boxing it all in... (long post)

[KillTheSilence]

i was at my school's band camp last week. one day a friend of mine asked me to join this bible study group and so i thought i should go cause i'm really interested in people expressing their feelings in that way. has good moral values and whatnot in the package.

 

It was a nightly thing after supper, practice, and during free time, so the whole night thing kind of set a cool mood for everyone in the hundred degree weather from earlier that day. the first few days were more like a typical bible study (Jesus died for us, it freed us from sin, some dude found something interesting in this christian rock song he listens to, etc.).

 

many people just walking by noticed it and the whole deal spread to about 15 or so people each night.

 

Anyways, the talks were getting more and more serious each night cause they entered topics like how people judge you on the outside instead of the inside and how it affects people. Adding on to that topic (this was on the last day, btw) was a familiar feeling we've all seemed to have had before: depression.

 

One person in particular mentioned that she always boxed in that feeling and let it all out later on while playing it cool on the surface.

 

It reminded me of that time when I felt my life fall apart in front of me as I was repeatedly rediculed in my family (by my only brother) on a bunch of crap over how I like to live, or when things get out of control over my brother and my parents and he (being a 16 y/o) just makes it worse when he adds on to how I'm the one to blame. It started sometime around my 6th grade year (currently going into 9th) when my parents banned me from chatting with two people (who had been best friends their entire life) after i'd been chatting with them for atleast a year. we'd do crap like play mmorpgs online or try to get one of the two straight on not trying to kill himself because he never fit in and nobody would care anyways.

 

I became best friends with those two cause for one, i was just transferred to a new school 6th grade and i was shy as hell. for two, it was awesome talking to some people my age (except for the one who wasn't thinking straight. he was about 3 yrs older than all of us) about stuff i care about and could do that for hours each day.

 

But after I was banned form them, i was scarred. i remembered, on that night i was at bible study, how i couldn't handle my self and decided to box it in as well. it would happen more and more often as i began to control my emotions by boxing them in more and more until one day i remembered. the memory of that day could keep me up all night because my pillow would be soaked on one side from my own tears, something that i wouldn't do if my grandma died; hell, even if my dad died it wouldn't have been that bad.

 

It always happened when I was in trouble for fighting with my brother over something that ended up in a battle over whose trust was earned (not mine after i was banned from my best friends from another state) rather than who was telling the truth. I could control when i let it all go a little better after each time, which only means it happened when it truly hit me after a while. Soon only a song like Thrice's Stare at the Sun, Best of You by Foo Fighters, when i was talking to my friends or was banned (usually linkin park), or even ikari's Simple and Clean from Kingdom Hearts (the storyline in that game really related to mine in a way cause i also met this girl one day online but i now think she was probably one of those pedafiles. either that or i'm just so afraid she isn't that if i knew she wasn't then i'd have to go through more pain).

 

Point is I can't stop boxing it up. things go so bad in my family sometimes that it seems like the only way to fix things, even though it ends up only numbing it down for a while...

 

Why am i doing this? it's so stupid that i've even though about suicide more than once a month .

Its gotten so bad that the last time I did let it all go (which was the week before band camp after yet another argument in the family over something that was something adding up in the same damn box i've been using for years)) that i had thought about just snapping and taking a knife to use on my brother's mouth so he would shut up for once.

 

The next day after that, I woke up during the morning and rode my kayak (i was having a vacation at a lake in Branson, Missourri called Table Rock). i was thinking about how to fix things for myself and decided to not give a crap about anything. if i was going to make a point, i would make it in the way i thought was mature and longlasting. I wasn't going to do drugs or harm someone; I was going to not give a crap until i didn't have to, which was when i was around my friends.

 

it's worked so far and i may have just gotten back from seeing my friends at band camp, but i know it will happen again. It never has stopped and it won't stop soon. It gets worse each time and worsens over the school year when my lazy brother does a poor job in keeping his grades up in his classes cause he didn't do/turn in his homework and there's another argument over that. I need help with this cause i know there's a brighter future out there than the one i see now and it's only because the one i see is eclipsed by my box...

