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confused and overwhelmed about my own rock


ally87
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Hi guys...

 

This is one of my first posts, and it's a bit long too!

 

I'm 19 and my bf's 20. We've been together for one and a half year. We love each other very much, as almost all couples do after staying in the same relationship for over a year.

 

Right now I'm a bit confused and overwhelmed about my feelings for him and about the situation we're in. i feel like i've hit a rock... not one of those small ones that most relationships encounter. it's bigger and certainly powerful... and i don't even think that my bf has even realized or noticed that we've hit one. i guess this is more of my own personal rock...

 

i'll just type a list of what's bothering me in my relationship to give a quick highlight of my confusion and feelings...

 

- his ex. the one he were with before he and i got together. i find myself comparing myself to her. and to be honest, i'm nothing compared to her! she won a local beauty contest last year, graduated from a prestigious school, and recently got her driver's license! i'm still in my last year of high school (had to retake a year because i felt like i chose the wrong course), and i'm even afraid of even trying to drive! his ex is pretty, she has this glow of self-esteem. I don't think i'm ugly but i'm still comparing myself to her.

 

they're more compatible. they're both the type of persons who like challenges and trying new things. and they're both outgoing and social. i'm not saying i'm not outgoing at all, it's just that she has THAT and all of the above... my bf wants us to go snowboarding but i'm trying to find excuses to not go!

 

he's told me that he likes that i'm more calm and humble unlike his ex. and that this quality about me balances out our relationship. i don't know....

 

... i just can't get his ex out of my head!!!

 

and to top it all, i'm still thinking about the negative stuff that occurred in our first 9 months together... well, i found a postcard from his ex from when they were together that hung on the wall, and lots of pictures of her on his laptop. and he still had 3 pictures of her and ONLY her in his card case... i even found out that he still had her name as his password on his Friendster account. i got really frustrated and hurt, but i confronted him and he told me that he forgot about those stuff and he immedietly removed them. i didn't mention the password or else he would've known that i snooped on his e-mail account(which i know the password to). but it really hurt that he had her name as password even though we were together for almost 10 months at that time...

 

i feel like he lost a treasure... the reason to why they broke up was because she wasn't inlove with him anymore and cheated. but i just think it's odd that he forgave her almost right away. i don't really know if he's really over her. they were together for only 10 months. he and i got together only 4- 5 months after they broke up... i find it hard to believe that he was completely over her by that time...

 

- i just can't get this another old incident out of my head.. after 6 months into the relationship we were at a party and he was really dancing close with a girl-friend of his. just imagine your bf dancing close to another girl to * * * * *cat Dolls "Don't Cha".... I honestly relate dancing to sex. That's just the way I view it. I also remember him dancing with me first and then when he saw her he turned his back and started dancing with her. and i stood there like a total moron while my bf were dancing to a petite blonde bimbo (sorry! just letting out my frustration). i was humiliated. but i did confront him later that night. at first he told me he was drunk (not an excuse at all!)... and then he changed his excuse to "i did it because something took control and i started acting like my ex (the girl mentioned above apparently has an 'i-don't-care' attitude)" ( * * *??!!).. and then ta-daaa, and his third excuse... "but all of my guy-friends dance with other girls other than their girlfriend".. i got so mad that i actually called him a *uck-head and slammed the phone... but somehow i did forgive him, and now he's telling me that he's stopped dancing with other girls at parties...

 

- yesterday i found out that he was at a club with a girl-friend and his ex mentioned above(!!!). i saw that he had a club stamp on his wrist, i met his girl-friend which is my bestfriend's sister who also had the same stamp on her wrist... anyway, he didn't try to hide it or anything. i just looked at his wrist and said: "oh, you were out last night?" bf yeah, did it spontanously after work. my girl-friend called me" i got hurt, actually, because recently when i've asked him to go out with me and my friends or go to a party he says no, that he's too tired and bla-bla-bla. i confronted him and he told me that we always fight when we're at parties and he wants to avoid that. he's kind of right. we always somehow fight or start discussing at parties. for instance, the last time we went out, i found out that he started smoking. i saw him with a sigarette between his fingers and then he said haven't told you but i've started smoking". i got really hurt and we started fighting. my friends apparently knew this but they didn't mention it to me because they thought i already knew. i got hurt because i was the last one to know about this...!

