Is this as bad as that?please help

[uncomfortably numb]

Hey gang,first post.

I need to know if cheating is as bad as drug abuse?Here's the story.

I was with this woman for 7 years when I became addicted to pain killers.(doctor over prescribed)

We had lots of fights about it.I spent LOTS of money on it.I was on this rollercoaster for almost 3 years when I got the real help I needed to beat it.

I was clean for 6 weeks when I found out she was talking to an ex-bf in prison and sending him money.I moved out of the house and she continued to see/talk to him.We've been apart for almost 5 months now and I think she wants to be back with me.While we were apart she did some things that hurt me deeply.She has been with 2 men that I know of since we separated.

She DID deal with my addiction for quite some time.I feel I may owe her another chance for this alone.

So I want to know what you all think.Is drug abuse as bad or worse than cheating?

 

Thanks for any and all help,I really need it.

[ElektraHere]

First off you owe her NOTHING. If you owe anyone it is to yourself.

 

I think comparing drug abuse to cheating is a moot point. Perhaps you should focus on staying sober and not go back into a circle of destruction and dysfunction you had while with her.

[uncomfortably numb]

Yes,you're right.It really does'nt matter.It is all a question of what I can swallow.

To me,this is pretty bad stuff.Then I think"you don't know what other couples have been through".It would'nt be so hard if I were'nt thinking of my two beautiful daughters.THEY are worth me "swallowing" my pride.I guess I'll go on living as I have been and see how she acts.

Thanks for your help Elektra.

[ElektraHere]

If everyone said that "their situation" is alot different don't you think there would be no need for forums like this or the whole therapy community?

 

We have to be able to step outside of the relationship and look at it rationally. You were with someone. You became addicted to pain killers. Your significant other started contacting other people. You faught alot. You separated. You got sober she slept around while you two were no longer together. You have 2 children with her.

 

Ok now if you want the 2 children to grow up and see functional and healthy relationships, wouldnt it be good if they werent exposed to such dysfunction?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In order for this to work, both of you have to sit down and really talk about this. If you have both learned from your mistakes, it could work out in the end. Plenty of couples go through bad times and come out stronger. She probably went through hell during your addiction. She had two relationships during your time apart, obviously rebound. I think if you sat down and really talked to her, you would probably find out that her mind got really messed up going through 3 years of watching you slide downhill with your addiction. Even though you were clean for 6 weeks, the damage to her self esteem etc. was a done deal. She needed to re-build that. Sleeping around is not the wisest choice but people do unwise things when they are hurting. You need to both understand each other and understand where each of you went wrong. There is hope to salvage this but you both have to be prepared to really work at it, maybe go to counselling.

[uncomfortably numb]

Ok,here's an update.

I thought it would be a good idea to take my ex out to a nice dinner and get this worked out.Even if we concluded it was'nt to be,at least get on some common ground for our children's sake.

So we meet up and she want's to stop at a clothes store really quick.I say ok,and we go in.

The whole night she's eluded to how she has no money and she's always broke.

I end up buying her 2 tops and a pair of jeans.

We're off to eat dinner and talk and she get's a call.It's her sister wanting to go out to the club they've been hanging at.

"Ok,that's cool" I say,but we need to talk first.

What started as a nice dinner became drivethru Arby's.As she's eating the food I bought, I'm driving.I start to talk about us and how I would like to work it out if I KNEW for a fact that this part of her life was over.All the running around,bad choices,etc.I tell her she does'nt have to move in with me right away or even give me an answer as I don't want to push anything.All I needed to know was I'm the only man she's seeing.She could not give any straight answers,or comments.So after buying her clothes,and her blowing our planned date for a bar night I walk her to her car.She asks me for some money so she can go out.I must have SUCKER on my forehead.

All she want's is money,and she know's how to get it from me.

I'm nothing to her but an open check book now.I've always been good to her.Always there for her,supporting her every decission.I told her a while back that I did'nt realize just how much she meant to me until I'd lost her.She has used that to get what she want's since then.

 

I don't want to come off like a cheap skate.I would give her a very comfortable life style "if" we were to be together.She know's I would.She just want's to keep me close enough to keep coming back to her.But not so close that I can call her mine.Like the old saying goes.

Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?

 

This woman and my two girls were mu everything.I want us to be like the old us,like a family.

I'm sorry to go off on such a rant,and probably in the wrong forum too.

I just had to get it out.

I could never tell anyone in person how I've let this woman use me for the past months.

Thank's for lending an ear.

[stolenshadow]

I hope you feel better now about how that date with her went.

 

You know?, guilt is a terrible thing, it can affect your decisions so bad that you end up doing the wrong things for you. I guess you feel guilty about how you behaved in the past and that's why you feel she has a right to get away with a poor behaviour towards you.

And it's true we all make mistakes and we all deal with the consequences, but, there has to be a day when you simply accept no amount of "punishment" or effort is going to make your life better, you just have to learn and let go.