lost her due to pain inflicted by her ex (long)

[whatthehell]

LDR -A year and a half. Yes there's something to that time span...

I'm from New York. I met her while on a trip to Chicago (she lives there with her parents). She is 30, just graduated, and I'm 35. We hit it of instantly and became a couple 2 months later.

 

We would have little disagreements but nothing that couldn't be fixed with some talking.

 

After about 8 mos, she began to get irritable with me. Impatient. She revealed that her ex, who now lives in California and is a successful upcoming actor, used to hit her, and even held a gun to her head in an argument. They broke up after she asked his mom to intervene and eventually, he stopped speaking to his mother. She blames herself and has been feeling guilt for that ever since.

 

She says that this situation has not allowed her to move on and want to be loved.

 

By the winter time, she would be even more irritable and complaining to me that she could no longer play the girlfriend/wifey role in front of everyone when she is feeling all this pain.

 

A couple of other things contributed to this: I introduced her to my family way too soon, and I displayed insecurities at times as well. On top of all of this, she was completing her final year of college. This brought on way too much pressure for her to deal with.

 

After a strained and tension filled Graduation day, we had another talk, where she reiterated that she needed space and time. She couldn't "go on this way". Especially with me wanting the kind of relationship that she saw as smothering. She wanted to be able to fix the situation with her ex and his mother, without me hovering over her.

 

We began limited contact in June and July: I wouldn't call her she would call me. I didn't bring up our issues at all. She would be depressed and call me.

We went from speaking everyday in the beginning of our relationship, to speaking every other day (school for her, work for me) to this point of one call every week or so.

 

Then, she was dropping hints that she didn't want to stay and teach in chicago since no one seems to be hiring, but she didn't say anything about New York either. Her parents are retiring to Louisiana and they want her to come with them if she can't find anything. She has said she may do that but only as a last resort.

 

We share a phone calling card but I have access to the customer service number. She was indeed calling his mom, and trying to get him to call her. I figured this out from the duration of these calls. I am not proud of having done that, but I had to know something after all this LC/NC.

 

Finally Sunday July 23rd , we speak and she begins telling me that she wants to start sending her resume out to other states...I lost it. I asked her "what the hell are we doing? I'm tired of hearing from you every 2 weeks, not knowing what is going to happen to us!!!" She began speaking about us in the past tense "I got sick and tired of arguing over little sh*t. I told you i didn't want to keep hurting you when we were together because of the ex situation." We got off the phone.

 

I checked the phone card and she immediately made a call to her parents who were vacationing in Louisiana. And interstingly a one minute call to Florida (????) the following saturday.

 

I haven't heard from her since that last conversation, after I left 2 messages yesterday and today.

 

I may have ruined my last chance at seeing her since my mom invited her to come to NY once her parents return from Louisiana. I'm reeling, help me anyone. Objectivity please............

[Beec]

Look, you let her know that what was happening was not enough. AND you havecalled twice and left messages. Now, leave her alone.

 

You cannot convince her to come back to you. It can only come from her feelings. If she is not feeling it, then you need to leave her alone, and maybe think about how she would need to feel to want to come back.

[whatthehell]

Look, you let her know that what was happening was not enough. AND you havecalled twice and left messages. Now, leave her alone.

 

You cannot convince her to come back to you. It can only come from her feelings. If she is not feeling it, then you need to leave her alone, and maybe think about how she would need to feel to want to come back.

 

I know and i agree. But it's starting to look as if she is trying to disappear forever without giving us some closure at least. That hurts the most.

[Beec]

Yes, but it hurting is about how you feel. How you feel will not bring her back or get her to do anything.

 

Read hockeyboy's thread of today.

 

And if you really want to get her back, then you need to learn how to work with her feelings.

 

As an aside, the common wisdom is often that we should tell people how we feel about them, because that will make some difference. That is a selfish idea really. How is it that because I enjoy drinking one beer, that you should too? How is it that because I am a Yankee fan, you should be too? My feelings are not a good reason for you feeling the same way or any way. How I treat you, or you treat her, is a reason that feelings may change. So, how would she need to feel in order to want to pick up and move here to be with you? How do you get her to feel that way?

[whatthehell]

By giving her exactly what she wants right now. Time away from me. After reading posts on this site I know that is the only thing that would work for both of us at this point. I've become meaningless in her life right now

[brando]

Beec,

 

i liked your last post here. Good. Not everyone stops to look at things this way. Glad to see you back.

[whatthehell]

I will be practicing no contact. it's funny but i thought i was doing that all last week when we didn't speak thinking: I'll leave her alone for a few days then call her back. Now it seems the choice was hers either way.

 

I am embarrassed by what my friends and family will think. I was so certain that we were going to last and i said as much to anyone who would listen.

 

the second call i made, although it was a veiled attempt at speaking with her, was to ask her to email me the art files I need for my class on Friday.

 

Hopefully she'll just send them, no message.