Mankind

Maybe I don't have to stop feeling this way, but if she's not going to return what I feel (and never wanting to speak to me again is a pretty good indication that she never will) this is getting me nowhere and its eating away at me inside. And then I get even more problems because I can't move on completey, making starting any new relationship a problem, as I'm now finding out. I don't think it really matters if its justified or not when nothing good can possibly come from it. I'm just feeling somewhat messed up. I guess I just don't see how to let go of B... I can't just pretend I don't feel anything or turn off what I do feel for her. Which leaves me rather unsure of what to do

Well, she's not my ex. We never actually got together, but I guess for the lck of a better word it works pretty well. What you say does sound somwhat right though. Prior to rejection my emotional need were met by her, and I'd felt like I'd met someone perfect for me. I don't know about addiction but when that was taken it sent me straight back to the emptiness I'd been in before. Still... February was a long time ago. She seemed like she hated me. Maybe she didn't but the end result was that she didn't want me as a friend anymore so I don't think it really makes that much difference. I don't see how I can just forget though... she was a very important part of my life. Part of the problem probably is lack of self discipline. Like I checked her blog earlier today. I knew it would make me feel worse, but I did anyway. I know I just brought that one on myself... I don't know what I was thinking really. Probably... also, like you say, I'm rather emotionally sensitive no matter how well I can hide it. I generally don't let anyone in, so to speak. So to let someone in and have it go so badly makes it all the more worse. I guess when I'm 39 I'll be different, but thats further away than I can imagine right now. Yeah, I've got guy friends. And other female friends. Trouble is that so many people are busy right now and it's difficult to see many people. My lack of money at the moment means I can't go out much either. Guess it's just a bad time of year. Theres nowhere like that to go where I live Trouble is that I do care a lot. It really bothers me that I ended up losing her totally after everything. I was ok for a while... I just seem to have had a relapse over the past few days and it's really getting me down. Going out would be ok but lack of work (which I'm attempting to solve) and consequent lack of money makes it a little difficult. We didn't really talk about it in any great detail. So all she knows is that there was someone I felt for before her and that she'd stopped speaking to me about 2 weeks before we got together. Don't know if I'm actually in love with B or not really. I do feel for her... I guess the amount I go on about her does point to that though. Any kind of break up would have to wait a week though... she is away at the moment. Maybe she does sense it though... she hasn't tried talking about it since I told her so I don't know really. As for B hating me... well, saying she doesn't want to be friends or talk to me anymore seems to indicate that really. And I never got with C to try and get over B. That wasn't my reason. I liked her when I met her... I just thought everything would work better from then on but I guess I should have thought about it a bit more. I guess just generally my whole current situation isn't great for something like this. I'm currently trying to find work (unsuccessfully as well since there is a distinct lack of work I can do available at the moment, and what I can do never gets back to me) so I have very little to do when I'm not typing up applications. I need to avoid casual spending at the moment so I can't go out much... generally rather depressing which I guess adds to all this and makes it worse.

I really don't know if this would be the right section for this topic since it spans a few different areas. I just posted it here mainly because of what I am using as the thread title. This is sort of a continuation of the other thread I made here a few months back. The detailed history of the situation is there, but for the purpose of this, details like that are largely irrelevent (still, if you've got some time spare and fancy a read, go nuts ). The relevent bits though are that I was rejected back in February by her (lets call her B). A couple of months ago I went to see her again as a friend. About 6/7 weeks ago I told her I still had feelings for her and then tried that whole NC thing... which I managed about a week with then I tried talking to her again, and after having a talk with her she basically said I'd made it too difficult to remain friends with her and she doesn't want to speak to me again. So yeah... I managed to drive the person I cared most for in this world to hating me and never wanting to speak to me again. The situation that couldn't possibly get worse... got worse. I was understandably extremely upset by the outcome of this. A couple of weeks after this I started seeing another girl (lets call her C) that I met when I was out having some drinks with a friend. Got a phone number, met up a few days later, got drunk (not really the best idea I guess), sobered up somewhat, got together, and now I've been seeing her for just over a month. She's a nice girl, we get along well, she isn't bothered that I can't really go out with her much due to no job at the moment. When I first met her and we got talking I was thinking... well 'hey, she's nice, I like her' (well, putting it into words is difficult but you get the idea I'm sure). I thought about this and thought it would pan out as follows - "I get over the B, I start to like C more, things just improve and everyone is happy" So... yeah, we got together. After about a week I told her about the B, as I thought she should know how recent the previous situation was and it was still on my mind. She asked if I wanted to take a break but I said I'd be ok and I was just letting her know about it. For the past few days I have been thinking about everything a lot. Things are not going as I thought they might I am not over B. Despite the fact that its 6 months since she rejected me and I drove her to hating me, I still feel for her, and I still want to be with her. And as a consequence what I feel for C hasn't actually gone much beyond what I thought when we first got talking. It's not developing into anything else. Which is making me think I'm probably going to have to break up with her since I don't want to hurt her. But, with that information (I think thats everything)... why do I still feel for someone that hates me, and what would be a good way to deal with it? And furthermore, what do I do with the current girl I'm seeing?

