Is it a bad idea to want closure?

[lsubaby21]

I recently posted about my ex-boyfriend whom I had been with for 3 years. I am having a rough time getting over him, even though in my heart I know it was for the best. I know he is seeing someone else and that is the part that is really killing me. I am controlled by my endless thoughts of them together. I wrote him a letter telling him my feelings and what I learned from our relationship. So far he has not expressed any of his feelings.

 

Is it wrong for me to want to know how he feels and/or felt about me and our relationship? Is it just desperate to want to know if he loved me as much as I loved (and still do love) him. A part of me just wants to meet with him one last time to close up the deal and part with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Only in respect of what we had together. Then another part of me just wants to let it ride and see if he will ever miss me.

 

Is it a bad idea to want some kind of closure? And if not, how do I go about getting it from him without looking like the desperate, lovesick ex-girlfriend who can't move on???[/b]

[in_the_mirror]

i can see why you want closure. it is alright there is nothing wrong with it. he might not think that is a good thing because you had been going for a long time. he might be thinking that if he does meet you one last time that he might want you back and you will not take him like you said. i wouldnt be too worried about not having closure though you seem o still have some contact with him. you should try and tell him that you want closure and ask him if he feels the same. if he doesn't suggest anything you tell him what you want and ask him if it is ok with him.

[crookster_man]

I understand that you are suffering from the break up. It hurts very much to be alone and hurts even more that he appears to be moving on with his life, while you are still stuck in a world of pain and suffering. First off I want to say that as long as you aren't hurting yourself there is no wrong way to feel. Some people heal at different speeds then others. Some get very upset, others bottle it up. There is no wrong way to heal, it is a very personal experience.

 

The grief felt from the death of a relationship is very similar to that felt from the death of a loved one. However, there is one striking difference. The death of a person is final. There is immediate closure in this sense. They will not be coming home, there is no hope for reconciliation. We have to accept the fact that they are gone. However, one doesn't get this when a relationship ends. They other person is still out there living, doing things and such. There is no solid closure, so we have to create our own closure.

 

It was smart of you to write that letter, I recommend that to everyone as an effective way to get some closure. One thing you will have to realise is that closure is for you not for him. Where he is in his life, what he felt and what happened is not important. The fact of the matter is that you and him are no more. He is moving on with his life, good for him, this in no way should affect your happiness. Dwelling on the old relationship will solve nothing and hurt more.

 

Chances are he defiantly felt feelings for you. When he said I love you, he most likely meant it. However, the relationship is over now and it must be put to rest. A good idea is to gather up all of his things you have, cards, pictures and what not. Burn them, or lock them away in a box. Have a little ceremony in which you "bury" the relationship and let it go (say a few words, cherish the memories and then seal the box and put it away).

 

Forgive him for his mistakes and forgive yourself for yours. Focus on healing and growing, take what you can from this experience and learn from it. Every experience can be a positive growing experience if you take what lessons you can from it. I know it's hard not knowing what he feels about you. Does it really matter in the long run? It's nice to think he still thinks of you. Chances are he still has thoughts of you, but the person you loved, the relationship you help build is no more. These things happen.

 

We pursue that which retreats from us.

[winkie]

It is common to want closure, but you have to realize that when you get it that may be over. You can get your own closure by knowing that he has moved on and that you should do the same. It would be great to hear that he loved you during your relationship but I am sure that he did or else he would not have spent 3 years with you. People lose touch sometimes and you are going to be upset but you have to move on and create your own closure or else you may get lost in your sorrow and never get the courage to stand up again or encourage new relationships. Good Luck

[crookster_man]

I was reading over your post again and something else came to mind. I'm not sure how long you have been apart from your Ex, but the way you posed the question "Is it bad to want closure?" made me think.

 

Do you really want closure? Maybe you actually like the drama of the situation? Maybe it's your last tie to him and the relationship. If you get closure you will have to face the fact that the relationship is truly over. Is that something you are afraid of, not quite ready to do it? Just a thought I had. Is there any merit to it?