Scared...

[Gracelove]

I have this horrible feeling inside.

 

Today was a good day. Then I wanted to see this movie with my boyfriend.

 

We were looking at Pay-per-view.

 

The movie is called "The perfect fit".

 

It looked really interesting ya know.

But it wasn't that good...not for me.

 

It reminded me of bad time in my life.

And there's this part, where the girl doesn't want to have sex, and her boyfriend makes her to it anyways.

 

I had a similar situation with my ex.

 

It wasn't rape in my case, because I didn't say, "no", but it was so horrible.

 

The relationship was horrible.

I had a major breakdown in that relationship.

And it got to the point where what he said, went.

 

He gave me an option, I could either perform oral on him, or have intercouse with him.

Just thinking about it makes me feel so horrible!

 

So, I chose intercourse....

I can't tell you have it feels...to be so beat down that you can't fight back.

 

I lost my world then, I lost all strength. I learned not to speak, not to fight back....I learned to be owned.

 

And he had intercourse with me, and I just laid there feeling horrible.

I laid there, motionless and in pain, while he shoved himself into me.

 

I wasn't wet or anything, and he just shoved himself inside of me, over and over again.

And I couldn't do anything.......

 

And I feel horrible.

 

And then later on....I'm raped by a complete stranger, and I can't do anything.

He told me that I told him, "no", and he did it anyways.

 

And it felt so good at first, to know that I said, "no". To know that, at least this time, I was able to say something.

 

Nevermind that my words didn't mean much....that was no surprise.

 

Those men....the first two men I had intercourse with....it makes me so sad.

And I know that the second one isn't called intercourse because it was rape, but I don't know what to call it.

 

And now I'm in a great relationship, with a wonderful person.

And I actually like intercourse with him, I'm safe ya know.

I'm safe.....and I know that nothing bad will happen to me.

 

We don't have intercourse right now though, who knows when we will.

 

I just......

It's nice to have a pleasant experience with intercourse.

With someone I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

After that movie, I tried to think of the type of person I would be without my current boyfriend.

 

I would be paranoid.

I would be scared.

I wouldn't be able to sleep at night.

 

And now....

School is starting for my boyfriend, and he'll still be working full-time, and I won't be able to see him much....

 

I depend on him ya know. I've been with him since a week after my rape.

 

Without him I have no one, no one I can trust, no one who I can reach through-out the day and talk to.

No one who will listen.

 

And now I'm more scared than ever.

 

Why am I alive?

I mean, I'm not suicidal or anything, not at all, but why am I alive?

 

What's the point?

 

I mean....why?!!!!!!

 

Why did this have to happen to me?!!!!

 

Am I so horrible.

To be controlled, and stalker, and mistreated, and harassed, and assulted, and raped!

 

What have I done?

 

I've always tried to be kind to others, obeident to parents, and this is my life.

 

And I'm going to be alone, I have to face that now.

I have to be alone with me now.

Alone..........

All alone.........

 

How am I going to do it?!

 

I mean, look in the mirror and see this girl!

Get dressed up, wear nice clothes, go to work, and for what?!

To provide for me???

 

Am I worthy of that?

 

Do you know what I'll think? Of men who want to flirt, etc.

 

I'll look at them, and know they can over-power me, abuse me, and I'm not strong enough to do anything about it.

How can I look people in the face knowing that?

How?

 

How can I go outside knowing that?

Because that's my life, my existence.

 

And I spend my days thinking of ways to distract myself.

And I go to school, that horrible place, the place where everything occurred.

My ex could still be there for all I know.

 

And I don't want to be there, I don't.

 

I don't want to go to school there!!!!!

 

And everybody is pushing me!!!! "You're almost done, right? You're so close right?"

 

And there is that girl! That girl who knows what happened to me and doesn't care! That girl...who's going to be in that office.

That girl!!!!!

 

That girl that I thought was my friend.

A true friend, possible a close friend.

 

And what in the world makes me think that I deserve anything!!!!!!

Those that know me want to hurt me, to abuse me, and I don't know what i do wrong!

 

I don't know, I don't know....

I'm just me.

At one time I thought I was too nice, but that's not it.

 

I'm just living, I guess that's it.

 

and I don't want to think about it, I don't want to think about being alone, I don't want to be alone, alone in this world, alone and vunerable.

Alone, all alone.

and I'm scared, so scared!!!!

 

I don't want to do this anymore.

I want to crawl under a rock.

and just stay there.

And let life pass me by.

 

And maybe I would, but I don't want to be anymore of a disappointment to my parents than I already am.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Grace,

 

Firstly, you do want to stay away from explicit movies me thinks!

 

We will work on that girl. Don't worry!

 

You have your family and us.

 

Keep happy!

[california_love2006]

this is the first post i've read by you so i may be missing some things. But have you told your boyfriend how you feel about him and how much he means to you? I'm sure he'd like to hear that. and i wish you the best of luck with your boyfriend and your life i'm sorry to hear what has happened to you in the past. But that was the past, Think of a bright future ahead