Well... ended up sending that email a short while ago. Will probably end up regretting it, and I'm certainly rather fearful of any reply she is going to send. Guess this will be the beginning of this so called... no contact. it's rather depressing

I guess so... I'm just not sure about cutting contact with her. I do really enjoy talking to her and would miss her like crazy if I wasn't talking to her. I know I should, but I don't like not being able to speak with her I guess. I blocked her on MSN for a while yesterday but that lasted a matter of hours before I wanted to start talking to her. I know I should let go... I just really don't want to, since I've never met anyone that felt so right for me before. It just feels so difficult to move on when I don't really have anywhere to move to, you know? I really don't know if I've been clear with her or not, but I have been thinking about it since February really. Any time I tried to speak to her about it there was some reason I couldn't. So I've been waiting a while already and have thought about it a fair bit. I guess thats some of the point of the email... which I seem to keep amending now and then. Trying to sy exactly what I want. And yeah... she did seem sure she didn't want a relationship. But whenever I think about why, I always pin it down to the way I have acted during the time I spent with her, which isn't really how I normally act. I got so nervous and worked up I just can't seem to help acting a bit weird I think I need to ponder it some more. Thanks for the advice much appreciated. AlthoughI'm still damn confused I think

Ah, I see what you mean now. I wouldn't have said I was trying to force a relationship though... just trying to explain things, which I seem to inevitably fail at doing because I get myself so worked up. She wouldn't take advantage of me making myself vunerable though though, if that is what I was doing. I guess I can see what you mean about the guilty appearing too. I was informed by a mutual friend that she'd said she felt bad about rejecting me because she upset me. Apparently I took it badly and dealt with it badly, although I fail to see how you can really take something like that without being obviously upset by it. I guess I can see how we'd both end up frustrated by it all too I don't really know if I've been clear with her or not... I sometimes find it really difficult to express my feelings about whatever, I guess my main issue is that I still don't understand why this all went so badly when it looked like a sure thing I can't understand why it was so wrong in person and why she gave up what seemed to be relatively easily after what she'd said to me

It seems to me like it is totally over, as much as I don't want it to be. Yeah, she gave me another chance after our first meeting but beyond that she really didn't seem interested. I guess I've been holding onto the slim hope that maybe something could still come from this. Thinking that maybe if there was something I could do that might make her start to veiw me the way she used to, then maybe things would start to take a different direction. I suppose I do need to talk to her though. I'm not sure about calling her though... and I don't think I really have a way with words. I can only make things seem good in writing when I have a chance to think about it really. When I'm put on the spot, I seem to get myself worked up and say any old rubbish, most of which isn't very helpful. But, she only seems to value me as a friend... we did have mutual feelings before we met, but once she met me she didn't feel anything for me anymore. It was just one sided. So I guess there is plenty to wory about I'm not even sure if there will be a next time for us to meet. She'll be out of the country from August to mid October, and she seems to have a lot to do before then. I mentioned meeting again before she went travelling but she seemed rather unsure, so it doesn't look too likely. I just can't see anything good that came from this... its probably one of the biggest disappointments of my life, and the most upsetting thing I've had to deal with for a while. I still haven't sent her the email... it's just floating around on my PC at the moment doing nothing. I'm not sure I understand what yumean by this could end up in a bad relationship though

