Jealous of like, every other girl.

[SunflowerFields]

Hi guys.

 

Alright, well, here's the story.

I've always had a very low outlook on myself. I've always had low self esteem and low self confidence. And now, it's taking a toll on me because I'm in a relationship and I'm always petrified my boyfriend is going to fall in love with someone else, or think someone else is more attractive than me, or attractive, period. I love him so much, and it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach thinking about if there was any possible chance that he might find someone the LEAST bit attractive in any way, or fall for them, etc. He tells me constantly that he won't fall in love with anyone else, he will never think that anyone is more attractive, and that he doesn't look at other girls, and I believe him. And, we've gotten into fights over it which makes me believe it even more, because I figure, why would he get that upset over me feeling that way if he wasn't telling the God-honest truth?

 

(I know a lot of you are probably thinking, every guy/person looks at other people, and that it's human nature...well not in this case. He's not the type to do that so please don't tell me that.

 

Anyway, we just got into an argument about it now. We might be going to California next summer together with his family, and he's talking about visiting Huntington Beach for the skateboarding benefits they have there that are different from where we live. I got upset and started thinking he was going to be looking at other girls, and he flipped out at me and we got into a fight about it. It isn't that I think he's gonna be looking, but just the fact that there are girls like that around, period, (I hate him being exposed to stuff like girls in bikinis and stuff like that) and I get the thought in my head that like, one of those girls will be the exception and he will find them attractive or something. I have a habit of anticipating the worst in things like this, no matter how outrageous it may be.

 

What I'm asking for is advice on the situation. Not just the thing about the beach but just in general, about everything. It's really important to me that I fix this problem because I HATE thinking the way I do...it hurts me, it hurts my boyfriend, it hurts our whole relationship and I really want to put an end to what comes from it all. I'm at the verge of tears right now and I really want someone's input on the topic. Any suggestions you have on how to talk myself out of thinking this way, or anything like that will help. Thank you for reading all of this, and thank you for your responses in advance.

[Starfall]

There are attractive people everywhere. You can't make the poor guy wear blindfolds the rest of his life. (That was supossed to make you laugh and cheer you up) Yes, there are people out there more attractive than you are. Yes, there may be people with nicer hair, nicer skin, nicer everything. He's with you because of YOU. No one else has that special quality you possess, no matter how attractive they are. He is with you because you are attractive, and loves being with you.

 

You must work on loving yourself. Yes, this is hard... I've been insecure most of my life as well. I've ruined a lot of relationships because of my fears. Please don't do this. If you loose him, it won't be to a girl who is more attractive.. but one that is more confident with herself. Don't ruin it and when you feel insecure, don't take it out on him. Trust me. Trust him until he proves otherwise. You have nothing to be afraid of.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

A little bit of jealousy is normal and natural. But you do have to express your concern, but then also just let him go. Not until you have some reason to believe there is a problem, do you need to set off the alarms. If he does start to display interest in other girls, then you have a right to have a problem with it.

 

Conversely, if you were not at all concerned about his interest in other girls, then he should (if he's smart) be wondering why.

[SunflowerFields]

Thank you both SO much...you really helped a lot. I showed him what you two said and he agreed with all of it.

 

Thank you again, I really appreciate it!

[Starfall]

You're welcome! You are a beautiful girl... start believing it.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

You bet...Just move on...chin up...if he does show interest in other girls...that's a problem.....till then just live your life and have fun together.

[SunflowerFields]

Thanks.

[Psylocke960]

I used to worry about this when I was a teen but as I got older, it definitely has subsided. It's a fact that there are always going to be more beautiful, smarter, taller, funnier men/women out there but honestly, what can you do? I mean, I'm only 5'1" and there are so many times I wish I just had a couple of more inches. There's nothing I can do about my height so I just have to accept it. I've always had horrible skin since I was a teen but currently I'm on the birth control that helps to have clearer skin and I'm also using Proactiv. So, at least I'm trying to do something about that.

 

Anyway, obviously your boyfriend loves you for who you are. If you continue with this negative thinking, he might lose you to a girl who not necessarily is more attractive, but who has more confidence (as Starfall mentioned) and not constantly arguing about it to him. It might get to the point where he won't be able to put up with it anymore. So learn to trust him especially if he has not done anything to make you think otherwise.

 

What I do to feel more confident is take my best feature (my hair) and use it to my advantage. I feel like I can conquer the world when I'm having such a good hair day! So, take your best features/qualities and use it to boost your self esteem and make you feel better about yourself and your relationship. Be positive and think about all the good reasons on why your boyfriend loves you!

[handsdown]

I had this problem too in the beginning with my boyfriend. It was such a horrible feeling and I got into bad habits of not eating, fretting over my clothing, hair and makeup for hours and completely losing it when it wasn't "perfect". I was a mess and even though my boyfriend was very supportive and repeatedly told me how beautiful I was to him, I never believed a word.

 

Only after having a long talk with a really close and very insightful friend that I realized that, yes, this behavior is going to really hurt my relationship if it continues. He asked me "Why waste the time you spend with the one you love, fretting about whether or not he thinks someone else is better than you?" It really helped me to realize I was being very foolish.

 

So everyday I looked in the mirror and before I started on the list of things I hated about my appearance I reminded myself of the things that my boyfriend has told me he thinks are beautiful, and you know, it really helped.

