is it a break or break up

[spelbound]

a little over a month ago, my sweetheart had requested that we take I break. Now I suggested it, because I felt as if he was pulling away. I noticed that he was becoming distant from me.

 

In the beginning of our relationship, I had a hard time opening up to him because there was a significant age difference. But after a few months, I started to feel more secure in the person. Finally, one month before we broke up, I opened up completely to him. He had asked me to "Never let me go" One month later, he chooses a break.

 

I do have to mention that he is currently dating someone else, almost three days after our break- up. Again, with someone considerably older than he. He is aslo so wrapped up in the club scene, club drugs, and works out every day.

 

We had an argument about a month ago, and have not really spoken to each other for over a month, although we see each other at the gym occaisionally, and we have "small talk"

 

I told him that we had been through so much together, and to turn our back on each other would be a mistake. He just tells me that hes not avoiding me, just taking some time.

 

I miss him incredibly, although, I am not suffering like many...my self esteem is still good, and I know that I will get through this. But everytime I turn around, and try to do things for myself...I start to think of him, and it hurts alot.

 

I miss him so much. But I feel I need to give him his space. I make no contact with him, and I dont ever want to pressure him on anything.

 

I do want him back.

 

What should I do, is this a relationship I have to face the end of. Do I have to let go, and how does one let go when there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

 

I want to wait till he opens the door to me, if he ever does. Until then, I will leave him alone. I am doing alot for him...but its hurting at the same time.

 

I am not afraid that I wont get over this. I have been here before. But I just want to know if this is a break or a break up. I have tried to get this answer out of him during that argument, but he could not answer.

 

Please help

 

Thanks

[Princess777]

Greetings Spelbound,

 

It sounds to me like one of two things - 1) He was falling in love with you and got scared because you both revealed some feelings that made him feel vulnerable, or 2) He is not ready for commitment and doesn't want to mislead you. In the case of number 1, I believe that a lot of men get "scared" when they start to fall. However, I think that if someone is mature enough and truly in love with you and really wants to make it work, that they will face that fear instead of running because they know the rewards will outweigh the scary parts and they wouldn't want to take the chance of losing you. In the case of number 2, maybe he knows he is not ready for a commitment, and feels bad for letting it go as far as it did, or he is 'testing' his feelings, hence the dating with the other person. My advice to you would be to try to enjoy yourself as much as possible, maybe date someone else that you're interested in, or even just as a friend, or hang out with other friends to get your mind off him. This is a dual edged strategy in the way that it will help you know that you can live without him if need be, plus it sends a signal to him that you just might not be available later on when he is done running around. His drug use is alarming to me and I hope you do not choose that path. It sounds like he is very concerned with his appearance and probably tries to impress people. This is usually a sign of low self esteem. Drug use is directly related to the person hiding something, i.e. fear, anger, guilt, etc. Think about that for awhile too, to figure out why he does drugs. You didn't mention how long you were together so I can't really give you much more advice.... I hope some of this helps? Let me know.

Princess777

[lipstick]

Move on............................

start dating..................

he left so some space , but instead he is dating someone else......

who needs that old buster any way.......................

[slider]

I am in the same position as you. Ex g/f seeing someone else right after the breakup. In my eyes, this is definitely a break up. The best thing for you to do is to move on. I know it's difficult after spending so much time together but it'll get easier. Take it in stride, move on, don't bother him, date someone else only if you feel you're ready and not out of spite for your ex. If you can't date right now, that's normal. If he does realize that you are the one for him later, he'll try to come back. The trouble is that by that time, you may not want him back. Can you honestly tell yourself that he was "the one"? Or, are you wanting him back now only because he is with someone else? Wanting that person back is the normal response when the ex has someone else. Since you issued the first break, I thought I'd ask. I know my feelings only changed when I found out that my ex was seeing someone else (only then I wanted her back) and knew I had to deal with the possibility that I may never be with her again. It's much more difficult that way, I know what you're going through. My advice to you would be to: 1) move on, don't call, write, email, etc. Don't wait for something that may never come back. 2) Keep busy. Hit the gym. Go places with lots of guys just to flirt and get attention. Take your mind off this situation. 3) Stay positive, never rule out the fact that you can have something better. If you see your ex at the gym be friendly, appear happy and exude confidence. Independence is attractive.

 

hope this all helps.

[spelbound]

I forgot to mention that we had been together for over a year. I also want to mention, that I am not interested in going the route of drugs myself. This is something I dont agree with for myself, but understand that I cannot force that on others. He was a good person, however, I know he does not deserve to be put on a pedestal. I was proud to be with him, and still am proud to know him. I have decided to leave him alone, and I feel there are things that he is going through. I know I have no control over what he does, and I think that because of his age, there are things that he needs to experience, and mistakes he needs to make.

 

Is it wrong to be there for him? Is it wrong to believe that once these feelings of abandonment that I have have dried up, that I can be there for him. I promised him that I would always. I think I can eventually handle the break up...I am pretty mature. Like I have said, I have been here before.

 

Thanks for all of your replies.

[Princess777]

That's got to be hard for you since you were together for a year. I'm glad to hear that the drug scene is not for you. It's understandable that you still want to be there for him. I don't think it's wrong to be there for him as a friend. But I wouldn't go out of your way to be. If he calls upon you and is in need of advice or an ear, sure, but I would not let it go any further than that unless he proves to you over time that he wants you back for good and shows that he has his priorities straight. You sound like a mature individual who can deal with emotions well, even when the going gets rough. Good luck to you!

 

Princess777

[zerohour]

I agree with everything slider has to say here.

 

It is definitely a break up, he just didn't have the courage (and still doesn't) to tell you flat out. That's one thing that causes a ton of heartache in the world. If nothing else, see it as a lesson for future breakups of your own: don't leave the other person hanging. They deserve more than that.

 

-Zer0