I'm not really sure what exactly was good about this. It just seemed to be a huge disappointment for me. and I really feel like I will never find anyone special. Any time befre where I have feelings for anyone, they are never returned. I thought this would be different because of what we said to each other before meeting, but guess I was a huge disappointment in real life. I just really felt like things would work out for us, which would have made a really nice change to everything that had happened before. I felt so sure this would work and we could be happy together, but as usual everything just goes horribly wrong. I did end up typing an email for her, but I haven't decided whether I should send it. Seems to be currently in the form of - mentioning the weekend and how I'd hoped to get more time with her - telling her I still have feelings for her - pointless nostalgic rant about what happened between us, how much it meant to me and what I think of her - telling her I don't want to settle for just being her friend, I don't think I can settle for that which then leads onto some sort of "goodbye, don't know if I'll ever be able to speak to you again but hope sometime that I can" which all seems to be broken up with continual apoligising and acknowledging that she'll probably hate me. I just don't know whether to send it to her or not... an even if I do send it to her, I've never been very good at this... sent a similar thing to someone else a few years back and I think I managed about a day before I was trying to talk to her again

I guess you are right. It just hurts so much to let her go because I really don't want to. I really wanted this one to work out and after everything she said to me I didn't see any way that it could go wrong. I was skeptical at first, but after talking on the phone to her I didn't see how it could go wrong. I really wish that this could have worked out. I'm currently typing up an email to her... whether I will send it or not remains to be seen.

It started off well... we met up with some of her friends and went out to this expo thing. Met people from Star Trek... it was great. Then we went back to her flat... I was relatively content with th day so far. And was looking forward to now getting to spend some time with her. The trouble was, this other friend ended up coming over, plus all her flatmates were there too. And this friend ended up staying the night there also... So I dindn't get much time where it was just us at all. Total time was probably about 3 hours, nearly all of which was located on the London underground (not exactly somewhere you can talk easily). I kinda felt like she didn't much care that I was there... as well as feeling somewhat unwanted too. Everyone there was friends with each other, and then there was just me. Feeling like some kind of outsider. Not part of the group. I just really wanted to spend some time with her while I was there, time without other people. I also managed to start getting emotional when I said goodbye at the coach station. She's going to be out of the country from the beginning of August till mid October... and I don't know if I'm going to be able to see her again before then... Then when she gets back she's got to deal with finding work and she's moving back with her family in Surrey. I feel like I may never see her again, which really upsets me. I feel so lost right now... no idea what to do. Before we met, I really felt like I was finally going to find happiness. Like nothing that happened before mattered anymore, because I would get her. And following the tradition of my life I lost this chance like all the others. And for some reason I just can't seem to let go of her. I've never met anyone that seemed so right for me before.

Yeah, guess I can't exactly plan this one. And I'm not really trying to be how she wants me, I'm just trying to relax, be myself and hope that maybe if I can manage that much, then possibly she'll start to view me differently. I've been been so nervous and shy when I've been with her so far, and acted somewhat differently to the way I normally act around people. I know this whole online thing can lead to disaster too... hell, this was not supposed to happen. I didn't really have any hopes at first, but with all the things she was saying I did get them up. And I know I'm probably not going to get any kind of relationship out of this, I'd just like to be able to get something this time. And I should be able to have a good time with her. I love being around her... shouldn't really need to cancel the meeting, and with the tickets already paid for now, don't really want to have spent that money and get nothing Ah well... with exams over maybe I can start going out again and try to meet people if this London trip is a total disaster. Gah, I really need to stop getting myself into messes like this.

Hate to double post but I guess I need to update. Been talking to her again, and sorted out the trip to see her. Exams will be all finished this week, I'm heading down to see her first thing Saturday, coming back Sunday. Part of me feels like this is an outstandingly bad idea. I'm just not really sure what to do. I really can't predict how this is going to work out at all. I guess all I'm holding onto right now is that maybe if I can avoid acting the way I have done previously, maybe she will start to view me the way she used to and maybe something can still come from this. Slim, utterly stupid hope, and I don't know why I am still holding onto it after nearly 3 months. Guess I just can't shed the overall feeling that this outcome was just wrong and it's entirely my fault for being such an idiot around her. So I guess the point of this is... well, any advice, tips and such? I really can't think of any way to plan for this one

I guess trying a message again could work. Last time I did that was a day or 2 after she rejected me so it was rather emotion fueled and apparently somewhat aggressive (not in a big way, just the general tone), which lead to a conversation that wasn't exactly pleasant and then us not talking for a while. It's just difficult to deal with something like this when there are finals to deal with too... to much revsion and too many exams. Looks like I will be going to see her again in a couple of weeks though once the exams are over, and spending the weekend down there. I guess I'm going to have to go there and just deal with it as it happens. I dunno... if I try looking at this rationally then I think I'm being an idiot for not taking no as a final answer. I just can't seem to help thinking that maybe if I could relax and be myself around her then maybe things would be different though.