 

sorry that was long, but i needed to get that out of my system.

[nottoogreen]

Hi ~KillTheSilence~,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

I feel with you, ridicule hurts badly and breaks our trust in ourselves and others. I experienced it too often by myself.

 

It's good you are in the bible study group. And it's great that they taught you about not boxing it in.

 

Boxing it in keeps the hurt inside and locks down the mind. You are doing great by talking.

 

RPG is another thing that hurts many people because it is so competitive and creates a fake world. It would be better to wrestle with your brother in the garden, you both would get some exercise and learn real life skills.

 

You have a good idea when you say that you do not "give a crap". Please do develop yourself and find and follow your on path.

 

How is your brother doing when not playing RPG?

 

How is you mom and dad together and to you?

 

 

[KillTheSilence]

actually i was the only one playing an rpg. I liked talking to people i never met b4.

 

the only problem was is that i became sort of attatched to the people i met and it was too hard to let go of that.

 

my parents are some of the greatest you will ever meet when it comes down to unconditional love, though maybe not the best at handling the stress of everything.

 

my brother usually watches tv when he's doing anything, though. it literally takes up half his day excluding school.

 

thanks for reading all that, btw. it sets a good example for me

[nottoogreen]

Thank for your reply.

 

It's natural to get attached to people of common interests. Being in a larger group and experiencing these feelings is a good experience for you.

 

Stress and depression in a family are contagious. Please tell us more, as I think that you could use some help in that area.

 

You are doing fine, the important thing you learned already is that you do not box feelings and issues in.

 

I look forward to hear from you soon!

[KillTheSilence]

well, my mom is always really stressed out. she works her a** off each day cause she was raised that way (her dad was in the military and lived in the deep south), but it really gets on her nerves when there's a fight between my brother and me.

 

I tend to back off from the fighting by staying away from him more often, but that's not always possible. we get along just fine when our parents are around (of course), and it's only when they're not around that things between us get negative real fast. as a result, they don't know what happens (i generally don't tell cause it's too stressful to solve sometimes. honestly the fights are usually about how my brother thinks my friends are goths (obviously not true) and that I'm just as bad as goths are. other times it's over how i disagree that my dad is doing all the wrong things when he disciplines him more than me) and their trust in me is skewed because it's when i'm around my parents that i blow some steem. It's never too bad, but i act really negative toward my brother and it starts the day on a bad mood.

 

it's not always like this, though. i don't think i stressed that enough in this post, but that's what happens when it is like this.

 

I guess my dad is more passive on this...

his punishments are usually temporary (instead of the full week, only a few days) and that has a lot to how his day was and if he's in a forgiving mood (which is most of the time). when it starts though, he be really straightforward on things like correcting my brother's faults on driving, telling me not to do something that seems unsafe online, and setting limits and prerequisites on what he will accept for an acceptable attitude.

 

my brother doesn't get along with him to well when he's told to do something by my dad and another argument...you know, they really argue a helluva lot more than i feel they should. it pisses the hell out of me when it's the tenth time in two days that they argue over something stupid like who's right and why they're right. I used to get depressed about it sometimes in the morning when they'd argue on the way to school. i'd always try to get out of the car as soon as i could cause i knew i could forget it all (even though i never did...) and have some fun talkin to my friends and being away from my bro for a while. after school it was alright though cause my mom picked us up (i was in 8th grade at the time and he was a sophomore, so we were at different places even though i was dropped off at the high school everyday with my brother for math cause i was one of the two people in 8th grade who was able to learn geometry. my brother was in a separate math class, though).

 

my brother's always been on mom's side cause she wasn't as harsh on him when he did something wrong and dad noticed it. i was indifferent, but i kinda like my dad more cause he's really cool sometimes in a way only guys can be cool.