 

his excuse was that it was hard for him to tell me because he cares a lot about me.... (!!???) horsesh*T!

 

but we've agreed on trying to go out again without starting a fight.

 

- he sometimes says that he'll call me later or at a spesific time, but he doesn't. sometimes he calls me later than promised or come up with an excuse that he was tired, bla-bla-bla. i don't know about you guys, but i feel like trusting him less and less when he doesn't keep his promises even though they're very small...???? he often brings up ideas and plans about buying this for me, taking me out there, doing this and that (e.g. save money for a new cellphone), but he never does what he says...

 

- i'm moving next year to canada to study for 3 years, and eventually move abroad for good. i've told him my plans and he thinks it's exciting, and that he also wants to move aborad because of bigger opportunites. and that he wants us to move abroad and live together after i graduate. he'll stay in this country for atleast 2 more years. i don't know if he's really seriously considering moving abroad because i also have a feeling that something may come up and he won't be able to move abroad with me. anyway, we're going to have a long distance relationship, but i'm unsure if it'll work because of my jealousy and because i worry too much. but i really feel that we're on the same path in life (we want the same, same values and goals etc.) but in different tempoes. i'm so afraid that we might lose each other on our way.

 

and to be honest. i don't trust him 100%. he's a really incredible guy. his friends (which are also my friends too) say he's a true friend. i know him well, and it seems we belong together despite our negative epsiodes. we fullfill each other in every way. but the past is kind of haunting me and making me trust him less.

 

- i'm so afraid of losing him because he's the best thing that has ever happened to me! i've learned so much from him and about relationships. and believe or not, i've learned a lot about myself too we're young, i know. we still have 10 more years to explore. he's my 2nd serious bf, and i've experienced a little with different guys (sexually and mentally) even though it wasn't that serious. but i still question my bf. i'm wondering if he really wants to be with me. we almost broke up a couple of months ago when he got confused about what he really wanted. to be single or committed. we had a 2 weeks long break. after those 2 weeks he "tricked" me into his house (he made his mother lie to me, saying that he wasn't home) and then he told me he couldn't do it anymore. that in those 2 weeks with partying and hanging out with his friends he realized that he wanted me and not the singlelife... i wonder if he still means it...

 

but now i've realized that i can't give him what he wants... i've seen him lately happy with his friends, spending the night at their place and going out. and i'm wondering if it's best to break up so that he can explore more. i feel like i'm stopping him from living the "real guy life" even though he hasn't said or done anything dramatic to signal that he wants to explore more. i don't know... i feel he's missing out on a lot... i'm mostly going to work a lot to save money for my abroad studies... and my parents are a bit strict when it comes to spending the night at friends. they're catholic and they don't want me to spend a night with my boyfriend because i might get pregnant (!!!) i don't really have a close and open relationship with them because i know how they'll react on different things.. my bf often asks me if i can come and spend the night over with him at his friend's house or just hang out in the middle of the night.... but i can't because i'm in my last year of high school and i have a lot of assignments and homework, and i usually work in the weekends, early in the morning. i've rejected him a lot lately, and he's stopped asking me. i feel like i can't be the free girl i think he wants me to be. and i'm also moving next year..

 

i really want him to be happy. i love him so much...

 

... but breaking up with him has crossed my mind a lot....

 

There's more to tell about my situation but i'm too tired and confused to type more..

 

Any thoughts, ideas or advice are higly appreciated! i'm sorry for the looong post and for my spelling mistakes... i have a cramp...

 

-ally-

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My honest opinion (I bet it felt good to get all that out!) is that you have two main problems regarding this relationship.

 

No. 1 - He is still in love with his ex. If he really wanted to move on etc, he wouldn't talk about her beyond "in passing" in front of you in such a complimentary manner, he wouldn't still have had photos, he wouldn't have gone clubbing.... HOWEVER, I think he really cares for you too. Many people, I think, love two people at once. I'm one of them, although I'm just about over an ex from last year, I still cried because I missed him a few weeks ago...and my boyfriend was there to comfort me. Is that weird? Maybe..but not really. When someone means the world to us, we miss them for a long time.

 

What you have to ascertain is whether or not his head is still with her more than with the relationship he has with you...and whether or not they would, realistically, get back together.

 

No. 2 - Personality clashes! This can make a relationship work well sometimes but it can also present some problems. From this post, I interpret you as being sweet, friendly, studious and more introverted than your boyfriend, who comes over as a bit of a party animal, an extrovert, more spontaeneous and a little less considerate/thinking of the consequences of his actions.

