Deeply in love with a straight guy

[Rizby]

Was wondering if any of you out there has experienced the impossible sensation of falling in love with someone completely inaccessible. I've been madly in love with this straight guy from work for many months. I have constant fantasies about him and flirt outrageously in the office to the extent of being touchy. I'm not out to him so he's either clueless, or is simply pretending to not notice.

 

Thing is I think he's giving some sort of vibe. I mean I pick up on these things unconsciously - maybe he's gay and does not even know it. I mean even after all the flirting sessions I've had with him - he's sorta open to coming over to my apartment to cook me one of his "special" meals. I mean what sane, straight guy would encourage a one on one interaction with a possibly infatuated gay guy at his apartment?? He's even asked me again when I'm free so he could come over. I'm not sure whether it's just gross naivete or maybe he's hinting at something.

 

I was particularly suspicious when he asked me "So when can I come over to your place?" right after I had flirted with him rather openly referring to him as a strong, healthy, robust young man (he had been ill a lot lately so I had said strong, healthy, robust young men such as yourself don't get sick easily...). I mean when he said that juxtaposed right after my flirt - that got me thinking...or am I just reading too much into this??

[rose2summer]

Is it clear that you are gay to him? Maybe he just thinks that you are nice friendly guy and not gay. I would try to make it obvious so then you know where you stand with him with regards to him coming to cook one of his special meals.

[Tigris]

There's an easy way to find out, ask him to your place and see where it goes from there.

 

Good luck

[jaiva]

Yeah I agree with Tigris invite him over and then see where it goes. Just be yourself and continue hitting on him the way you have been. If he ever feels uncomfortable he should be man enough to say it. However I'd becareful about hitting on him too much because of that whole sexual harassment clause at work.

 

Hope I helped.

 

Jaiva

[FoxLocke]

I think he already suspects, and the fact that he is offering to cook you dinner is...well...sort of gay.

 

My only thing is to keep him at a distance, emotionally. I know about this. I fell for a "straight"(in fact, I wrote about it here) guy. We ended up French kissing, and suddenly he wants to be straight again...Even though he is quite obviously gay, gay, gay...

 

So, me personally, I won't date any guy who isn't sure about his orientation.

 

However, maybe your interest might want to find out if he is gay. If so good luck!

[Imaginary]

Have him over at your place, but don't hold your breath, he might just be overly friendly or something. (and totally clueless)

[Jinx]

Was wondering if any of you out there has experienced the impossible sensation of falling in love with someone completely inaccessible.

 

Been there, done that. Wish I had the postcard and T-Shirt.

 

Back to the post at hand, it sounds much similar to a female friend of mine whom I found out is Bisexual. Early on, we would engage in the whole thing, flirting, being close, going back and forth from being touchy to being "don't dare touch me" kind of attitude. Yet she insisted she was straight and I eventually thought I was off again.

 

We were always going together, talking to each other, we might as well of been a pair. Up to something, I actually at one point had a person prode at the notion that we were a couple but wasn't so. I eventually came out to her and as time progressed and met a woman who is now my girlfriend, she came out to me as Bisexual. Not sure if it was a last minute attempt to "catch" me before she felt I was too attached to my girlfriend or just thought of it as a "Just FYI..." situation.

 

It is rather a hard thing to tell, especially if they're not open and honest with you and themself. Like my friend, she was in such a torn situation between whether to come out or be "perfect". With her, maybe in telling me she can finally be honest with herself and others, but I truly doubt she'd ever tell her family as she is well aware of being disowned by them. To the point of relation here, it all depends on the person themself.

 

Often you cannot get away with flirting outwardly with someone and they don't have a clue. I have learned some can act rather dull, but are well aware of what is going on. Its even more obviously when you get into the innuendo type of flirting which just in my case doesn't happen that openly or often with two completely straight individuals, it does but when one is gay and interested it has a different kind of method to the madness.

 

I would say, he sounds interested, but he too may be gay and feeling you out or this may just be friendly behavior for him. It is hard to tell, I've had people offer to do such things and if I could cook and not kill my guests I probably would offer, too.

 

I think you may consider going out with him more if that interested. Maybe not to the apartment if it isn't a case of him being naive. Going somewhere on a date-but-not-date scenario may encourage open behavior for how he acts in public when on a "date" with you. See how stagnant or changing his behavior becomes throughout the day or night. This would also give you a chance to read his body language - touch, looks (particularly eye contact and length), sitting proximity as it applies, conversation and relative meanings and usage. While it may seem like overanalysis at first, eventually certain things will stick out that just seem out of place for a platonic relationship.

