Do we ever truly move on?

[mazurka]

I would like to write something that should hopefully solicit some interesting answers. To sum it up though, do we ever move on totally after a LTR? We get remarried, have children, go into other relationships, but do we ever remove that person totally from every corner of our being?

 

A lot of people can be with someone for a long time and not really love them, but if you have been with a person and truly loved, do you ever not love them anymore?

 

A wise friend once said to me that the "oppisite of love is indifference" as well as "Dont ever wait for the day when you see her, that you will not feel anything becuase that day will never come".

 

As we get older and we have more emotional experiences, is the reality of the situation that we just need to learn to deal with our past emotional experience's and try and keep a mature, logical perspective to prevent them coming into our lives and destroying the hard-won emotional intamacies we now share with our current partners.

 

I would like to know if anyone here, currently in a commited relationship has ever not had fear and regret over a previous relationship not affect their current relationship? Is it normal to go through stages of wondering if we did the right thing in moments of weakness?

 

This post is not about any one situation or set of circumstances, its about people and how they deal with people that they once loved, or the memory of them, and what do they do when fastasy distorts reality.

 

To sum up, are mixed feelings sometimes the result of a varied and interesting emotional life, or do we settle down eventually, and truly accept things the way they are, with no regrets?

[arwen]

It depends on the definition of moving on. I think the best moving-on I have done was to accept that the ex was part of my history, part of my life, but not part of my PRESENT life. It took me over a year to really move on. I don't have feelings for the ex in the sense that I would want him now or in the future. The feelings I have now, are just reflections of who I was at the time we were together. That is what closure meant to me. Being able to see things in the timeframe they were in:

 

1. being together

2. breaking up the final time

3. healing

 

 

 

(later)

 

4. recovery and closure.

 

That does not mean that there is no special feeling for him. But it's in the past. The feeling does not belong to my present. After that kind of closure, my heart was able to belong to someone else's

 

Ilse

[mazurka]

Ilse,

 

I think you have summed up the point I am trying to make. Are we ever able to truly get that person out of our hearts forever? To logically accept that the person is part of your history is easy, but the reality of the situation is that in any relationship you are in, it will have its ups and downs and when things are down, to entertain feelings of regret associated with broken relationships with former partners?

 

All I am saying is that it can be difficult to keep perspective. Even after we have our "closure", do you think it is as black and white as that?

[arwen]

Yes, but I think you confuse moving on with having NO feelings at all. Why do you want that person out of your heart? The ex and what you shared is also part of you.

 

Ilse

[shamus]

i agree with Ilse...

 

I've moved on accepted things, have a new gf that i absolutely love.

but when you love someone and give them your heart, they will always have a small piece of it.

 

I think of my ex now and then, hope she is well, but I would not get back together with her. that is in the past. that doesnt mean you forget about them, if you truly loved them, i think you will always remember them in some form or another, how can you forget someone you shared a lot with. My ex was a major part of my life for a year.

 

as human beings our greatest gift is the ability to love. love for one does not diminish the love for another. It's like if you have kids, you love them both, or your parents. While my feelings for my ex arent as intense anymore, like i said there is a part of me that will always care for her. we just werent right for each other for whatever reason.

[Belle]

Of all of my exes, there's only one that I still love. I know it wasn't meant to be and I'm happy for him and his new wife. But he was a good person and I wish him nothing but the best. As for the rest, I am indifferent. There were a couple that were just poison so by the time I was done grieving I had no respect and no love left. Generally, when I'm really done I'm done and I wouldn't have feelings to go back to the person even if I had been in love at some point. There was a reason for the breakup and if I had to experience the pain of a breakup, the feelings just die with it.

[joyce1412]

i agree with belle, i've spoken to other friends and it seems like you become indifferent, unless the couple happens to separate very mutually and amicably and remain friends. but in the bad breakups, i believe the care dissipates after a while. you don't hope they get hit by a car, but you don't stay hopelessly in love either.

 

i think that's why NC is key. with enough distance you will stop being involved in that person's life. so if it happens that you run into her on the street, then sure, you might still be physically attracted or even feel a little shaken. but after several months of being apart and not speaking, or a year or two perhaps, you just won't think of her that often, and with less thinking there's less loving.

 

and while several of my friends still get weirded out seeing their exes, or hearing about their exes' new loves, they say don't regret the breakup, settling down with different people, or the state of their lives without their exes. they seem to be doing just as well or better.

 

bottom line, i don't have any friends who still wish they had their exes (especially if their exes were the dumpers) back after several months or years. everyone i've known has moved on, no matter how in love they were. so be comforted in that.

[Donster]

Ilse wrote:

Why do you want that person out of your heart? The ex and what you shared is also part of you.

 

I totally agree with Ilse--through good times and bad, your time with your ex has helped you to become who you are, and for that reason, they should always have at least a little bit of your heart. I think people should at least be able to cherish the good times and the happy memories of the time spent with their ex, yet also be aware of all the new good times and future good times to come with the person you are with today. Having the ex in a little part of your heart doesn't mean that you can't love your new partner 100%, or that you have to still carry a flame for them. If that's the case, then you really haven't yet learned to move on from your ex.