 

I've never figured out why my brother was like this. it's nothing in our family, though, cause we were both adopted. all through my life i tried to adapt (box it in), but it never really has gone anywhere. I just forget about it when i'm around my friends and hope it'll end when he moves. it'd be nice if it'd end sooner, though.

[nottoogreen]

Wow, your parents are great people having adopted the two of you.

 

I am also proud of you that you really appreciate your mom and dad!

 

I think we should understand your brother more. Please tell what you know of his story. How old, what age adopted. Anything about his background? Once we understand more we can see how you can get along better.

 

P.S. One remark on religion as you are new here. Please avoid entering into religious discussion (like the other thread). This is a help forum. Thank you.

[KillTheSilence]

i'll probably end up editing this all day, but i'll start with this:

 

my brother and I were adopted at birth (I've always been curious who my real parents were, but my bro doesn't seem to care). he's 16 y/o now (i'm 14, as u can see under my non-existent avatar).

 

he was either born slightly LD (learning disabled) or something, but it started showing in his 2nd grade year. it's nothing severe. in fact, i have some friends of my own who are as challenged as he is (most of them with ADD, but some aren't). he was behind on some things like math and reading (normally i wouldn't tell you this, but i'm for sure not mentioning his name), but was doing well in areas like science (he's at his own grade level with it). He suffers from his own procrastination (of homework usually) and is punished for it in a fitting manner (in my parents eyes. this is where my dad comes down a little harder on him than my mom).

 

His procrastination leads to many, many arguments over why he shouldn't be doing this (he tends to argue back with something similar to a last-hope struggle lie like "I didn't know it was due then," or "well if you'd stop frustrating me maybe i could get my work done now!" (after his work was due a few days back. his teachers know of his disabilities and are more passive than normal when it comes to his work being late).

 

this problem inclined with his grade level and grew visibly much worse in high school as tensions grew for the past few years. I've always been the one on the sideline of things trying to make sense of all this while sometimes regretting his being a part of my family. He always seemed to push things farther than they need be in his arguments. Even over simple things like forgetting to do something like if he washed his face (he has some of the worst acne outbreaks and is given proactive to counter them), if he did his work, if he played golf today (he's part of the high school golf team), if he had a soda (he's allowed only one per day thanks to my dad after he realized that my brother's sugar intake may be reaching a thin line between stable and diabetic. btw, my dad's a family practice doctor), or even if he did his chores.

 

the arguments last quite a while because of this and, as i said before, has a negative impact on me. i've never seem to have found any way to control this and nothing has ever been done about it besides putting him on medication (it helped with his attention deficiency. he has never been diagnosed with ADD, but he has many of the symptoms).

 

looking at that, it's a bit easier understanding where his growing frustration evolved from and where it could be heading, so i'd like to tell you about his social life.

 

overall, he's the average kid in high school. not too many friends, but a lot of them are cool people. there was a problem one time, though, when i was heading into 6th grade (being a transfer into the same school as my brother had been goiong to for 2 years and was in the same building as an 8th grader). some of the people in the hallways would talk behind my back (i heard some of them) about how my bro said i was a geek because i was 2 grade levels ahead in math (being in his grade level for the subject). a few times during that year, and that year only, random people would pop up to me and either mock me as they walked by or ask me something regarding what my brother had said.

 

being the new kid and everything, it was mildly depressing to go through that. I was making friends quite rapidly, though, as I had gained popularity when i met people in my classes in the upper grade levels (i was also a grade level ahead in band because the school i was attending started band in 6th grade while my old school started band in 5th grade). my problems seemed to disappear in the second nine weeks of school as my socia life improved dramatically (i was once an extremely shy boy, coming out of a private school and being a sort of nerd for a while. although it was worth the academic experience, i still regret my social life developement in that school).

