Keeping my emotions in check... my story... Conclusion

[Gator]

I just feel like if I never met him my life would be so much easier

 

Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? This is pretty much the premise of the movie.

[enolaton]

If you never met the ex, you wouldn't be the person you are today, IMO. Perhaps a sad sack now, but a much stronger person in the end for having gone through this learning experience (I'm trying to me optimistic).

[Gator]

100% agreed enolaton. Pain is a seed for personal growth.

[enolaton]

Well, I wasn't going to mention this, seeing as how it isn't a big deal, but after some thinking I thought some outside advice would be helpful.

 

I've now been about 2 months NC with my ex. Last we spoke, I made it clear that friendship was no longer an option, and we went our separate ways. A few days ago, I received a simple "Hey" in an instant message from her. If I have learned one thing from eNotAlone (and listen up for all those who don't agree with NC), it's that NC has taught me to be strong so that I may heal and move on with my life. So, naturally, as was the right thing to do, I didn't answer or acknowledge her. I didn't even have a problem doing it. It was a no brainer (THANKS NC!). Herein lies the problem... I did not doubt my decision to not answer her for a second... however, the reason for her message has occupied my thoughts for the last few days.

 

I will admit, I was on some sort of high afterwards, letting thoughts of reconciliation back into my head. I did my best to dismiss them. I have been pondering the reasons for the message. Here's the thing... I made it clear that I did not want to be friends, and I'm trying to convince myself that she was just trying to see whether or not I would answer her (i.e. if I was still on her string). I wouldn't be surprised if she attempts to contact me again, but I am strong in my beliefs of NC, and I do not wish to break them. I'm doing better day by day.

 

If she does contact me again, do I ignore her and hopefully she'll get the idea, or do I answer her and explain one more time that I do not wish to be in contact. I would've thought by now that she understood the reasons for us not speaking anymore... advice???

[majord23]

Hey enol,

I'm sure you know that I received a 'nothing' text from my ex about a month ago that had me feeling and thinking the same things as you.

 

Ultimately I ended up pursuing it...and I got closure, and also learnt a lesson as to what to do next time (ignore).

That's not to say that *you* should ignore it though mate - every person and every situation is different. I did what I thought was best for me, and it turned out that it actually did turn out best for me. BUT, I also know that it could have gone the other way - I gambled and got lucky.

 

If *you* think that you should respond and you are prepared for the possibility that her intentions have nothing to do with reconciliation, then it can do no harm to contact her back.

 

Do what is best for you and consider *every* eventuality before you act - if you expect the worst, then you are well prepared to deal with anything less than the worst.

 

The thing that does stick out is the fact that she didn't ask any questions...I mean not even a "how are you?". She may be seeing if the lines of communication are open with her one-worded text - only she knows why she sent it, and only you know what will be best for you to do (ignoring or reacting).

[enolaton]

Very true Major, however...

 

You went NC from the beginning, whereas my "situation" has been dragging out for a year now. As far as I was concerned, I already had my closure. I know that NC is best for me, but I don't want her to continue contacting me if her intentions are to just see how I am. I think she may be easing her way back into my life and seeing if the lines of communication are still open, but her main purpose remains to be seen. I want to be able to prevent any more hurt. I guess just ignoring her will hopefully do the trick. I honestly thought I'd never speak to her again. It took less then 2 months. How can someone be so thick-headed. I was clear that her communication with me was hurting me. That's why I'm partial to answering her IF there is a next time, and reiterating that her "just want to see how you are" contact is unacceptable. At the same time, I don't want to break NC...

[majord23]

Then I think you're mind is made up mate - *and* (I will say this now)...I think it is the right thing to do.

 

If she wants to communicate with you, she should be sending more than 'hey' for a start. I mean, how the hell are you meant to respond to that anyway??

 

Responding to her validates her behaviour - it says to her: "Despite the fact that I have told you that I cannot stay in contact with you, I am willing to compromise my decision when you send me a one-worded text".

