What to do and how to read your ex to reconcile..

[Captain34]

These forums have been a refuge for me when I think about my ex, but yet I still feel like they are lacking when it comes to specific situations. First and foremost, how can No Contact be applied to situations where you will undoubtedly run into your ex in social situations? I'm looking for insight into this dilemma because I am personally facing it and want to figure out the best gameplan for reconciliation. Next, and this is for the ladies out there, what signs should be interpreted that your ex is having second thoughts? Specifically, if your ex girl is still telling herself that the breakup was for the better, but you are sure that her emotions are getiing to her, are there any subtle signs that she is having an internal struggle between her emotions and rational side?

 

If you are pretty sure that this is happening what is the best approach to move towards reconciliation?

 

To give a brief synopsis, my ex broke it off with me after a 1.5 year relationship (she broke it off once and i deserved it, but we got back together a few months later) about a month ago. Although I tried to still show her I cared, I DID NOT make teh classic mistake of being needy by pressuring her or saying that I loved her, blah blah blah. A week ago my ex saw me with another woman who is more attractive than she is, and for the last week I have seen in several ways that this upset her greatly. I know that she believes I am moving on...which I am, but I still do want her back. This new girl was actually the same one I had been seeing just before I got back with my ex, so I felt right to email her and make clear that NOTHING had been going on when I was with my ex. She responded a couple hours later via email telling me that it hurt her, but that she loves to see I am moving on. I think that is her pride talking..what do you ladies think?? I ran into her last night at a party, smiled and made eye contact when she walked in, but I did not make any further attempt to recognize her or talk to her the rest of the night. I saw her looking at me twice for the next hour, she saw my brother who was there and said it was great to see him and gave him a hug, and when I walked past her to leave without recognition she went up to one of my housemates and told him he should hook up with her friend who was in town - I am assuming at my place. A friend of hers also surprisingly brought up the fact that we had dated in a conversation with me, to which I responded: "I care about her, but it wasn't meant to be". Can any of you enotaloners provide any insight??

 

Basically I am trying to move forward to the point where this breakup is not consuming me, which will and has allowed me to give other women a chance. However, I still without a doubt want my ex back, and sometimes I am afraid that I appear to be moving on too fast or too far to prevent reconciliation from my end.

 

Best wishes to you all, keep your heads and spirits up!!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why did you and your ex break up in the first place? If you want to get back with your ex, you should not be seeing another woman. It is not fair to this other woman. I notice that you mentioned that this new woman is more attractive than your ex. Is that why you are dating her? You just broke up a month ago and you are already dating someone else....who happens to be the same person you dated during the last break-up with your ex. You need to heal yourself and not go running to other women for solace. If you get back with your ex, you will have played with this new woman's emotions yet a second time. That is not fair.

[Scout]

Saying "I love you" when you're in a committed relationship is not being needy. It is, however, letting down your guard - which I suspect you have a hard time doing. Not sure if this is because you have trust issues in general, or if you just didn't trust your ex's own feelings for you. Either way, it's worth really examining before making your game plan for reconciliation.

[Captain34]

My ex said she was too busy to do work/school and continue our relationship. There were a few other reasons, but in all she was very contradictory with her reasons. I feel that most importantly she is 21 and I am 23 years old and we had been in a relationship for 1.5 years. I was her first and only serious boyfriend. I feel like that plays a role into her motivations, because she may have felt locked into a relationship and undable to explore other options. Also, and I believe significantly, the break up came just beofre I was to meet her father for the first time. A week before the breakup she said that "her father is not her mom(who was very gracious to me and I think she's great) and taht she is scared to have me meet him." She is not direct about what her father may or may not think of me, and I do not confront her because I have no right to interfere in their relationship. However, I do feel that he pushes her to focus only on her professional priorities and that being in a relationship with anyone is a bad idea. She should not be in a relationship that limits her - I would give her the same advice because she has great potential. However, I feel it is unfair for her father to judge me when he has never met me, because I have been hands down her numberone supporter. But again, I have always avoided confronting her about this because it is obviously a sensitive situation.

 

Next, let me add that the new woman is someone that I never became physical with before my ex and I got back together. I simply took her to a formal ball at school. I had asked her to come with me after I had finally decided to let go trying to get my ex back after 3 months. After I asked her my ex started coming back, which I wanted. But I realize I never gave the new lady a chance the first time. I have made clear to this new woman taht I am not looking to jump into anything serious. I only took her out for a double date with friends and included her to come with me to a party with my friends.

 

I want to be back togetehr wth my ex. I love her and believe what we had was great, but I also want her to be happy...even if that isn't with me. I believe I have every right to date other women - and I believe she gave me that right when she ended our relationship. And I did what I was not obligated to do and reassured her that there was NOTHING going on with the new lady while we were still together. I care about her feelings and I believe that shows it, but I care about my feelings and I will not prevent myself from being happy if she has a hard time seeing me start to move on. She broke up with me!

 

I am "dating" (which seems to be a heavy term for it) this new girl for several reasons. I do find her to be physixcally attractive. But I also find that each time I chill out with her I see more and more of a personality that I like. Like I said I don't think I ever gave her a chance before. She is more attractive than my ex, and I included that detail because I would think that my ex's reaction would be effected by how attractive the new lady is. Am I wrong here? I do want my ex back because she is a wonderful person who I love. But I also will not consume myself as I did in after our prior breakup, which prevented me from exploring other opportunities and from being generally at ease. I want my ex back but I am trying to move on because I want to be happy. If my ex does not ever want to recocile I will be glad I put myself in a favorable position to deal with that. But if she is debating coming back to some degree whatsoever, she will have to make a decision because she is seeing that I am trying to let go. And that is very hard...

 

Thank you crazyaboutdogs for questioning me about all that. It felt good to respond in length because it reaffirms my belief that I am doing everything I am entitled to while still being kind to my ex.

[Captain34]

Scout-

 

You are on pont about your comments. In haste to get my thoughts onto this forum in hopes of a helpful reply I was unclear with how I have acted towards her. First, I was comfortable telling her I loved her when we were togetehr because I truly did - I just don't think it helps you or chnaces of reconciliation to keep on saying that after you have been dumped. In general I have tried to avoid the mistakes that I made after our last breakup. I have backed off and given her space because I was blind to how I had pressured her indirectly by wanting to talk about things so much. I am cautious about letting down my guard because I took her back once and she broke up with me after 4-5 months. I do not want to keep putting myself out there for nothing. I never stopped doing that completely after our last breakup and I feel that if she wants space than she will have to have it without me being part of it - I will not give her anythig she will not choose to give in return. As far as trust is concerned, it did take a bit for me to trust her fully again after we got back togetehr. But I did trust how she felt.

 

I should add though that the week before things ended I felt like I was being pushed to the back burner and had not been on her mind. I do not think that is an issue of trust?? I think that she was just coming to the end she eventually told me about.

 

Thanks scout

[queenofvalidation]

Does she smile or gaze at you? Is her body language open/inviting?

 

Is she self-assured, responsive, receptive? Does she accept and appreciate you? Does she trust you?