Is she lost forever?

[daveybee]

Hi all, i've only just registered but i was so impressed by the advice that i had to join up once i'd read a few posts. I could really do with some advice and support.

 

I am in the middle of a break up with "Y", my girlfriend of 18 months.

 

My ex girlfriend "L" i was with for 3 years. I broke up with her for my latest girlfriend who is in the process of dumping me. When i first started seeing Y, i was still sleeping with my ex. Y (my current girlfriend) found that out about a year ago but didn't want to break up with me because she said it was in the past.

 

Throughout my relationship with Y, i have emailed my ex, L , on many occasions. We were really close and i only broke up with her cos i wasn't ready to settle down and she wanted to buy a house and stuff. She's since moved to from London to Ecudor to be with her new boyfriend. I met Y at university. She was 18 and i was 21. She had just started uni and i was in the 3rd year. She was absolutely stunning. I love spending time with her, having her on my arm was a confidence boost in itself. Everyone knew she was gorgeous but she was mine.

 

Despite that, i emailed my ex L, quite a few times. Most recently i emailed to say i really was sad she was going and that i was sitting at my pc at work crying my eyes out. I said it was * * * *ed up she was being met by another guy. It was a moment of panic almost that the situation was being taken out my hands. Y kept on asking me if i'd emailed L and i lied every time because i was embarrassed, didn't want to admit i still cared for L because i thought that would hurt her and was ashamed that i was emailing. I guess i was emailing for a confidence boost - to hear she still wanted me. This happened about 4 times. Y found out over and over that i'd emailed her and didn't break up with me. She took me back every time.

 

A month ago on the night of my birthday i was out with all my closest group of friends. Y got told i'd emailed L again by a girl jelous of her. My gf Y had a very good friendship with this girl's boyfriend and she was very jelous. I went mad at the girl who told her (who also hates me). I pushed her. She fell over and got me arrested (she was not truly injured - i am sure of that). I spent 18 hours in a cell. I was released with a warning but no criminal record because my girlfriend Y gave a statement to say that the girl i pushed had assaulted her too (which she had - she shook her and scratched her in anger at the fact that she was good friends with her boyfriend shortly before i pushed her). Since then i've not spoken to any of my group of friends cos they are all closer to her boyfriend than me. They've abandonned me from the group and they're angry with me for "hurting" this girl. I tried to call the guy who is the boyfriend of the girl who i pushed (he was my best friend at uni), but he said i was only calling cos i was having issues with Y and i didn't care before so why should he listen to me now and he hung up.

 

So 2 weeks ago my gf found out i'd emailed liz again. I gave her a login to an email account i had which was one i'd not even told her i had. I tried to show her the most recent email i'd sent to liz to show her we were just friends and it was nothing more (which was how the most recent email i sent her was like). But in the sent items folder were some others. I still cannot believe i did this. In the process of trying to come clean i showed i had still lied further and was infact still lying. My gf went mad. She said i was a joke.

 

I think that was the moment i lost her. She started going out with a different friend, going to clubs and stuff. We went out a few weekends ago, i was meeting people from work and spent a few hours with them. My girlfriend stayed for a while then claimed she was going to meet her friend. She wasn't answering her phone when i tried to call her. My phone ran out of battery and i was going from phone box to phone box trying to get hold of her. I was angry. When i finally got hold of her we were both drunk and I shouted at her in tears in the street. She left and went back to her friend (i think). I didn't see her until the following day.

 

Last weekend she went to a club with a friend. I also went to the same club with another friend. She was really off with me in there. Afterwards she went to an after party with her friend at some guy's house. She slept with him.

 

She was working at my work last week - i got her a summer job there on reception. I was next to her when she got a text message from a Mark. I didn't know any marks so i stole her phone. She'd been texting this other guy all day. She said it was just banter and that she didn't care for him and it had been a big mistake. She got all her things and left me at home. I live with my parents and they are on holiday at the moment so i'm in a big house on my own. She said she was sorry and "never meant to hurt me".

 

I know she loves me, but i think she loves me cos she cares about me and knows the majority of my friends also hate me now.

 

I've rung her on quite a few occasions. She said she's sad and needs space and wants to be on her own and "is noone's". She also said it feels like i need her and its pushing her away. Its true though i do need her. We've had an amazing 18 months and i know she has a deep love for me. But she doesnt trust me at all.

 

I wrote her a letter yesterday saying "We've both made mistakes now. I've learnt my lesson. We've had so many good memories over the last 18 months, its hurtful to think there won't be any more. Let me know if you want to try and salvage this. I won't contact you again if you don't want me to".

 

Now i'm trying to make her miss me. I'm not calling or texting her. The trouble is she thinks i want her cos i have noone else. Which i suppose is slightly true, i didn't care about my group of friends while i had her. But now my friends wont take me back. So i suppose i do need her like that so i can feel secure again. But much more than that, i love her very dearly, not only because of the security.

 

I texted her saying i wanted to see her. She said she didn't want to see me. So that is why i wrote that letter. Which will arrive on Tuesday at her house.

 

Her mum loves me a lot, who is who Y goes to for all her advice. I've spoken to her mum every day so far. She's so lovely. She told me to write and try and make her miss me. Be concise.

 

I know she's slept with someone else but i can't help but want her back. I miss having her around so much. I'm so angry i've caused this mess.

 

Please, help me work out what way to turn. Thank you all for your time.

 

Daveybee

[lady00]

To be honest your post is a bit too long...I worry that others will not respond because of that. It seems to me that you never got over Liz before you started dating Y...It also seems to me that the best thing for you to do right now is take some time to be single...you haven't been single in a while and that may give you some distance and perspective to be able to understand why you acted the way you did and misled your gf the way you did in order for you to figure out if being with her is really the best thing for you. I think you need to do no contact and try to gain some perspective/distance from the whole situation. It's confusing to me, so I can only imagine it's very confusing to you as you are the one living it! Maybe some time off to yourself to think and clear your head is what you need?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Do you miss her or do you miss being in a relationship?

Do you really love her?

Give her some space as she requested.