 

just so you know (and not to make you read this long reply for a while longer), 6th grade was one of the most controversial years of my life. being exposed to life in a public school was a tremendous difference to that of a private school. also, it was the beginning of the second year i had been talking to my online friends i met in the RPG. in the second semester of that school year, i met a girl online that fell in love with me (or was one of those sexual predators) and i with her. she lived somewhere else in the country though, so we just chatted online. my english teacher (one of the best teachers i've ever met in my life for more than english. i did very well in her class as her curriculum covered the grammar aspects of the English language. we became friends in a teacher-student kind of bond. she was impressed with my academic prowess in her class as I excelled most pre-AP students and she even nominated me for a leadership conference (NYLSC) in 8th grade) gave out an assignment to write our feelings in a journal and she would grade the grammatical part of our writings. i, of course, wrote about my online social life and a bit about my brother (we had a fight over something and he ended up kicking me in front of my mom. it was a good day for me ). i learned that expressing my feelings by writing them down helped, and so i continued after the assignment was over (but that's another story). anyways , around february of my 6th grade year (i met the girl during Christmas break on the day the school dance was cancelled), my dad caught me chatting with her. i'm pretty sure i told u what happened after that (severe depression, a new perspective of life, a change in attitude, ridicule from my brother).

 

that should cover most of it. if you've gotten this far, i thank you deeply. it takes a lot of time and patience to read something that long.

[nottoogreen]

Well, you do think and write well and you do relate information very well!

 

I enjoy to read it. I like longer posts in a way.

Some more questions.

 

Your dad is a doctor. Is he very insistent on treating everyone?

 

Could your brother go to see a specialist for ADD/depression, etc. (Psychiatrist)?

 

I want to come up with a plan to help your brother grow, build his self esteem and give your family less of a hard time.

 

Would you like to help your brother?

[KillTheSilence]

my dad is a great doctor. I have met many people (friends, school staff, people i just met) who agree with me.

 

my brother would reject any offer for therapy, as they have been given before. he isn't always like this, btw. sometimes he acts like nothing ever happened like that and just lives normally. his self-esteem seems normal, as far as i know. he sometimes boasts about his build (mostly gained from eating too much junk food and his body adapting to the process), but his weekness comes from lowering my self-esteem (doesn't work too well, but he thinks it does) by criticizing me as much as he needs to. I do believe it gets low when reaching certain subjects that may compromise his self-esteem. in those situations, he changes the subject of conversation to something random. in fact, he's a big talker around my parents. it's hard to get him to shut up so I can talk sometimes (that thought pops up every time i feel i'm being a weak link in a conversation. it's my boxed-in-over-time excuse that i tell myself when i lack social achievment, not to say that that's always the case).

 

helping my brother would be hard. every time i think about it (and I do think about it), it seems as hopeless as converting a drug addict by myself. yet to mention the amount of trust i have for him. he lies so much i think he believes himself (may be why he ignores his status quo after an argument). either way, it affects my respect for him in a negative way.

 

but trying to help him has never been a new thought, only a failed one. i know there's some compromise that can be worked within our family so gradually that it seems natural. something tells me that should start with me. ironically, it's me trying to improve myself that's been internally disdaining my progress with the matter of trying to go through with a gradual compromise as i previously mentioned. it's agreeable that one should fix themselves over such a matter as mine before fixing one of an even greater magnitude that (to me) seems more like someone else's problem rather than the problem of the youngest person in the family.

 

as such, i'd like to help my family (in general) with the arguing. that's been the biggest problem for me to witness and has played a major role in the family's negative progress of it's own status quo. above all that, it's individually degrading, too.

[nottoogreen]

I am sure your dad is a great doctor, I asked as I was thinking about your brother receiving additional treatment. That your brother refuses treatment is common.

 

You mom and dad are very caring and loving and respectful of both of you, but as you feel, your brother is very hard to manage.

 

You are very sensitive and smart but you can't change to fix your brother! You have done much thinking already, and you can't solve the problem, thus you feel depressed. Please do be yourself and do not let it bring you down.

