Should I send this to my ex?

[RaZeRbLaDeZ]

A lot has been added to this but I will give the short version:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MURDERED BY A LOVED ONE. (This is something I wrote shortly after you broke

up with me)

 

My body and my brain may still be living, for I am alive on the outside. It

is the inside where I am dead. It is my soul, which was crushed, and my

heart, which was ripped out of my chest by the love of my life, that are

dead. I am a living, breathing, hollow body. I am not about to get into

details, for they are too painful. But how would you feel if your future

wife told you she doesn't love you and it seems as though she never did for

she is willing to give up so quickly and throw in the towel before fighting

the real battle that has been lingering around and destroying us for a long

time. She just thought she could "make it work"? I will leave you with my

new view/philosophy on life. "Happiness is only achieved in death!" I say

this for myself. Until I am dead, there will only be pain. It is not in

God's will to let me be happy. Do not misunderstand this! I am not suicidal!

I have only opened my eyes to the bigger picture. As I finish this, I leave

this to my beautiful ex-wife. You broke my heart more than you can imagine.

You made a fool out of me for the past few months by not telling me your

true feelings. But despite all of this, I still love you and will always

love you. Because when you truly love someone, you never stop loving them.

I wish you the best and pray that you find someone to love and that makes

you happy. I am just infinitly sorry that you couldn't see that the man to

do so is me, I was just misguided along the path of who I am by a disease

that will remain with me until the day that I am dead.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is no poem, nor a story, that was something I wrote the day after we

broke up, and is how I have felt for awhile, so many things run through my

mind every day about what I should have done, I should have been a man and

told you how I felt about contracting this the entire time, I thought I was

being a man by not telling you and not hurting you over it when the real

truth is that I was being a little boy, for a man wouldn't hold these things

back from the woman he loves, a man would have come out with it all and

gambled on acceptance. I thought for the longest time that talking about

this all the time would have only made you depressed as well, but I now see

that talking to you about it and healing over a vast period of time would

have only made us so much stronger in the long run.

 

I have a very hard time understanding some things you say when I talk to you

nowadays Melanie, you say things like "I just cannot put the pieces back

together anymore", I for the life of me cannot see how you can just walk out

on the man you love over such minor things, things that were very much

caused by the * * * *ing virus itself, I don't know how you can say that you

walked out for such reasons as "I just wasn't feeling it anymore because you

critisized me, gave me a big stink when I hung out with guys, and wern't

happy with me hanging out with my ex, not only that byt you always seemed

depressed and never wanted to go out, which made it seem like we didn't

share the same interests or have anything in common."