So, It all began last November. I was busying myself on a forum, as you do, when I got a random message from a girl who also uses said forum. So we get talking, and before long we end up talking most days. So it comes round to xmas time, and I am back at my parents place for a couple of weeks... I tell her I'll probably not be online as much as normal for a while, and she decides to give me her phone number. so we start texting each other, and at this point I start thinking that I quite like her. Now, a forum meet up was planned for sometime in Februrary, so it didn't seem like a huge problem. My reasoning at this point was that I'd meet her then, I'd see what happens, maybe ask her out. Didn't seem like a bad idea. We'd also discussed just us two meeting up sometime, which started as moe of a joke but gradullly gained some seriousness from somewhere. I wasn't too emiotionally attached at this point, it just seemed like and option that might be there... we'd discussed the possiblity of maybe not geting on so well in person too. I didn't see it as a problem, but it seemed to be on her mind. So, xmas end, we all head back to uni, and things resume as normal with the talking online. Only she seems like she's now dropping hints at something. One of the things she said that really stuck in my mind was that she sometimes finds herself daydreaming about me in lectures. My initial though is that it sounds as if she likes me, but I soon figure I'm reading into it too much, or taking this the wrong way. Then maybe a couple of weeks later I decide to actually phone her. It goes well, we chat for about half an hour before my phone runs out of credit. Later that evening she comes online, and I ask her if she's still worried we won't get along. Shes says she's more concerned about "exactly how well we will get along". I'm left thinking "w t f?" at this... sounds as if she likes me, but again, I figure I'm reading into it too much. I ask her what she means, she just says nevermind. I ponder this for a day, then directly ask her again. Basically, we end up admitting we both quite like each other. A few days later I invite her to visit me in a couple of weeks, she says yes. In the meantime we keep talking, and on another evening I phone her. We talk on the phone for 4 hours. I don't know how we talked for that long, but we did. I've never wanted to talk to someone for that long before. So we meet up, and I successfully manage to do my usual thing of getting shy/nervous ect. around her, and seem to strugle with making conversation. Not that I don't want to talk to her, just so much to deal with.. pessure was too much I think... never met an online friend before, so that is weird enough. When I realise I feel the same way in person... gah, I just get so shy. Anyway, I realise I want to talk to her bout how we feel, but for some reason I just can't. Not until about 30 minutes before she leaves. She says' she's unsure and not really feeling anything, which is unsurprising given the way I've been with her. So she leaves... seems like this was all an utter disaster. It's about a week before I get to talk to her about it all again, and she says I haven't put her off me, she just didnt know what to think with me being that shy and she feels like she needs to see what I'm like when I'm not so shy. Then we get to this forum meet... I decide I need to be more confident with her, course I'm still shy when I'm around her. So what we get is a shy man pretending he;s confident, which loosely translates to me overdoing it bit and making her feel uncomfortable. Which consequently leads to her saying she doesnt think there can be anything between us. I'm pretty much crushed by this point. I go home, we talk a bit online about this, then stop talking for a while. We've been talking about the past few weeks and I asked if she's like to meet again. I intended this in a friendly capacity, she said yes, then I realised I still liked her... which puts me here. (damn that is long... so sorry for the length of that) So, I'm not sure what to do now. I'm possibly seeing her again in a couple of weeks (no definate dates yet). Have tried phonig her to talk to her, but with exams at the moment, it's ifficult to really find time to have a talk, and I didn't want to dump too much on her just before her exams started, just seems that every time I think abut why this didn;t work out, I get the same conclusion - I acted like an idiot one way or another, made her view me as a vastly different person, and put her off me. Part of me thinks that maybe if I could relax around her, maybe she'd view me the way she used to and something could still happen. Maybe it's just my inability to let go of her though... but when I think about it, nobody else has ever made me feel the way she did... guess she made me feel like i actually meant something to her, just by always wanting to talk to me. And I was postive that this would work out... just not entirely sure what to do about all this. My heart seems to have an inability to let go of her (I sewar, any normal person wouldn't be like this 3 months after rejection), I really want to give this one last shot, to see if maybe she could view me the way she used to. Really not sure what to do about this one at the moment Sorry about all this inconsistent ranting and venting...