 

For me it seems even easier to spot in men because society has certain rules and regulations if you may that straight men seem to subconsciously and consciously adhere too. Even the most masculine gay men make some oopsies along the way for lack of better phrasing which gives them away.

 

I'd just say casual outtings, get to know him well instead of jumping into feet first "Come on over" type of situations as those can be extremely awkward or lead into something you may not want at that moment. He may also be confused and public is much better than private to feel out how open he is, or is not. Becoming good friends I'd think would be step One. Finding if he is gay would be a gradual Step Two.

[savannahohsavannah]

I've had strong feelings for those who do not return them and I can see that they never will. I think it's hard to work through, but do it. Find all the dudes flaws and then think of how AWFUL he is for a while. It typically works for me!

Savannah

[Rizby]

I just realized another thing this dude of mine at the office did (I'll just refer to him as "AE" from now on) that was...well kind of gayish really.

 

See, I'm his boss actually and yes I realize how inappropriate and taboo-ish it is to encourage feelings for one's subordinates, but this had really hit me like a brick wall and I couldn't help but spiral into some sort of deep emotional abyss - never had such strong feelings for as "straight" guy before.

 

Anyway, he'd done something I wasn't crazy about workwise in the office and it being a late Friday afternoon - I went a bit ballastic. His expression I thought should have registered the classic straight guy belligrant reactive anger look but what he displayed was akin more to a deep hurt - one you'd expect to see on a lover's face when you tell him something he doesn't like to hear. I continued on my rant and as a crescendo I summed it up: "AE, you take my leniency for granted...you take advantage of me!" He stood up, blurted: 'Whatever!" and stormed into the men's room with a really * * * * * expression on his face (no pun intended here).

 

I heard the men's room door slam and he was in there for 2 mins before I dared venture in. What I saw next BLEW my mind away. He was doubled up over the sink WEEPING. His shoulders wracked with uncontrallable sobs and I was so dumbfounded that I was speechless for a minute. Finally I mustered enough courage and uttered "What's wrong, why are you crying?" He moved away from the sink and went to the corner and resumed his crying. I went over to him, held his hand and repeated my question. He didn't answer, then went to the window, turning his back on me. His sobs grew louder. I panicked, thinking if someone enters now they're gonna suspect that I'm abusive or what! Finally he moved towards the sink again, tears streaming down his face but the sobs subsiding. As he washed his face in the sink, I began to explain why I reprimanded him as I did....he started crying AGAIN! It was unstoppable. I almost wrung my hands in agony!

 

It was a good 10 mins before we both ventured out. Him, red-eyed and all. I couldn't think for the next 20 mins or so. DO STRAIGHT GUYS REACT LIKE THIS TO A BOSS's SCOLDING?? Most would have punched me or scowled at me or uttered a swear word. He's touchy with this other guy in the office and that gets me jealous....I look at it as usual straight guy to straight guy cajoling...but who knows it could be his gay side coming out.

[Tigris]

I've never heard of a guy reacting like that before? I think he's in love with you!

 

The sooner you ask him around to your place the better.

[Rizby]

After he had that crying fit I felt so awful that I somehow felt I had to mollify it. So I emailed him a long-winded letter explaining myself.

 

I guess in between the lines I was trying to tell him something...to try and let my feelings effuse but without being too apparent...how does it sound? If he could get the message he'd now what I was trying to say right??

 

 

"Dear Ahmad,

 

my mind is still reeling from your reaction elicited by my diatribe Friday

afternoon. I never imagined a routine reprimand would unfurl such raw

emotion. As a person generally unaccustomed to dealing with an individual in

this kind of distress, I know I probably came accross as harsh and distant.

You must understand that I do not recreationally berate nor chastise my

staff on trivial minor misdemeanors, and that above all I value the notion of

fairness and objectivity in guiding my subordinates to the best of my

ability.

 

Please bear in mind however, that I am still learning the ropes here myself

and being thrust into a insurmountable task of overseeing fourteen

individuals innocuously infringes on my better judgement. Contrary your

perception, I DO value your contribution, hard work, and diligence to the

team and think you are a wonderful asset to the centre. If my treatment of

you with regards to others seems prejudiced and unjust, it is because I

believe so much in you, and that you have the ability to really excel whilst

others with so many years under their belt are already quite set in the way

they do things. You are after all still young and very much open to

constructive criticism. Needless to say I truly appreciate all the help that

you've readily given me, both professionally as a member of the team and

also personally (ie sending me all the way back to Ampang that evening -

I'll always remember that and how obliging you've always been). Your easy

going nature and quick smile has always been refreshing for the generale

morale of the centre, so you can imagine my shock when you convulsed in such

hurt and grief.

