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This is my previous thread


She called me yesterday while I was hiking with friends. She left a message telling me that she knew she was not supposed to call me but she wanted to talk to me about our mutual gym membership.


It has been almost two weeks NC and I have been struggling with the ups and downs. I dreamt the other night that we were together again and I woke up missing her so much. These past few weeks have gone by in a haze of sadness, confusion, and questions.


I debated about calling her back all day. I had friends staying with me out of town which was a good distraction. When they left about 9:00, I sat there with the phone in my hand waiting to call her.


While holding the phone, it rang, it was her calling me again. I decided to answer. The conversation started out pleasant, we talked a little small talk and then talked about the gym membership.


She told me that she heard from a mutual friend that I took a new position and congratulated me on that and told me she was happy for me. By the way, this new position will put me a lot closer to her physically, we were LDR for the past 6 months.


I couldn't help myself, I knew I shouldn't, but I had to ask. "So, are you still dating that same guy?" She asked me why I wanted to know, it doesn't matter and I am just torturing myself. I told her I did not want any details,I just wanted to know if she was still dating him. She said "Yes, I am still seeing him."


She then changed the subject, wisely, and we talked some more small talk. I told her it was funny that she called me because earlier that AM, I was organing my emails and I accidentally (truthfully) came accross some old emails that she had written me. She asked me what they were about and I brushed it off. She kept pushing, so I read a few to her. She told me, "wow I sounded like such a nice and loving person back then." (One of my problems with her was her moodiness, which I now think I had a part in due to my emotional distance). Anyway, I heard her get teary eyed as I was reading the emails and then we talked about our relationship and why it failed and relived some good times and some bad ones.


I didnt mean for it to happen, but in the conversation I took the role of the optimist and the defender of our love and she took the role of the "yeah, but" person. She would cite a reason why we weren't right for each other and I would come back with why I thought the problem existed and how it could be resolved. I know we have played those roles before.


She kept telling me how much she valued me as a wonderful person, but we just weren't right for each other in a romantic sense, and she wanted me as a friend. She practically pleaded for me to resume being her friend and how much she missed talking to me. I told her that I couldnt do it, I was still attracted to her and had feelings for her and I could not be just her friend. She kept asking me if that meant forever, if when I found someone else, then could we be friends, I told her I dont know. She said we have a lot of mutual friends and we would run into each other. All I could say is I dont know. She asked if she should refrain from calling me, and I told her yes. I told her I erased her from my phone and she seemed genuinely shocked. She made a joke to me being so dramatic at one point, not in a mean way though.



We finally said good-bye and that was that.


Now I am even more mixed up. I think there is some hope there, but I hate to have to try to convince her to be with me, I just want her to be with me because she loves me. I am moving in 3 weeks and I am deciding on where to move, the original plan was to move in with her, before she told me that she was dating someone else.


I worked through this scenario in my head, and I know it sounds crazy, but I cant stop thinking about it. I would call her up and tell her that if she wants to be my friend then she can help me apartment hunt this weekend. I think that if we spend time together again, she will fall back in love with me. This happened once before to us. We separated, then hung out as friends, then got back together. Things were much better, but then I moved and we had a LDR and that was too much.


I am really confused now and I know I should just let it go and go back to NC, but I think with me moving back into town, there is a good chance for us to be together. The one thing that really bothers me is that she is dating another man. Last time this happened there was no one else. I dont know how much I could tolerate hanging out with her, knowing there is someone else. I have no idea what they have done, how serious it it, etc, but it bothers me alot.



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I totally emphasise with what you are going through at the moment, but I would advise you against seeing her again, or at least not at this moment. Your post makes clear that you are not able to keep your emotions under control.


Just imagine the worst case scenario. You are friends... you want more but she get engaged to her new guy.... do you really wanna put up with that? Do you really want to put all this effort into something that may come to nothing and could potentially cause you more hurt?

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Thank you for your comments. I know what you mean about getting hurt more, but at the same time, I am already hurting, so I ask myself what do I have to lose? I think this other guy is a rebound, but if I am wrong, then I am back where I started.


And thanks for being so diplomatic.



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hank you for your comments. I know what you mean about getting hurt more, but at the same time, I am already hurting, so I ask myself what do I have to lose?


For how long do you want to hurt though? I was in a similar situation. I got back with my ex twice. Last time we broke up 2 years ago... I thought maybe we get back together again? I waited... we started seeing another again... but then he told me he will love me like that again. - 2 years of my life wasted!


If there is one way to make her miss you is to go NC. Contact her in a month or two... when you feel stronger and rejection will not hit you too bad. (if you want her back after that time)


Taking the risk of her giving your feelings & ego another blow while you are down already is emotional suicide!


She does not sound like she is planning to leave her new guy.

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Thanks Midgi, I appreciate your advice. I dont know what I will do. I vacillate between agreeing with you and thinking I just need to try, so I know I did everything in my power. I dont want to regret what I could have done, and always wonder what if. At least if I try and she rejects me, I knwo I have at least tried. Tough place to be, this is.



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oh sweetie... you need to get back to NC immediately. its no joke that even though you feel you are hurting now, whats to lose, i guarantee you will feel worse if she rejects you again. its not just a start over, its a big crash and then start over...the healing process that is.

i hear your pain and i feel badly for you but i promise promise... NC is the only way to go. most especially if she is seeing someone else. i know this first hand.




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Hi Robin,


Thanks for your words. Like I said, on one hand (the logical, that makes sense level), I could not agree more with you. On the other level, I feel and I feel and I feel. I am one who tends to suppress my emotions, one of the ex's complaints about me (she could never read me, I was always so tempered). For once, I just want to put it all out there, stop being afraid of exposing myself, show vulnerability for once. I want to rip open my chest and give her my heart to do what she wants with. Well, not really, but you get my drift



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Gator, I identify with you in regards to your last post. One of my issues with my ex was also expressing my emotions and discussing my feelings with her. Since what happened to me I have been working hard on that and I have let her know how I feel/felt completely. A couple of days ago she contacted me via e-mail and I broke NC because the e-mail gave me hope again. I have a post here that discusses this in more detail but bottom line once I bit and told her that I wanted to help her figure out how to fix her mistakes and fix things with us she completely flip flopped back to being ok with what she is doing and telling me that there is nothing between us, yet she hopes somehow in the future god will put us back together so we can continue our plans.... BS...


Anyways sorry to get all into my issues but my point is that I was doing better, I let hope creep in, I acted on it and I got rejected and squashed yet again. If our ex's want something from us at any point they would say so. If not then it is only torture for us to hold on to hope and continue to try and find ways of bringing them back.



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