 

Ignore her and you not only send her a clear message, but you also maintain your integrity and your pride. If she genuinely wants to communicate, or she misses your friendship, or she wants to reconcile...then she will have to do more than sending a pathetic, short text.

 

Staying NC tells her that mate - *loud* and *clear* - without you having to say a word. Good to see that you're looking at this logically pal, and protecting yourself - for that, you should be proud.

[enolaton]

Amen to that Major.

 

Question is, what if I continue to get these messages from her little by little? I think it just may be inevitable. I guess, unless she says something significant, I should continue with NC???

[majord23]

Amen to that Major.

 

Question is, what if I continue to get these messages from her little by little? I think it just may be inevitable. I guess, unless she says something significant, I should continue with NC???

 

Absolutely mate - the quandry will come, I'm sure, if she asks a direct question. But until she does that, ignore her.

 

As for responding to the question....well, that depends what she asks and let's cross that bridge when you come to it.

[enolaton]

Normally, I don't go on Instant Messenger that often, especially since the ex sent a simple "hey" message to me almost a month ago, to which I did not respond. However, today, I was out for the entire day, and had left my Instant Messenger on WITH an away message. I come home to a message from the ex from 4 hours before with another one-liner.

 

Just to fill you guys in, her sister JUST got married. So, the ex's message was in reference to her sister and where she currently is on her honeymoon. After ALL this time, what would make her think I gave a crap??? So, whatever, I left it alone, she had already signed off, and I wasn't planning on contacting her or reading too much into it.

 

Not 20 minutes later (great timing!), she calls me (for the first time in almost 3 months). I didn't recognize the number at first, because I had deleted her number from my phone. I, of course, did not answer it. Now, normally, she would leave me some immature message stating something to effect of: "Well, I guess you don't wanna to talk to me, so I just won't call you anymore", as she has done in the past when I've attempted to ignore her phone calls. Instead, she left no message at all.

 

I am "talking" with another woman as of right now, though I highly doubt anything serious will develop. And, I'm sure the ex would have left a message had it been important, but this is really starting to bug me. Why is she doing this again... only she knows. I refuse to play these games though... Any ideas as to why she may be doing this? Can someone STILL be so thick-headedness to think I want to be friends after I told her that's not what I wanted?

 

Advice... comments???

[Kia Kaha]

Hey there. I've just read your entire thread as I have just (very recently - one week ago) gone through a very unexpected and painful break up myself, and I am finding it so soothing to see that other people are going through similar things themselves, and surviving! As we all will.

 

I just wanted to add a little comment... As I think I have been on the other side of your situation a bit, though have never behaved as cruelly as your ex, I must admit! It sounds to me like she is keeping her bases covered, that she really doesn't think you are the one for her, but wants to make sure she doesn't end up alone. I think this is something a lot of spineless women (and men) do... I can't relate to it entirely as I always made clean breaks with my ex's, despite the fear of being alone, but I can imagine what it would have done to them if I hadn't! So unfair, and I have to say, it makes me wonder how nice a person she is anyway? And also - how courageous?

 

My ex is putting me through similar stuff at the moment, and it's so confusing, I am getting caught up in his confusion (though I have always been 100% sure that he was the one for me) and ultimately my pride and self-preservation got the better of me and I have just this moment deleted all his numbers, photos, texts - everything - from my phone. If it was left up to him, he would keep this going for weeks, months, years, so I have to rise above his behaviour, and remember that I am too good for it!

 

Yes, there is something noble in being able to forgive, but I have to be blunt and say that I think you are in risk of making things worse for yourself. She is a selfish and weak person. I can see that, and regardless of whether she wants you back, do you want that? For the rest of your life? I can tell you for certain there is something better for you out there. There is for everyone.

 

I'm sorry if this is all hard talking from someone you don't know at all - but I'm saying it to myself as much as you! Ultimately, your pride at how you conducted yourself will be one of the major things you take from this relationship, and this is a great opportunity to grow that pride. Don't let her keep you hanging on because she is a coward!

