mid-life crisis

[rodeo-rider]

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[coollady1957]

Hello, I am not a guy but thought I would reply anyway. It does sound possible that your husband is going through a midlife crisis. What has he said to you in response to your suggesting counseling for him?

Do you have any clue of specifics as to why he seems so unhappy with things right now?

[RayKay]

Hey rodeo-rider,

 

Welcome to enot...for your first on-line forum, you picked a good one

 

It sounds like there has been a lot of major stress in the past few years, that accident I am sure did more than made you have to "change your lifestyle", it also sunk in a few realities as well about how quickly life can change. I am sure he also has a lot of guilt for what happened, even if you have forgiven him...he may not have forgiven himself.

 

I am sure those words crushed you, but there is also a very good chance they are not so much saying "I am sick of YOU" but "I am so sick of the stress of all that is going on, and this marriage is the easiest thing to blame right now".

 

It sounds like he is suffering from at least acute, if not chronic, depression due to the stress, job change and this is just a hint from his reaction to you the other day, and his disinterest in the hobbies he previously loved.

 

Aside from this, are there other issues in this relationship or his life that are a concern for him or you and may be affecting your bond?

 

I do think counselling for HIM is a good idea at least, as suicide/depression are NOT things to mess around with and sometimes you need to step in and say "I need to make sure you get some help". Because sometimes those whom are depressed, will be very resistant to going and admitting they need to. Let him know he is NOT a disappointment because he seeks help!

[DN]

Did hegive his reasons why he was sick of being married to you? Did he say it was because of the accident or is that you assuming?

[assumeLove]

Tell him a list of everything you respect about him. Leave out anything that starts with but or except. It works wonders with guys in middle aged crisis.

 

Also, if he's interested, you might send him to link removed of when my life was so stressed that I foolishly thought divorce would make it better.

[hardcharger]

rodeo-rider you are really not giving us much info. He said he is sick of being married to you after 19 yrs, then he says he can't live w/o you, that's pretty much all we know. I wouldn't put much in those words, after 19 yrs of marriage who wouldn't want a change(I know there are a few out there). Actually, I consider myself happy in my marriage, however at times it is pure emotional hell, and it would not be uncommon for my wife to say terrible nasty things to me and me to say some things back. hopefully those emotional peaks wear off, you make up and move forward with your life. A 19 yr marriage is such a precious commodity and you are right in trying to take steps now to prevent it from crumbling further. For me, as a 47 yr old man(20yr marriage), my regular, good sex life with my wife makes up for alot.(she is two years older than me). She totally still lights my fire in the bedroom. If I didn't have that, this would be very very hard for me. Kids are anothe matter, if you have kids, there is a whole nother layer of responsibility on your shoulders to do what you can to maintain the marriage and home.

[hardcharger]

rodeo-rider are you trying to say that you are on the edge of separation leading to divorce?. You are telling us about your life, and some little typical problems, but I really can't figure out what the big problems are.

[DN]

I understand that you were upset about the accident and blame him for that - but there is also a general tone when you talk about your husband that you don't like him very much nor do you respect him. There's also no sense of love or affection.

 

If this is true I wonder if this is also coming accross to him in the same way.

[DN]

Well, if he is going through a midlife-crisis that is a debilitating and depressing state of mind in which he finds himself. He is psychologically 'wounded' right now, and that is not dissimilar to someone who has, say, suffered a heart attack or some other serious illness. If he had suffered a physical illness would you likely be saying:

It's just I am now not sure should I act tough, strong, indifferent to his pouting, mumbling and "poor me" attitude? I am sick of his pity-party.

or would you be more sympathetic and willing to work with him in a positive way to get well?

 

This website may help you.

link removed

 

Not to unnecessarily alarm you but this quote from the article may be important:

make no mistake, this is serious – 80% of suicides are men and the rate at midlife is three times higher

 

[hardcharger]

Anyone with some experience with the "midlife" stuff, how to get through it, how to help my man feel young and vital

 

i'm experienced, 24/7 I deal with mid-life stuff. hope he didn't gain too much weight, when he was in good shape before, that could ruin alot for your type of guy. how to help man feel young - for me good(passionate and slow) sex always seems to be an answer! never tire of that.

[hardcharger]

I do my best to "accommodate

 

that's a good girl! No doubt with a little age, men esp need more and regular sex than women, if more wives took the time, just 5-15 min.'s 2-3x week with just a little variation here and there, What a Wonderful World This Would Be. Most gals just don't get how important that is to us and think they can get away with a few x/mo or less. NOT!

[DN]

The article was written by Susan Rand.