How do you stop feeling for someone that seems to hate you?

[Mankind]

I really don't know if this would be the right section for this topic since it spans a few different areas. I just posted it here mainly because of what I am using as the thread title.

 

This is sort of a continuation of the other thread I made here a few months back. The detailed history of the situation is there, but for the purpose of this, details like that are largely irrelevent (still, if you've got some time spare and fancy a read, go nuts ). The relevent bits though are that I was rejected back in February by her (lets call her B). A couple of months ago I went to see her again as a friend. About 6/7 weeks ago I told her I still had feelings for her and then tried that whole NC thing... which I managed about a week with then I tried talking to her again, and after having a talk with her she basically said I'd made it too difficult to remain friends with her and she doesn't want to speak to me again. So yeah... I managed to drive the person I cared most for in this world to hating me and never wanting to speak to me again. The situation that couldn't possibly get worse... got worse. I was understandably extremely upset by the outcome of this.

 

A couple of weeks after this I started seeing another girl (lets call her C) that I met when I was out having some drinks with a friend. Got a phone number, met up a few days later, got drunk (not really the best idea I guess), sobered up somewhat, got together, and now I've been seeing her for just over a month. She's a nice girl, we get along well, she isn't bothered that I can't really go out with her much due to no job at the moment. When I first met her and we got talking I was thinking... well 'hey, she's nice, I like her' (well, putting it into words is difficult but you get the idea I'm sure). I thought about this and thought it would pan out as follows -

 

"I get over the B, I start to like C more, things just improve and everyone is happy"

 

So... yeah, we got together. After about a week I told her about the B, as I thought she should know how recent the previous situation was and it was still on my mind. She asked if I wanted to take a break but I said I'd be ok and I was just letting her know about it.

 

For the past few days I have been thinking about everything a lot. Things are not going as I thought they might I am not over B. Despite the fact that its 6 months since she rejected me and I drove her to hating me, I still feel for her, and I still want to be with her. And as a consequence what I feel for C hasn't actually gone much beyond what I thought when we first got talking. It's not developing into anything else. Which is making me think I'm probably going to have to break up with her since I don't want to hurt her.

 

But, with that information (I think thats everything)... why do I still feel for someone that hates me, and what would be a good way to deal with it? And furthermore, what do I do with the current girl I'm seeing?

[Beec]

You developed an emotional dependency on what you got from the ex. This is what we do when we fall for someone. The meet our emotional needs and wants, in some way. We enjoy that feeling, then once we have had it for a while, we grow to feel like we need it. We become addicted to it, like a drug. And it takes time to get over the addiction.

 

Take a break or keep thigns casual with the other girl. You can see her once in a while, but let her do what she wants otherwise. In this way, you won't screw up a possible future with her.

[charley]

I don't think B hates you. I think she just doesn't want to deal with you anymore. Hey, that's a lot better than hating you. However, it still means you've got to leave her alone for her own good and for yours. Forget about her.

 

You're just going to have to let B go and stop thinking about her.

 

That requires other people and activities. Also some self discipline and pride not to think of her. Seriously, you demean yourself when you think of B. It's been since February. It's long past time to move on. I don't intend to be harsh. I'm only saying this for your own good.

 

If C is the right person for you, she will help inspire you to forget B. However, I'd think that would have already happened. So perhaps C isn't the right person for you.

 

I think your age has much to do with this. As we get older we have more experiences to draw on. When I was 21 I was much like you. It took a really long time to get over any relationship breakup. Like maybe 6 months at your age. However, I'm 39 today (B-Day) and I realize that I can get over a breakup within a month. And I'm extra emotionally sensitive (for my age). Other guys my age (who I know) get over things faster than I do. My point is that even though our middles get softer as we age, our emotions toughen up a lot. They have to. I'm sure that time will help heal you. Also, as you get older, these things will probably get easier.