 

Be strong x

[enolaton]

OK, for those who don't know, there was an earthquake in Hawaii. As far as they know, no one was killed. That's where my ex's sister is on her honeymoon, and that's what she was trying to tell me when she messaged me and then called me. I just found out this morning. Here's my dilemma:

 

On the one hand, after almost 3 months of NC, and me telling her that I wouldn't be friends, what makes her think that I will be her shoulder to cry on concerning this situation. What if she is using it to wiggle her way back into my life as friends. I can't handle that. On the other hand, I was close with her and her family at one time, and it shows a real lack of compassion as a human being if I don't call her back to ask about her sister.

 

Any ideas as to why she is doing this? Should I call her back? Can I just call her back, find out about her sister, and do my best to cut the conversation short if she attempts to "small-talk"?

[longhaircats]

Hi, I read your story and I've been going through the similar situation as yours, trying to stay in ex's life as friends and tortured myself. (my story here: ) So I understand your dilemma. I would not call her up, but may be you could send a simple text message saying that "I heard about the earthquake. Hope your sister is okay" something like that, because it still shows that you care what happens to her and her family, but you don't want anything to do with her. If she tried to open up a conversation after that, then you should ignore her. If she knows what she wants, she will tell you.

 

I think she is doing this because she is lonely. Most women call their ex when they are lonely. She may not be getting enough attention from her new guy, but it doesn't necessary mean she wants more than friendship from you.

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi Enolaton,

 

I've been glued to your thread all morning - I really feel for you and I hope that you can see through your posts that you are a very strong man indeed!

 

Firstly, well done for keeping up NC!

 

I know I'm not that experienced myself but on reading your posts I just feel that your ex doesn't deserve someone as caring or as loving as you. It's been over a year since things were shaky with you both, and it seems that she's playing games with you emotionally because you've being so open and trusting with her.

 

I'm not suggesting that she's of a manipulative nature, but perhaps subconsciously she is "touching-base" with you, to be friends with you but nothing more, but also knowing that you might still have feelings for her.

 

If she wants you to give her a shoulder to cry on re. her sister's honeymoon and the quake - she has to understand that you both can't just "revert" back to how you were a few months ago. You are now a different, stronger person that you were then. And if you get into contact again, you both have to start from the beginning.

 

But I kinda feel that it's better that you put her behind you. She really messed you up post break-up - I feel that her actions were slightly selfish - perhaps she will look back and feel bad - I don't know. But the main thing is YOU - you have so much to look forward to and give in your life and she is just the last burden you should pack away before you get out there!

 

Sorry this is a bit jumbled - and again, I don't see myself as a great advice giver - just giving you my thoughts!

 

My brother gave me some great advice when I broke up with my ex recently - he said that he believed that a good rels consisted of friendship, passion and respect. It's so important that you have respect for each other - pre-during and post breakup. He also said that when you find your no 1, you never want to let go of them - ever.

 

Good Luck!

 

MvdS x

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi me again - that last bit about finding your no 1 - I meant that if you were her no 1 she would have cut to the chase and told you how she really felt by now. But she hasn't - so...

 

Forget her - GO OUT THERE AND FIND YOUR BEAUTIFUL NO 1!!

[Royltnxile]

On the other hand, I was close with her and her family at one time, and it shows a real lack of compassion as a human being if I don't call her back to ask about her sister.

 

Any ideas as to why she is doing this? Should I call her back? Can I just call her back, find out about her sister, and do my best to cut the conversation short if she attempts to "small-talk"?

 

DON'T CALL HER BACK! You are trying to rationalize a reason to call her back (her sister). If she had something of substance to say, she would have left you a message. She's playing games with you (again). Don't fall for it and keep up the NC. Focus on this other woman you are talking to and forget about her. Not calling her back shows her that you are no longer at her beck and call. No longer the faithful puppy dog that comes running when she whistles..know what I mean? After the way she has strung you along, it should take a whole lot more than a "no message" phone call to get you to even consider calling her back!

