Please help me through this

[Spacey]

Hi

 

Totally understand if I don't receive sympathy for this, but I'm really going through a hard time and any help or advice would help me a lot.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years a few weeks ago. I broke it off because of fundamental differences between us as people, but also because I fell head over heels with my manager. We have been working together for a while, and about 3 months ago he kissed me on a night out with friends. That led to several intense meetings where we had sex. He is engaged to be married. I knew that when we first kissed, and I carried on with it, going with my heart and ignoring my guilt.

 

Anyway, it's a long story but I have made the decision to cut off all contact away from work, which is easy as he has backed off too (he told me the other night he loved me, and we both know we need to back away from it).

 

Now I am alone and asolutely broken hearted- the thought of him with someone else makes me physically ill. I don't remember ever feeling this awful.

 

He is not a bad guy, although I know it seems that way. He is perhaps weak, but I truly think that we have an amazing connection that neither of us could walk away from, although we should have.

 

I want him to come back to me, and I feel like I need to remove myself from the situation for there to be any chance of this happening. This hope is really all that's getting me through this at the moment.

 

I haven't had a broken heart for around 10 years, I forgot how awful the pain is. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[Ash]

Hey there.

 

Lot's of things going on here (as you know) and perhaps separating them all and trying to deal with them one by one is an approach you could possibly take.

 

Firstly, there is the issue of your old boyfriend. You need to assure yourself you past that situation and that you made the choice to split up with him for the correct reasons. Ideally, it's far easier if you can break one relationship cleanly before getting into another. To not do so tends to confuse things greatly and ends up hurting all involved. When you examine your past relationship, make sure you decided to end it on its own merits (or lack of them).

 

Having a relationship with a coworker (or manager or subordinate) is always a dicey situation in itself. Make sure this is something you really think would be worth embarking on and consider the long term effect it might have on both of your jobs.

 

Thirdly, your new interest is apparently headed off in a different direction. You need to face the very real fact that he will marry another. You have to prepare yourself for that and to let him go (for his sake AND for your sake) should he wish his life to continue in that direction.

 

Fourthly, if he is headed away from you, trying to convince him otherwise is perhaps not a wise move for a long term relationship.

 

One of the underlying difficulties here is the fact you started a relationship (of sorts) with a new person before an old one was finished. He may have done the same, or been out with you while he was engaged (or had a girlfriend before engagement). I would be cautious of any trust issues, both for you and him.

 

I honestly think this is a really good time for you to step back, collect all your thoughts of your past boyfriend, new love interest and your own feelings to make sure you are headed where you want to be. The hurt is real, of that there is no doubt. But there is also the fact that no matter what you think now, and how badly it hurts, there will be other people who you can and will feel the same for if you let yourself. It may be easier in the long run to restart from a new starting point. You're doubting some parts of the situation already (saying you should remove yourself, that you are cutting off some contact) and although I realize the reasons for doing those concern other factors in addition to your own feelings, I think you already realize that you need to sort out your feelings a bit more, and consider all of the possibilities (there are many many ways this could turn out, some good, others horrible) before you try to go anywhere emotionally with him.

 

Sorry, I'm a bit scrambled in my writing.

Perhaps this will help.