I have already told you this before but I have real explinations for all of

the questions and concerns you have relating to these things, such as, I

didn't want you hanging out with guys or your ex in fear of somebody

sweeping you off your feet and losing you, and facing the fear of being

alone for the rest of my life, which I am now living in a reality. Of course

I didn't want to go out or be myself and have fun when herpes was running

through my mind EVERYDAY of my life and shredding all hope and making

ribbons out of my brain and soul, why can't you understand that? Why can't

you understand that I am finally ready to start coming out of this prison

and ready to heal? How can you possibly put a "time limit" on when I was

ready to face this disease and get better? How can you put a time limit on

love? I know now that you might question the authenticity on things I tell

you, maybe even on if I really love you or not, well you don't need to,

because I do, and I havent stopped since I told you, I would do anything,

ANYTHING, to prove to you, I would sink to your terms, I would have an

airplane write your name in the sky, I would tattoo your name into my back,

I would put your life before mine without question, I even feel this way

after all the bitterness that has happened, you calling me a "stalker" or

making a mockery out of me in front of your friends, really Mel, whats it

going to be? Do you want to even be friends or do you just feel guilty

because I got herpes so you feel somewhat responsable to talk to me "when

you get a free moment". Is Herpes the only reason you havent shed me out of

your life completely? I know these words might sounds ruthless and cruel,

but I need to know the truth, and it hurts s badly to even have to question

them, you say that I am "lucky" that you are still talking to me, kind of

funny huh? I am lucky? I can remember you saying that we would be together

forever and even on the off chance that we wern't we would always remain

close friends, so how am I just now "Lucky" to be talking to you? You think

you are the only one that got hurt or had to suffer? I critizised you and

made a stink for some of the * * * * you did, and you are hurt, I understand,

but what about me, do I get to hurt? When I compare things that you were

getting depressed over, to the things I had to think about everyday, the

plague that was consuming my mind, I wonder if you even realize how much

pain I went through, and I will forever wonder why you would never want to

help me heal over this and even CONSIDER giving it a go after I have made

progress with it, you know, you can say no up and down in this time of hate

and confusion, but I will always lay awake at night and hope for different,

because I know the man that you fell in love with exists behind this cloud

of depression, so how can you say that you loved the man you met so dearly,

the man you wanted to spend your life with and make a family with, how can

you say you wouldn't want to try again in the future? And why? What is it?

Is it a pride issue? For one I would never judge you in ANY way. Is it an

issue of your friends embedding hatred and negativity twords me? Sooner or

later your own feelings will catch up if thats the case, and I am not saying

they ARE, but I am saying if they have any kind of influance over you

because of how I was, they don't know what they are talking about because

there is no way for them to understand how painful this disease has been on

my life, and the person is has caused me to be these past months, they can

voice in on the outside but they cannot even begin to have any idea what it

was like inside, now can they understand the kind of love I have for you.

 

It runs through my head a million times a day..."Sorry Johnny, I want to be

with you btu I already gave you enough chances, we have broken up like 4 or

5 times and I just can't put the pieces back together again"...

And that upsets me for then you know, we boke up for all the wrong reasons,

for all the wrong things, and I don't think you want to believe it yourself

becaue you think that getting back to me would just lead to more hurt, and

it WOULDN'T, I knowI spoonfed you bull * * * * to get back with you in the ast,

not because I felt like I had to lie, but because I needed a little more

time to finally come out with this disease and other things I have told you

about, you knew damn well it was eating me up and now that I am ready to

come out with it all and be the man you wanted you are going to throw in the

towel? How are you going to do that with love?

You say you are going to go out and find a guy who will love you for you and

accept your disease, well that man was ME, it just got sidetracked because

in my own mind I was never supposed to get herpes, I was never supposed to

go through all of this, but it happened and has hurt me so much, and now

that I want to heal and spend my life making you happy you would rather just

hit the resetbutton and try to find someone that you can already have. You

are forgetting the little things, IF a man can get past the initial horror

of this disease, how many of them do you think will stick around to have to

wash themselves every time after fooling around, how many guys do you think

are going to want to go through staring at their private area every time

they go to the bathroom or every time they get intimate and wonder in

terror, I WAS strong enough to do that, and I was STRONG ENOUGH to finally

start coming out with all of this to a woman I love unconditionaly, but

Melanie, you just won't have it will you? Maybe you feel liek you were used

so your pride won't allow it, maybe you feel like I am just bull * * * *ting

you, maybe you feel like things will go good for a little while then just

result back to hurt, well they WON'T, why can't you understand that I am

being true to you in all of this? It like what do I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO

realize I am being true, do I have to end my own life to show you I am

geniine? You know damn well I would do anything in my power to prove it to

you.

 

You know, maybe you don't have a good insight on me anymore because these

past few weeks I have been coming at you like a pathetic heartbroken puppy,

but it isin't the heartbreak that is causing it, it is the confusion over a

lot of things, and I can only pray that you do not judge me for the things I

have done since the split.

 

I have watched you evolve so much, from a heartbroken depressed,

stressed girl who had nothing, no car, no job, and a handful of friends who

walked out on her, to a beautiful woman who has a car, a job, and friends

who are there for her again, I just wish you could make a little time for

the man who lived through it all with you, but it just doesn't seem like you

can or want to anymore, its almost like we have switched places, isin't it?