 

I'm never going to be "the best" and it even bothers me now to admit it, but there is going to always be someone with something better. To him though, I will always be the best and that's all that counts. Don't push away your boy, accept that he accepts you through and through, don't you accept him and all his faults? I bet you don't even see his at all, but he has them, everyone is human, and unique and special!!

 

Remember "every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back" Take each day as it comes, and remind yourself that you are beautiful because you are you and there is noone else who is like you anywhere, and noone who is better in your lover's eyes!

 

Cheers!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Oh Lord.

 

I feel very sorry for you and your boyfriend.

 

I have the same problem, except that I squash it down and repress it instead of actively trying to do something about it. In the past, I have found that "building up me" has helped - ie, developing my own life not defined by relationships or appearances. Figure out stuff you can do for you, completely unrelated to your lovelife and what you look like. Develop yourself for you on a spiritual/intellectual level.

[RayKay]

The fact is, there will always be people whom have some qualities that are "more appealing" to some - there will always be women whom are taller, smarter, thinner, curvier, with better teeth, or with a greater sense of humour - whatever. But honestly, none of them really should matter. Because you are a whole package, not just a list of attributes that others can come in and take away or somehow "beat" because they are their own whole packages too.

 

However, these insecurities will destroy your relationship...you boyfriend should not have to feel as if he has to prove all the time you are the one for him, or that he is blind to anyone else out there. I am sure he realizes there are other attractive women in the world, it does not mean he wants them, or would choose them over you, or that he does not think YOU are the most beautiful to him.

 

Eventually, he will maybe grow tired of all the reassuring, and insecurity, and lack of trust, and yes....move on or find himself wishing to be with someone with more confidence in themself (even if they are 'less attractive' in your eyes than you).

 

Look, I love who I am. It was not always that way, I battled anorexia for years, and serious self esteem issues. But now, I totally accept who I am, flaws and all. I can't change my height or my 'foundation' structure - though I can be the best ME I can be with good eating and exercise, pursuing my education, goals, my passions and interests. I am more than how I look, though at the same time I am proud of how I look as I work hard to keep myself in shape.

 

And, I actually appreciate myself more because I AM unique, I AM me. I used to hate my freckles with a passion for example, I wanted to bleach them away, because they were not what I thought was "beautiful". I wanted my pale skin to turn into a tan overnight. But now...I appreciate my cute freckles, I love that my skin is smooth and pale. I work hard to preserve my skin and keep the sun damage away!

 

I know my boyfriend can look at other women in the world, talk to others whom may be "prettier", but I also KNOW that he sees me as more than flesh and bones. I am a whole person, his partner, his lover, his friend...and that he seems me as the most beautiful woman in the world. Before I was confident in myself though, I would never have believed it. You have to love yourself, before you can accept that others love you for YOU too.

 

I think maybe right now you put so much weight on the physical aspect, and are neglecting the WHOLE person you are mentally & spiritually. And honestly, that will leave you less and less confident as you feel all you have to offer is physical. Develop the whole package, and you will be more beautiful because TRUE attraction and beauty does come from within. Even a model can be unattractive if they have an "ugly" personality, and the most "plain" person can be a magnet for men/women because of the confidence she has and the personality she puts forward into the world.

[SunflowerFields]

Thank you all so much for your helpful posts...I appreciate you guys spending the time to help me.

[iamtheone]

RayKay always speaks wisely. I'm a pale skinned redhead too (but not many freckles)- I'm ashamed to say I have starved myself into a stick before- and changed my hair colour- but I learnt from it, and now I appreciate myself for what/who I am.

 

Rock Chick, irregardless of insecurity destroying your relationship, it will destroy you if it is not tackled. You're a young woman, you deserve to feel confident about yourself and who you are. You sound almost identical in your worries to how I used to feel- I've been diagnosed with depression. Even if you are not 'technically' diagnosed with depression, low self-esteem is not something you have to put up with. You can change it- perhaps talking to a counsellor about some of your worries would help. For me, gaining self-esteem was about realising who I am--not who a bottle blonde starved stick is (what I starved myself into)--I used to think 'I know who I am, and I don't like it' - once I stopped trying to change myself into what I THOUGHT people would like, I realised I WAS someone worthy all along.

[SunflowerFields]

Thank you, iamtheone...I'll definitely be working on that. I just wish it was easier to do so.

[miserableme]

Alright, I don't know what to say about your boyfriend but I saw a pic you posted of yourself not long ago and you are absolutely stunning. Such a pretty girl. I think it's such a shame that you have the looks but don't have the confidence to see it. Hopefully it will come as you get older.

[SunflowerFields]

Alright, I don't know what to say about your boyfriend but I saw a pic you posted of yourself not long ago and you are absolutely stunning. Such a pretty girl. I think it's such a shame that you have the looks but don't have the confidence to see it. Hopefully it will come as you get older.

 

Wow, thank you so much for the compliment, that just boosted my self esteem a little. Hopefully I will gain confidence soon like you said, because it's so frustrating being so low on it.

[SunflowerFields]

Thank you so much for that, you have some really good points.

 

I think part of the reason why I can't chill out over stuff like this is because I don't see a point in trying...like it'd be a waste of time or something, probably because I felt so lowly about myself for so long. Hopefully making lists of things I like about myself like you mentioned will help a little bit...I'll definitely try that.

 

Thank you again.