 

If in due process of my trying in earnest to achieve my goals you have

inadvertently been wronged and offended, let me extend the deepest apologies

from my heart - it was never my intent to emotionally maim nor aggrieve your

sensibilities with my words. I do acknowledge that my style of reprimand

that afternoon was completely out of line in the context of the issues at

hand and I hope that in future I will be able to guide my staff more

moderately and with a more reasonable approach. Please understand that I

have my own stresses and demons to battle with but yes I know, I do want to

develop but of course not at your expense.

 

Having said that, let's have no more tears flow as to see you cry like that

- made me feel one kind and something I think I'll never forget as generally

I don't perceive myself as one who inflicts such pain on others. Surely,

there must have been another co-catalyst to your outburst, some other

concurrent personal trauma and not my beratement alone. Whatever it is,

let's put all this behind us and move forward and we'll work together to

improve our respective weaknesses."

RF

[AwdreeHpburn]

Rizby - this story has me totally and genuinely enthralled. Please post back about his response to your e-mail.

 

Also, maybe a get together at your place is in order if for nothing else than to smooth all that over.

 

If he's not gay, he may just want to dine you because you are his boss, so keep that in mind. I agree with Foxlocke in that you shouldn't invest too much emotionally - but nothing wrong with finding out as much as you can, right?

 

Are you the one who hired him?

[Tigris]

I believe that once he gets to know you outside of work he'll open up to you, but it will all take time. Just take things slowly. Make sure he understands that your private and working lives are kept separate and are to remain so.

 

Good luck.

[Rizby]

I remember once, much earlier on before I began to fell for him we went to a colleague's place after work for a get together and I was driving. We started talking and of course little personal snippets started coming out. I had asked him about where he lived,etc. etc. and he had told me that he had many housemates some of them still college students (he was then 26 now 27).

 

He said he wasn't particular about housemates and that he can room with anybody - he even said once he had a gay housemate! Now from where I come that's very unusual for a straight guy to want to room with a gay guy for obvious reasons. Even in more liberal societies, I imagine this is rare. You see straight women living with gay men, but not straight men and gay men together.

 

I had cheekily joked.."So did he have the hots for you?" This guy 'AE' is very handsome and sexy so it will not have been surprising if this gay roomate had made passes at him.

 

He laughed and added "...well he knows I'm straight" So there was something then. I just wonder if there had been any experimentation going on and maybe AE is bisexual but prefers to come out to only very select ppl. For me, it had but piqued my interest....

[Rizby]

Ta Ree - I'm glad you find my story interesting - but it has me pulling my hair out

 

Here's his response...written I'm afraid in broken English as it is not his mother tongue. But it is the manner in which it is written that pulls at my heart in its simplicity, humbleness and innocence that belies his 27 yrs. It this quality about him that I find tragically intriguing and so fatally attracted to.

 

I've also enclosed a poem about him (posted it in my blogsite) - it's a cathartic way to deal with my unrequited emotions. I hope all of you reading it will like it....

 

His response:

 

"Dear rizal,

>

>Sorry if I make you feel bad about me. Actually there is nothing to worry about me. Like I said, I'm okey with it. No hard feeling. Let bygone be bygone. Maybe my feeling quite sensitive but I can deal with it. SO...Dot feel bad about me ok..we can still be as what we used to be..."

 

The Poem:

 

 

A Letter Unrevealed

 

Try as I might, but to deny the maelstrom of emotions I cannot,

The love of which eludes me I covet;

To be but sated solely by the soulfelness of your gaze,

To but whither in my forbidden world, cornered in daze.

 

Your laughter to me is a serenade in song,

Your happy countenance the glimmer of a radiant rainbow;

This misery, this abyss of hollowness to me prolong,

I but unclosed my eyes and see greenery in a meadow.

 

A verdant greenery of which, I know is not mine to own,

The key to your heart is of a shape unknown;

Unknown to me but the birthright of its rightful proprietor,

The one to whom you belong, who in her ways condemns me a sufferer.

 

A doomed sufferer, I agonize, my tears coming undone,

Your tears my love, are my teardrops as well;

Your sobs are my heaving sorrows, a sonorous bell,

Time will blow away the sands of a broken heart, and my own emotions I will ultimately outrun....

 

- R. (July 2006)

 

A bit lovelorn but it helps us and those that suffer so in so much silence....