Having rough days lately

[Riggz41510]

Lately I have been having the toughest time forgetting my ex.. Despite all the heartache, pain and mean things she has done or said, I cant seem to get her out of my head. I have been fighting myself not to send texts or e-mails. Am I a glutton for pain?? Why do I keep walking down the same road? I think its because I'm hoping each time will be the last time, and we can sit back and talk to our grand kids 30 years down the line about the rough patch that grandma and grandpa over came... Isn't that what love is about??

 

I thought I was doing better.. I thought I was making progress. I have lost myself, and so many people to this.. Her family tries to reach out to me, but I avoid them because its too much of a reminder of her!! Every time I see a car like hers I get butterflies in my stomach..

 

It took me so long to get to the point where I felt comfortable with her.. It took years before I opened up.. Now I have to start all over.. I don't think I will ever find true happiness. I know myself and I feel I will never let another woman get that close too me.. I wonder how is it that she is able to just walk away from all we have invested??

 

I hear "move on" or "you don't need her" or my favorite "It just wasn't meant to be" but it seems like that advice goes in one ear and out of the other. I guess its harder for me because I have no faith.. I don't believe we are born with a plan already mapped out for us..

 

Now I do feel I will be able to get in a new relationship, but I feel like secretly in the back of my mind, I'm going to always want my daughters mom(my ex) It feels as if any other women will just be a replacement because I can't have her.

 

Joyce1412 said it best.. She said my attachment to her is mostly based on familiarity and family connections (my daughter).

 

How does one let go of that.. You never really get a chance to fully move on and heal. You constantly have to deal with this person, see them in their new relationship, hear your child speak of the new person.. It's like having a open wound and salt keeps getting poured on it..

 

I will close this out by saying this : My biggest fear is if she changes her mind and tries to come back, despite all she has done I still feel I would take her back.. I am so afraid of that.. I want to be able to look her dead in the eyes and tell her NO!!!! And really mean it..

 

Thanks for reading all of you guys/gals have been a great support system for me..

[Hope75]

Why are you broken up?

 

What reasons led to why you are apart today?

 

How did she treat you? How did you treat her?

 

Maybe figuring out why this relationship fell apart will help make it clearer if it is better off that you stay apart, or if it's actually worth trying to fix.

 

Saying that, I seem to remember her treating you pretty poorly and that she might not be willing or interested in trying to work things out with you. Is that right?

[Riggz41510]

Yeah but it always happens this way.. I actually don't know why we broke up. I suspect she never stopped dealing with the guy she left me for in the beginning and she was torn and confused..

 

With hindsight I believe they had issues and she came back too me, but was still talking to him.. Then we had problems and she went back to him.. Just my theory

 

She said it's because I'm not family oriented enough..I don't buy it.. I gave my all to our cause.. She knows the truth!!

[Hope75]

So she left you then...

 

How did she treat you when you were together?

 

Any idea why she felt you weren't family oriented? Did she give you specific examples?

 

Do you believe that is an excuse because she wanted to be with the other guy?

[Riggz41510]

Yes she left me...Or maybe just beat me too it.

 

Well when she was trying to get me back when she left me the 2nd time she was treating me like royalty, but as soon as we got back in the groove so to speak, it all went back down hill..

 

Yeah, she tried to give me examples, but they never made since.. Its like she would say we don't do things together as a family and I would clearly point out that for the past 4 weekends we have done nothing but family oriented things and then she would just shut down..

 

YES I THINK IT WAS AN EXCUSE!! Like I told her of course things with the other guy seems right.. Especially if you are seeing him behind my back.. You guy have no loyalty to each other and no REAL LIFE "THINGS" to deal with.. You have no reason to argue, and you don't hold him too the same rules you hold me too!!

[Gator]

Hey man,

 

I feel your pain. I am having all the same feelings, but I sympathize with you because of your daughter, and as you said how she is a constant reminder. I know exactly what you mean when you say you would take her back despite everything that has happened.