 

One is not necessarily better than the other, but the issue here is....as neither of you are likely to change your personality types, will you be able to put up with the differences?

 

He also seems a bit of a commitment phobe - breaking up for 2 weeks to sample the single life...HMM, surely he KNEW what that was like? When you go abroad, it seems unlikely he'd be capable of holding down a faithful longdistance relationship.

 

Other "Red Flags" include getting his mother to lie for him to trick you to coming into his home, and the rowing at parties. Healthy relationships don't mean you row at parties any more than very, very rarely.

Good Luck

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I don't know... He's put the postcard away and deleted the pictures of her (i've scanned his laptop... sneaky, i know.. But i still found those 3 pictures of her tucked away in his drawer.. Along with the postcard it just seems as if he's just trying to "hide" the postcard, not put it away and forget it. Including the pictures. He can easily open the drawer and pull those stuff out..! I found out about this last week when his mom told me to try to find a couple of candles in his room... (i was alone at home with his mom, while he was at work.)

 

When i found out that my former serious bf cheated on me, I collected all of his stuff, ripped them up and threw them in the garbage where they belong. i also changed my password.

 

I brought this up during a conversation with my boyfriend. That i'm hurt because of the stuff i saw and found in his room. He said that he really didn't notice those things because he's barely at home, that they don't mean anything to him anymore. And that right after their breakup, he couldn't put the stuff away- a way for him to grieve, he told me. but still.... we were together for 10 months before he eventually put those stuff away and changed his password....

 

Weirdly, i know deep in my heart that his head is more with me and the relationship than with her, he really cares about me. i know it, and i can see it in his eyes and in his actions. but finding those stuff still bothers me. i may be selfish but i really want his head to be TOTALLY with me. i can't accept if a part of him- small or big part of him- is still with her. i can't handle that. i want a partner totally focused on our relationship. i can't stand it if his thoughts wander to his ex.

 

as i've understood about the relationship with his ex, he was really inlove with her and had plans set out for both of them, but then she cheated, and it all went downhill. i honestly don't know the real reason to why they broke up. yes, i'm paranoid, but i think there's a lot behind their break-up. I feel that since i don't know the whole story, i can't have peace and forget about her.

 

i'm so suspiscious but it's because i don't 100& trust him. i don't know if i'm being unfair to him, or just simply jealous/paranoid, but i'm so sick of worrying about his ex. he doesn't talk about her anymore (he used to talk about how much she hurt him while he and i weren't dating), he knows that it's a sensitive subject...

 

BUT...

 

i just sense something's up in his actions... Actions is stronger than words. the way he has put away the postcard and pictures.

 

But maybe my "sensing" is controlled by my own fear of losing him to her, my jealousy, my lack of self-esteem.. i don't know.. i'm just confused right now..

 

Yeah, he's an extrovert. but his friends and i have noticed that he's become more introvert. he doesn't go to parties as much as he used to. he's more at home with me or his mom(she's going through a seperation with his stepfather)i feel that i'm kind of hindering him of doing the stuff he used to do... i'm not doing in on purpose, because i've never told him to stop partying and stop going out with his friends. he's reduced his extrovertness without me trying to make him do that.

 

i really can't put up the differences between me and him, but i never saw that as a problem, because he's more likely to change to adjust himself to me... but it's not healthy for him... it's like keeping a lion inside...! or something like that. he may be less of a party-animal now, but what happens if we get married? his urge of exploring and partying will eventually burst out one day...

 

and i'm so afraid of that....

 

Thanks for your thoughts!

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Is a relationship causing you this much doubt, angst and suspicion worth it...I guess that's what it all comes down to?

 

That's what i'm trying to find out... Because i don't know if all this doubt, angst and suspicion causing me is caused by myself... Am i being reasonable if i break up? Am I being fair to him?

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Some men fade out of your life like a summer tan, and this sounds an awful lot like what he's trying to do. I didn't really get the question, because you mentioned you were thinking about breaking it off and moving to a foreign country for more life experiences, and you were hoping he might tag along. It sounds like he's completely into INDECISION. He's not doing anything, except maybe testing the waters without you.

Do you want him to stay with you, or do you want him to go? I think that would be a great thing to decide before you do anything else.

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