When I met you, you were shattered over this disease and many other things

and I was the only one there to hold you and talk things out with you, now I

am the one you were about 2 years ago and you won't barely give me the time

of day, I know you work alot but if you really wanted to be there for me you

could easily make time, even if it's only an hour of coming over to hang out

with me or whatever.

 

I don't know if you remember because it was so long ago, but I wrote you a

poem, I dug up the poem and changed the words a little, but this poem I

wrote has more meaning then ever.....

 

"Name blocked, when I think of her I feel love and pain,

It kills me to think we came this far only in vein, how could I have let her

slip away?

She was such a loving dane, how could I have let this disease get to my

brain?

I wish I had showed you how much you were loved and needed but I now realize

where I failed.

I wish you could see in me, your dreams come true, but you do not.

I wish you still loved me, but you do not.

I wish you were able to forgive me for my failing, but you cannot ��

I wish..."

 

This poem reflects so many things and has so much meaning to how far we have

gotten and where we are now, I wish you could understand a lot of things I

am trying to tell you, and its not even that I don't think you understand, I

think you are too hurt to want to accept them, and I guess all I can do is

pray everynight that one day time will heal your pain, so that you can see

that the guy I am and how much you mean to me is not something you are going

to be able to find around the corner, and I also know that I have written

you so many things that they probably don't even have meaning anymore, but

if I have ever spoken truer words, a lot of them are in this very letter, so

please take everything said in here to the very bottom of your delicate

heart.

 

Now, I havent really spoken to you much lately, just little bits and pieces,

* * * *, you may already have another boyfriend, maybe some guy you had been

talking to before you even broke up with me and ultimately decided that he

would be better, I wouldn't know, I am not saying that is the case but I

just cant figure you out, I cannot figure out how 1 week you say you love me

more ten anything on this earth hen the next just bag me and throw me away

like I don't exist then all of a sudden be too "busy" to even talk to me for

a couple of minutes or even see me in the flesh, but I hope if it was

anything like that you would have the guts to tell me, I mean, you are NEVER

home when I call you, even late night after you drop your mom off from work,

I havent called very much at all but the few times I do you are never to be

around

 

Now as for being friends, I don't understand how you can be so objective to

hanging out yet, I mean you were the DUMPER, I was the DUMPEE, I am on the

reciving line, so how can it possibly so hard for you to see me if I am not

in your life anymore? Shouldn't it be easier or shouldn't it somehow make

you happier that we arent together and somehow be easy to just chill with me

as a friend now? I don't know much of it or what to make of it but it sounds

like you still do love me and you still do have feelings for me and you

don't want to see me in person because you are afraid of what might happen,

of course I could be wrong but I am just trying to make something of it all.

 

I am sorry if anything in this letter sounded harsh but please understand

that getting everything out will only make our friendship stronger because

everythng being gotten out wll save any drama or hurt in the future of a

good friendship, so please don't downlook me for spilling out my guts to

you, believe it or not I actually have so much more to say, I could probably

write a damn novel on it, but it's probably better to get it all little by

little, you even said so yourself, so I am going to end this now and

hopefully talk to you later.

 

- Johnny

[Cynder]

Well, it depends on if you want her back or not...

 

My Ex wanted me back and he used to send me things like this. It didn't make me want to go back with him.

 

But, if you plan on forgetting her and moving on, then by all means send it. Get everything off your chest and tell her how you really feel.

 

That's my .02

[RaZeRbLaDeZ]

Well, it depends on if you want her back or not...

 

My Ex wanted me back and he used to send me things like this. It didn't make me want to go back with him.

 

But, if you plan on forgetting her and moving on, then by all means send it. Get everything off your chest and tell her how you really feel.

 

That's my .02

 

How will sending her things like this relate to getting back together?

[ocrob]

I really don't see how sending this will hurt you or help you. I do think that just writing it will help. I am like you and like to write my feelings.