family too close for comfort?

[LittleLisa]

Hello,

 

It's me being a pest again. I've been with my boyfriend over 2 and a half years pretty much 3 years and we're both 19. I feel however though that we have no freedom to do things that we want to as his fmaily are very close knit and always planning things to do. Don't get me wrong I don't mind doing family things but we always have to be doign something with his family at least every other day-which means my family get sidelined a lot as when we aren't doing things with his famly we like to spend time alone.

 

I really like his family, but I have never met a family so tight knit. It's liek for one instance his sister was really * * * * *y and horrible to me but in my boyfriend's opinion that's fine as he 'doesn't want to upset her.' I hate the way he has an inabilityto just occasionally say no to things.

 

We're always on family outings with his family, having dinner at all theirs, going bingo, trips abroad etc. But sometimes there's things I'd like to do wihtmy boyfriend on my own. Such as there was a time we wanted a meal alone together but his sister invited herself so we had to go as a 3. But when we had something planned and my sister invited herself alone I felt comfortable enough to say to her 'is it okay if me and bf just go alone together?'

 

I've tried speaking to my boyfriend about it as I'd really liek todo somethings on our own such as a holiday but he just finds it hard to say no to things. I really love him but I don't like not being in a '2-person relationship.'

 

But the thing is he calls my fmaily clingy when he speaks ot and sees his a lot more: my family speak to me once a week for about an hour (he speaks and sees his everyday, when his not with them they're on the phone). we're going coast tomorrow wiht my family (the first thing all done together in a year) and he complains about it (but we're out with his every other day).

 

Pleae don't take this the wrong way I'm not asking him to cut his family out completely: I just want a happy medium: spending time alone together, spending time with hsi family and spending time with my family and I can't see what's wrong with that.

 

I don't know what to do as I feel like my feelings and my family don't matter.

 

A couple of mates have said that if I really find it uneasy (as they thing his family are really clsoe knit from what they've seen) then maybe I should find someone else, but I don't want that I want him and to do things alone.

 

I wondered what other people's thoughts and feelings are on this matter; please tell me if I'm in the wrong but how can I get him to start tryign to do things a bit more my way?

 

All help/criticism is highly appreciated.

 

Many Thanks

 

Little Lisa x

[AwdreeHpburn]

Little Lisa - do you think it could be your/his age? Stage of life? Like, I mean that in the way that, he's just coming in to his own. He's lived with and is prolly really used to just doing what he's told and doing the family thing.

 

You're probably more adjusted to becoming an adult and doing things more on your own.

 

I suggest you just give it a little more time. As he, and you, get more independent, I have a feeling some of those things will change.

 

I totally get what you're saying and don't think you're nit picking at all. I think you know exactly what you want. The tricky part is going to be him seeing and understanding it. I think time wil help.

 

Ever seen the movie The Family Stone?

[kellbell]

Little Lisa,

 

Is this same boyfriend whose sister does innappropraite things? I looked at your thread from April and her behavior is a very odd and something I would not want to get involved with at all.

 

I think your issue goes way beyond you and your boyfriend needong alone time together....things do not seem right in that family. At 19, I feel you are a little too young to get bogged down and face these types of matters.

 

If you have talked to your boyfriend in the past about your concerns to no avail, it may be time to move on. The blood in that family runs thick and strong, there may be no way to break that bond. I am sorry if my post is not encouraging but your description of what goes on in your boyfriend's family is a bit odd and unsettling.

[robowarrior]

There is a way. I know of people who wanted to get rid of their family(avoiding mothers in laws and what not). Their answer was to MOVE away, from the family. Now this might work in a slightly modified version for you. Take a trip with your bf. Might be for a weekend > or maby a week, just go somewhere AWAY from the family. Also you have to do something extra. Namely say to your bf that you want to take him on a 'romantic' date to a restaurant or something of your liking,so that you make it clear to him you want him and you to spend some quality time together. And if point comes to Pole, just downright state against his family that you want to spend some quality time with him alone. So if HE cant say no YOU will say no against his familly, and if he complains ,complain back to him and tell him that he has to learn how to say no. And that you two have been doing nothing but with his family and never have spend some quality time together. That he shouldn't be scared, he's not losing anything, because his family will still be there for him once he comes back, and should see it as a little extra between you and him which enables you two to get to know eachother a little better.

 

Now ALL with all this what im saying now is important. Not a SINGLE bad word about his family, you got that? Since he's almost 1 with his family, any insult directed to (his mom,dad, sister you name it) will be considered as an insult against him. So translate it to him as following ' I love your family to bits, but i want quality time together with you, so i can say You + Me, can have some romance and devellop love for eachother giving eachother special time together in which i can explore who you are without the background noise and nuisiance of our families. (that way you'll hopefully separate him mentally from his family for a bit)and you from your family)