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Anniversary meeting with ex. Going crazy. (Over)analysis?


laboheme
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He broke up with me three weeks ago on account of not feeling the same way anymore. Today would have been our two year anniversary, and he wanted to hang out with me, and I agreed. We spent about 5 hours together, just driving around and talking...and it wasn't awkward or anything, we talked about all kinds of things, both mundane and serious...There was a little bit of physical contact, nothing really sexual, but he put his arm around me a few times, we goofed around (like mock wrestling, pinching each other's noses, that kind of stuff), and overall it was a fairly good time. We talked a little bit about what next year is going to bring and agreed that with our loaded class and work schedules, we would not have time to dedicate to each other had we stayed together (the original idea was for us to live together, but that fell through), and that other people can't possibly enter the picture because our lives are simply too busy.

 

He told me that I need to watch a couple of movies that he really likes, and I said that the only movies I watch alone are chick flicks (which is true). He then asked if I would be willing to watch them with him and reminded me that I still owed him a few episodes of a certain TV show (meaning I promised him I'd watch them with him). I then told him that if he doesn't watch Office Space, he's toast, so he put that on the list of things to see as well.

 

Towards the end of the night we had a little sentimental goodbye, he gave me a hug, I put my head on his shoulder, and there were a few little kisses involved. I told him that I don't want him to kiss me if he doesn't mean it, and he said that he knows and kissed me again. I kind of smiled and said that old habits (goodbye kisses) are hard to break, and he replied that I don't need to break them. I know what some people might say here...but he's a very honest, moral guy and just not the kind of person who would use someone to help him through his kissing deprivation stage.

 

During our goodbyes, he said that he wished we could've done more things today that _I_ wanted to do (but I wasn't planning on doing anything in particular, I'd probably end up wanting more than he'd be comfortable giving, so I let him call the shots) and that he hoped hanging out with him today wasn't too hard on me emotionally, and I replied that I was glad to see him and glad that he still cares about me enough to make plans. To that he said, "More than you know," and gave me a long hug. I thanked him for today, he said that I never need to thank him for anything, we agreed to make plans for a campus tour and textbook shopping later, and that was it.

 

So now I'm confused. I had a good time with him and am definitely looking forward to the next time we hang out (I'm going against the whole NC philosophy here, but I love his company, we have fun together, he makes me smile and feel good about myself and life in general, it's important to me to know what's going on in his life, etc.). Am I simply overanalyzing his actions tonight and the fact that he wants to see me again? Or can I take things at face value? And the fact that we both have very busy lives...does that mean that if we make an effort to spend time with each other as friends, things might get better again? (I mean, he was talking about seeing each other on a regular basis after class once school starts, if only for dinner...) And the hugs and kisses? They were short (not making out by any means) but warm and felt real...but I have a hard time believing they were real. Then again, over the course of our relationship, the guy never lied to me, I mean never, so if he said he wouldn't do anything if he didn't mean it, does that mean he meant it?

 

Am I being a complete idiot here? I should probably stop trying to analyze things and follow his advice of "wait and see." But interpretations would be nice...

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Hi there,

 

He wants the perks of having a girlfriend without the committment. He is testing you on how much he can get out of hanging out with you without properly asking you out again. Which generally means he can do what he darn well pleases and he will...mark my words. I fell in the same trap years ago and when he (my ex) showed up at a restaurant I used to work at with some other girl, I was crushed. Your ex stands a great chance of doing the same thing to you.

 

My advice, if you are alright with being with just his buddy (I suspect you are not), then by all means, hang out. But if not, I would cease all contact with him. You deserve way more than he willing to give.

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He wants the perks of having a girlfriend without the committment. He is testing you on how much he can get out of hanging out with you without properly asking you out again.

 

The thing is...how can I expect committment from him when our lives are so hectic? If we had a serious talk about getting back together, I guarantee that we would come to the conclusion that the relationship would leave us unsatisfied because we'd expect a lot but get very little due to having so little time for each other (or anything else for that matter). Plus, he's not getting that many perks anyway...I mean, unlike me, he's perfectly fine watching movies alone (he oftentimes did even when we were dating), so he doesn't need me there...Textbook shopping would be more of a perk to me than to him (he'll carry my books, lol)...and as far as any kind of physical thing, a short kiss is hardly a perk, and I know him well enough to say that he wouldn't want to get more than that from me or from anybody else without actual relationship status.

 

The whole committment issue is so tricky...Other people are out of the question, I know that much for sure, so it's not a matter of committing to a single person, it's a matter of giving that person the time they want. I can't give him an "all or nothing" ultimatum -- he's not one to make a promise that he can't keep, so he'll opt for nothing, even if it's painful for him to do. But it's not fair to do that to him, especially because right now the most I myself could promise is a couple of hours a week. So maybe we're back to "casual dating"? I mean, did today seem like a sort of a date? It was certainly different from a day with a male friend (I wouldn't spend that much time alone with any male friend of mine in the first place)...

 

Plus, if he's looking to do what he wants, why does he want me to call the shots -- and get visibly upset if I don't?

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Hey there,

 

There are many assumptions going on here. Ask him what he wants. Why did he break up with you? If you both have time to hang out, watch movies, go shopping, do a little petting, you have time to be a couple. It is not necessarily the QUANTITY of time you spend together, it is the QUALITY.

 

As far as him letting you call the shots, it just seems that he has a hold on you, he still wants to be part of your life of some sort without the committment. What is that you want out of the whole situation.?Like if you had one wish, what would it be? And whatever the wish may be, can he give you what?

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I fell in the same trap years ago and when he (my ex) showed up at a restaurant I used to work at with some other girl, I was crushed.

 

OMG, the pain you must have felt...what a jerk!

 

This is a problem I have too, I'm allowing my ex to turn me into "FWB." On the one hand, it makes me a little sad because I would like to have a committment again, and have the right to ask the uncomfortbale questions and expect exclusivity. Strangely, the thought of him sleeping with another girl doesn't bother me as much as the thought of him actually sleeping next to another girl does.

 

On the other hand, I like being able to ease him out of my life slowly...

letting go of him slowly has given me more time to have develop friendships that will take his place, while I still have him in my life. I've never preferred to yank the band-aid off quickly, it always hurt more than peeling it off slowly. It's almost like I'm an old computer with a slow processor, I need time to wrap my head around the fact. But then again, maybe I'm just fooling myself?

 

 

 

Aaargh, I really don't know what to do. All I do know is that it hurts!

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Maybe it is just my pride or stubborness but I do not want to have anything to do with ex's whom dumped me. Bah! Especially if the guy told me he does not love me anymore. How humiliating.

 

Ladies, you deserve more than scraps. That is what your ex's are giving you....scraps or crumbs. You derserve the WHOLE pie. Why are you settling for less? Don't you think you deserve more? Life is too short to be wasting time on people whom do not want to be with you truly and wholeheartedly.

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