 

We get this fantasy in our head of seeing the ex as she was when you first met, when things were perfect, when you envisioned a beautiful future together. It is hard to let go of those memories, you fall in love with them, and they become a replacement for the reality of the situation. You just want to ignore and forget all the ugly things about her, all the things that made you want to break up with her when you were together. They seem so minor and insignificant now, how could you have been so silly to think they were such a big deal? If only she would come back and make all this pain go away. Just tell you those magic words, "I was wrong, I made a mistake, I want you back."

 

Its funny we all have similar patterns of thought when we are dumped ( I f**ing hate that word, btw). I guess you have to ask yourself, and only you know the answer for you, no one can advise you or tell you or think it for you. Do you love her as a person as she is, or are you in love with the idea of her? Are you scared to be alone and just want her there to make that feeling go away and make the pain stop? Do you really love this woman as she is or do you imagine her changing into your ideal of her or for her to return to how she was in the courtship stage? These are really tough questions, and I think they are important to ask and to really listen for the answers?

 

Good luck and know you are not alone in these feelings.

 

Sean

[Riggz41510]

Gator,

 

I really don't know what it is.. I know that when I am with her I'm not happy but when she is gone I am utterly miserable..

[Hope75]

It sounds like she may have been making excuses. That is a pretty good indicator that she wanted to end things, but maybe didn't feel she had a "valid" reason (like maybe she wanted to be with someone else but couldn't bring herself to say that out loud to you because it would force her to look at her actions and choices...)

 

Either way, you need to look at this long and hard and think about that.

 

As much as you want to be a family with her, you are idealizing what she was and what you had. Truthfully she was not being a good partner for you and now she has made a choice not to be with you. This for me would be a sign that I cannot waste energy or time on someone who wasn't willing to reciprocate.

 

Now, your focus can and should be on being co-parents of your child. Do you have a son, a daughter? How old is he/she?

[Riggz41510]

We have a daughter. She is 5..

[Hope75]

She needs you to be strong for her and for yourself now.

 

Can you try to focus your energies on her and being the best dad possible, regradless of what's going on between you and her mom?

[Riggz41510]

I try.. I really do.. She knows whats going on and it hurts me too know she is hurting

[joyce1412]

i know how you're feeling. this:

 

I will close this out by saying this : My biggest fear is if she changes her mind and tries to come back, despite all she has done I still feel I would take her back.. I am so afraid of that.. I want to be able to look her dead in the eyes and tell her NO!!!! And really mean it..

 

is how i feel about my ex...as my mom says, as much as i once loved him, he is poison to me now!

 

you should stick with this idea, though. because the more you get in the mindset of "i need to stay away from her" then eventually you might get in the mindset of "i WILL stay away from her!"

 

do you see a therapist? a therapist might have some tools to help you "fall out of love" with your ex. or read some breakup books that will help you look at her in a different way. i think what you really need is a change of perspective. you're hooked to your ex and hooked to her for really bad reasons. you're not even happy when you're with her! that's number one in a good relationship, my friend.

 

she's nothing but an addiction. and from what you said ("i'm not happy with her but miserable without her") it sounds like you might also have some learning to do about how to make yourself happy regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship. you're 27, still really young, and when you're in your twenties is when you're still finding yourself. this might be the core of your problem, that you don't feel centered and happy on your own.

 

but like i said, in the past, therapists have given me tools and exercises that have really given me direction when i've had problems in my life. things no one else could have given me. so i really recommend this, especially since because of your daughter, you will always see her. there is NO AVOIDING this. so the best thing you can do for yourself is to change the way you REACT to her, since you can't block out her presense.

 

believe it or not, if you're willing to work at breaking away from her, there might be a day where you see her and feel nothing--no attraction, just a person you know and used to be with. you can't shake the memories, but you really can shake the way you feel about her and react to her. it's definitely happened to me, that's for sure.

[Riggz41510]

I guess in the back of my mind I feel like once I really let go of her in my mind, its over!! All of my hopes and dreams with her are over.. I never planned on our family not working and always thought we would pull through anything..