 

Do you have any guy friends? Personally, I have both guy friends and female platonic friends. Both are great in their own ways. Both can give advice in this sort of situation. The ladies are sympathetic, which can be helpful and nice, but sometimes what is needed is the company of a guy friend, or a group of them and the atmosphere they bring.

 

The guys aren't so sympathetic in these breakup situations. Instead, they'd tell me to quit whining and get ready to go out. Then they'd take me to the beach to look at about a zillion bikinis. That alone is great therapy. Guy friends might bring me to some other place where I'm likely to see a bunch of hot babes. They've brought me to "dance" clubs before to make me forget. FYI - I've never gone into one of those exotic dance places, except when guy friend(s) insisted. However, it was good therapy for a broken heart.

 

Truly, seeing a bunch of hot, barely dressed women will help you forget and force you to acknowledge that there are many other women out there. Once you see a few you are attracted to, that will help a lot.

 

Drinking is not needed and not good for you. Don't get drunk when unhappy.

 

You need to develope the attitude towards B that you don't care and couldn't be bothered. Have some pride.

 

You need to emotionally toughen up. Other guy friends are the best way to do that, IME. These guys don't have to be your age. When I was your age, I had guy friends my own age, but also older guys in their 30s and 40s were some of my best friends. Go out with your guy friends. They, and the places they'll bring you, will help you forget and not care about B.

 

Then you can start over fresh on your own (without a woman) for a while to let your head clear. Later you can start over with another woman.

 

Also, start excercising at least 5 days a week. This is a fantastic mood elevator.

[BillyJean714]

I think you should do girl C a favor and break up with her ASAP. No one should feel like a third wheel, especially when they're in a commited relationship with someone. It's obvious that you're in love with B, and she can sense it. She just doesn't want to point it out, because she probably doesn't want to create waves.

 

As for B, I don't see why she would hate you unless if she's totally annoyed by you, and really cannot stand you. Then I would see why she would hate you.

 

Give yourself some time to be single. By all means, do NOT get into another relationship with another girl just to get over someone else. Using people will only backfire on you. It's called "karma." Good luck!

[Mankind]

You developed an emotional dependency on what you got from the ex. This is what we do when we fall for someone. The meet our emotional needs and wants, in some way. We enjoy that feeling, then once we have had it for a while, we grow to feel like we need it. We become addicted to it, like a drug. And it takes time to get over the addiction.

 

Take a break or keep thigns casual with the other girl. You can see her once in a while, but let her do what she wants otherwise. In this way, you won't screw up a possible future with her.

 

Well, she's not my ex. We never actually got together, but I guess for the lck of a better word it works pretty well. What you say does sound somwhat right though. Prior to rejection my emotional need were met by her, and I'd felt like I'd met someone perfect for me. I don't know about addiction but when that was taken it sent me straight back to the emptiness I'd been in before. Still... February was a long time ago.

 

I don't think B hates you. I think she just doesn't want to deal with you anymore. Hey, that's a lot better than hating you. However, it still means you've got to leave her alone for her own good and for yours. Forget about her.

 

You're just going to have to let B go and stop thinking about her.

 

That requires other people and activities. Also some self discipline and pride not to think of her. Seriously, you demean yourself when you think of B. It's been since February. It's long past time to move on. I don't intend to be harsh. I'm only saying this for your own good.

 

She seemed like she hated me. Maybe she didn't but the end result was that she didn't want me as a friend anymore so I don't think it really makes that much difference. I don't see how I can just forget though... she was a very important part of my life. Part of the problem probably is lack of self discipline. Like I checked her blog earlier today. I knew it would make me feel worse, but I did anyway. I know I just brought that one on myself... I don't know what I was thinking really.

 

I think your age has much to do with this...

 

Probably... also, like you say, I'm rather emotionally sensitive no matter how well I can hide it. I generally don't let anyone in, so to speak. So to let someone in and have it go so badly makes it all the more worse. I guess when I'm 39 I'll be different, but thats further away than I can imagine right now.