 

Here is some things I like you to learn and remember for your mental strength.

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

 

I have no further questions right now, have to think it through and will be in touch with my ideas tomorrow.

[KillTheSilence]

thanks nottoogreen. you've been a helluva lot more help than I expected

[nottoogreen]

thanks nottoogreen. you've been a helluva lot more help than I expected

Thank you KillTheSilence for your kind words of encouragement.

 

Firstly I like to look after you. Let's start with your self esteem. Your moderate expectations as expressed above demonstrate your considerable wisdom. Anyone reading this thread will say that you are a helluva young man. You deserve to be proud of yourself!

 

Please consider to take up some self defense or martial arts classes, this will give you more skills to (gently please) fend of your brother if necessary. It will also strengthen your mind and confidence.

 

Also you do not have to make undue compromise which hurts you.

 

About your brother, I am quite sure that he has low self esteem. He covers it well with his big mouth. Him doing drugs shows that too. Junkies DO have low self esteem. If he is addicted to drugs he must be treated. Forcably if necessary. He is 16, do not let him fail himself. He must get out of it soon.

 

I often see people wait in the hope that it will get better, it won't. Please consider: When we read your OP, we could have said to ourselves "he will get better". Well what use would that be?

 

Me thinks your family in a way follows this common thinking. OK, you hurt and think more.

 

Thus you have to get going and do what it takes. He likes it or not.

1. Drugs - treatment
   
2. Psych problems and ADD - treatment
   
3. Your whole family: love him, build him up - yeah that's hardest but it's what I do with you too
   

It's best to talk to mom and dad or if you like that better just dad man to man.

 

Please make mom and dad realize to act now or your family will hurt in the longrun. You could show mom and dad this thread?

 

Let us know how it goes please. If you have questions or need help, just ask.

[KillTheSilence]

btw he's on medical drugs. not anywhere near addiction considering how he fails to take them quite often.

 

thanks for the compliments

 

i've always thought about martial arts but have never really had time for them ](*,)

 

my school schedule is a little less hectic (i quit basketball cause our team wasn't much of a team at all) considering i'm only doing track and cross country (with a mix of marching band and working out at my local gym). Tae Kwon Doe sounded nice cause it's all about countering stuff.

 

i'll be posting my progress in my journal (anyone can comment in it. it's called KillTS's life or something like that)

 

and about showing my parents, they would flip out if they knew i was even on a message board like this. i disobey for my own reasons (and it helps), but it's not an option. I can think of a way to make the problem more noticeable though (without making it more stressful)

[nottoogreen]

Good to hear from you and you are welcome!

 

Hint: I got no TV, how else would I have time to be here.

 

I understand your situation, please gradually improve communication and understanding with your parents, after all you are helping the family.

 

I'll look for the yournal.

[nottoogreen]

... all i've really wanted from my dad was him accepting me for what I am and supporting the positive aspects of it ...

Which is an interesting point. And I strongly concur with your point!

 

We should find out why your dad differs.

 

Could it be that your dad "likes" your bro better for your bro's attitude?

 

Could it be that you are (in your dad's eyes) too complex, too soft, too (insert here)?

 

Could you elaborate please.

[KillTheSilence]

my dad is equal to my bro and me. he's very caring but a tad misunderstanding when it comes to who i really am and who i really want to be.

[nottoogreen]

Great,

 

Did you/bro go to the psychologist?

[KillTheSilence]

nope. i've never found a fitting time to even raise the subject. with school going on and everything i'm not to sure what to do...

 

i wish my dad would do what he says sometimes

[nottoogreen]

Well, let's hope you can manage better and influence people more.

 

... including convincing dad to send the two of you to the psychiatrist. However, IMHO, do not expect it to happen.

[KillTheSilence]

i will expect it to happen sometime in the near future. and when i say near, i mean within a month or so i'll give him the idea that i need to see one. 4 now, school....