[enolaton]

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I should've posted this sooner but, I already decided to call her back, and did so yesterday. Of course, the news about her sister was just a ploy. She was really just calling to see if we can be friends.... AGAIN! Her reasoning was that last time we spoke, she got the impression that I just needed time and space, and that one day we would be friends. I even recall that conversation, and she told me that if I ever change my mind "days, months or even years from now", she would want to be friends with me when I finally called her.

 

Meanwhile, it took her less than 3 months, and SHE was calling me!!! We spoke for a while, even though I tried to cut it short, and we just went over the same things again. Too much was said to go into, but I did ask her how long she was thinking of calling me, and she told me for a long time now. I also asked her, that even after a year, and all that has happened, why she maintains the want to be my friend so damn badly (she was even crying on the phone yesterday). She responded that we were together for 3 years, and that we were best friends, and we care about each other, so why can't we be friends. It's like I expected it when I called her, but at the same time, I was in disbelief that she was calling to ask to be friends again. I told her if I wasn't good enough to be her boyfriend, why am I good enough to be her friend. None of this make sense. In the end, she said she understood, and she would never contact me again. I'm, of course, pondering having her in my life again. I haven't even been really effected by our conversation yesterday. For now though, we said our goodbyes...

[keefy1972]

You haven't really been affected yet. That's the beauty of one conversation in 3 months. The troubles occur when one call leads to two and two to three and so on. That's how the cycle survives. Don't fall prey to it my friend. You've worked too hard to get where you are to go back. Let this one call go. You're clearly not capable yet of being just friends so allow time to continue to do it's work.

[enolaton]

Thanks Keefy...

 

If there's one thing I know for sure, not matter how selfish she may be through her actions, she obviously cares about me. Weird though, at the beginning when I had asked for a second chance, her reasoning was that she doesn't want to risk getting hurt again if things don't work out. However, when we spoke two days ago, she said she would rather be hurt as long as we were friends and talking...

 

It does matter to me though... has she maintained her want to be my friend because even though she has seen other people, she's been lonely, and likes to know there is someone to talk to that knows her well.... or, does she still have some feelings for me, but will not admit them? That perhaps, the only way to see if we've matured and learned from our mistakes is to be friends first, becuase she would never jump straight back into a relationship with me. Personally, I wouldn't be against a second chance...

[Mavis VDSande]

Hi it's me again:

 

"However, when we spoke two days ago, she said she would rather be hurt as long as we were friends and talking..."

 

I find this quite selfish because if she really cared about you then she would consider your feelings first and think about what you want and what is best for you as a person she respects. If I were her I would feel that you needed space away from me to figure out what you want without me pulling at your heart-strings. In brief she would respect you and because of that move away from being "friends" until you both could really and realistically be "friends" without the pain and tears.

 

I guess you could question why you're still friends and keeping in contact or what her true intentions are forever but you will really never know until you do one thing. DROP ALL CONTACT with her.

 

When someone isn't in your life like that you stop analysing what they are doing to you and trust me, you start thinking about you, and you transform to be the stronger, wiser self that you are now. Then you can look back into the past and see the relationship for what is really was and make good decisions from that.

 

Ultimately she has to realise the same things as you - and this in turn means that she has to give you space and figure out what she wants.

 

I know this is painful but I truly believe "this is the only way"!!

 

Being "friends" now is not going to break the circle of distruction - finding your feet on your own is!

 

Sorry if I sound like a dragon, but one of my close friends is best friends with her ex of 3 years and I know that he still loves her dearly. She buys him presents, breakfast, they go on holiday together! One day I asked her why she was still friends with him when she suggested I drop all contact with my ex because I still love him. She simply said that even though her ex still loves her, she's too selfish to lose him as a friend in order to let him "get over her". Now she's lovely and so is he but think about that!

 

Remember - you can't change your ex's feelings but you can change yourself to be a stronger person who deserves inconditional love!

 

MvdS x

[enolaton]

Hey Mavis...

 

You give some pretty sound advice, and I appreciate your attention to my thread. This "saga" has unfortunately been going on for over a year now. I'm taking it all into consideration...

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah,

 

Well good luck! And stay happy

 

MvdS x