 

.Do you have any guy friends? Personally, I have both guy friends and female platonic friends. Both are great in their own ways. Both can give advice in this sort of situation. The ladies are sympathetic, which can be helpful and nice, but sometimes what is needed is the company of a guy friend, or a group of them and the atmosphere they bring.

 

Yeah, I've got guy friends. And other female friends. Trouble is that so many people are busy right now and it's difficult to see many people. My lack of money at the moment means I can't go out much either. Guess it's just a bad time of year.

 

The guys aren't so sympathetic in these breakup situations. Instead, they'd tell me to quit whining and get ready to go out. Then they'd take me to the beach to look at about a zillion bikinis...

 

Theres nowhere like that to go where I live

 

You need to develope the attitude towards B that you don't care and couldn't be bothered. Have some pride.

 

You need to emotionally toughen up. Other guy friends are the best way to do that, IME. These guys don't have to be your age. When I was your age, I had guy friends my own age, but also older guys in their 30s and 40s were some of my best friends. Go out with your guy friends. They, and the places they'll bring you, will help you forget and not care about B.

 

Then you can start over fresh on your own (without a woman) for a while to let your head clear. Later you can start over with another woman.

 

Also, start excercising at least 5 days a week. This is a fantastic mood elevator.

 

Trouble is that I do care a lot. It really bothers me that I ended up losing her totally after everything. I was ok for a while... I just seem to have had a relapse over the past few days and it's really getting me down. Going out would be ok but lack of work (which I'm attempting to solve) and consequent lack of money makes it a little difficult.

 

I think you should do girl C a favor and break up with her ASAP. No one should feel like a third wheel, especially when they're in a commited relationship with someone. It's obvious that you're in love with B, and she can sense it. She just doesn't want to point it out, because she probably doesn't want to create waves.

 

As for B, I don't see why she would hate you unless if she's totally annoyed by you, and really cannot stand you. Then I would see why she would hate you.

 

Give yourself some time to be single. By all means, do NOT get into another relationship with another girl just to get over someone else. Using people will only backfire on you. It's called "karma." Good luck!

 

We didn't really talk about it in any great detail. So all she knows is that there was someone I felt for before her and that she'd stopped speaking to me about 2 weeks before we got together. Don't know if I'm actually in love with B or not really. I do feel for her... I guess the amount I go on about her does point to that though. Any kind of break up would have to wait a week though... she is away at the moment. Maybe she does sense it though... she hasn't tried talking about it since I told her so I don't know really.

 

As for B hating me... well, saying she doesn't want to be friends or talk to me anymore seems to indicate that really.

 

And I never got with C to try and get over B. That wasn't my reason. I liked her when I met her... I just thought everything would work better from then on but I guess I should have thought about it a bit more.

 

 

I guess just generally my whole current situation isn't great for something like this. I'm currently trying to find work (unsuccessfully as well since there is a distinct lack of work I can do available at the moment, and what I can do never gets back to me) so I have very little to do when I'm not typing up applications. I need to avoid casual spending at the moment so I can't go out much... generally rather depressing which I guess adds to all this and makes it worse.

[Anna.]

I don't think you have to stop loving somebody even if they do hate you. Your love for them is YOURS. You own that, not them. And it makes no difference how they feel, your love is justified and validated just because you feel it. I think it's powerful to know that.

[Mankind]

Maybe I don't have to stop feeling this way, but if she's not going to return what I feel (and never wanting to speak to me again is a pretty good indication that she never will) this is getting me nowhere and its eating away at me inside.

 

And then I get even more problems because I can't move on completey, making starting any new relationship a problem, as I'm now finding out. I don't think it really matters if its justified or not when nothing good can possibly come from it.

 

I'm just feeling somewhat messed up. I guess I just don't see how to let go of B... I can't just pretend I don't feel anything or turn off what I do feel for her. Which leaves me rather unsure of what to do

[Beec]

You will have to in time move on. Not much else to it. Try to move on. Mos of us have done it, it's not easy. I dated different women and still wanted an ex for a long time. Sooner or later, that faded.