 

She taught me how to love. How to give of myself. Now I have to begin this journey all over again.

 

I feel so depressed.. I sometimes wonder if she has days when she regrets breaking up with me? And I say that knowing how toxic our relationship was.. Its crazy..

 

What happened to the innocence of our love? What happened to all the great times we shared? I think about her new guy and I am envious of him, because he gets all the good and none of the bad.. He doesn't have the same hurtful memories of her that I have.. He has the original person I fell in love with.. I put in all the time.. Now I'm alone and hurting

[Riggz41510]

I don't know why I continuously feel this urge to e-mail her or text her a "I love you". I'm not expecting a reply. Would that be more damage if i did send it?

 

I don't know I guess I'm just all messed up. I stayed at my new girls house last night and she has a daughter around my daughter's age and in the middle of the night she came into the room and crawled in the bed. It made me start to cry because, my daughter used to do that with her mom and I all the time. Its so depressing

[Hope75]

I don't know why I continuously feel this urge to e-mail her or text her a "I love you". I'm not expecting a reply. Would that be more damage if i did send it?

 

I don't know I guess I'm just all messed up. I stayed at my new girls house last night and she has a daughter around my daughter's age and in the middle of the night she came into the room and crawled in the bed. It made me start to cry because, my daughter used to do that with her mom and I all the time. Its so depressing

 

Are you dating someone new now?

 

Do you think it's fair to yourself or this new girl to be dating her when your heart is clearly somewhere else? It takes time to heal from a breakup, and it's pretty clear from your posts that you are not there yet...

 

The other thing is think about what you just asked re: sending your ex messages like that. One, it is hurtful and disrespectful to the new girl... (especially if you are spending the night with her and her daughter and they are getting emotionally invested in you being there for them...) and two your ex made a choice not to be with you anymore. I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that I suspect she already knows how you feel about her, but that her heart is not in it anymore, so it's just setting you up for more pain when she doesn't respond the way you so desperately want.

 

Right now your energy might be best spent evaluating whether you should be seeing the new girl and if that is fair and a good idea, and focusing on your healing process and your daughter.

 

What do you think?

[Riggz41510]

You are very much right!! The urges just come out of no where. I feel fine one minute and the next I'm depressed.. I know its part the break-up and part all the other BS I have going on in my life..

 

The new girl knows what's going on and wants to support me through it.. We have a long history..

[Riggz41510]

It feels like my ex will always have this pull on me.. It feels like any other woman will be just a replacement because I can't have who I want..

 

I guess I am holding on to hope.. We have done this song and dance twice already.. Its always the same..

 

I need to come to terms with, the girl I was knew is no more.. When we met she was 20, people change a lot in 7 years..

[Hope75]

You are very much right!! The urges just come out of no where. I feel fine one minute and the next I'm depressed.. I know its part the break-up and part all the other BS I have going on in my life..

 

The new girl knows what's going on and wants to support me through it.. We have a long history..

 

It's mighty unselfish of the new girl to want to help you through this, but personally I know for myself that when I've gone through a serious breakup from a long term relationship (and when you add a child together that much more is invested), dating someone else doesn't help me get through it.

 

For me, I've felt guilty because I knew my heart wasn't with the new person, meanwhile, while they may have been aware and supportive of , develop stronger feelings for me, and want me there 100% (which I wasn't because I pined for my ex, like you are now..) and that would make me feel guilty and worse off. I'd feel like I was using them. I think that's why they call it a "rebound", because we look for what we lost in a new relationship, only to find that it cannot be replaced and we need to heal and learn to start something new, something healthy, when the time is right.

 

I'm even more concerned because the new girl has a daughter. You are in love with your ex still... but spending time with this new family and the daughter will bond with you as well... imagine how her little heart will break when you finally realize that this isn't the relationship you want or are ready for and take off. It seems pretty inevitable, doesn't it? You posts inidicate that you are not healed, not being fulfilled by dating this other girl, and I doubt she is being fulfilled either, knowing every minute you wish you with someone else.

 

Just some food for thought.