Need advice with new girl in my life

[mnuttster]

Hi, all, I used to post on this board about a lost love from years past and i am happy to say I am finally over her and moved on. It has been some time (four plus years) since I have played the dating game, actually attempted to get to know someone and played all those cat and mouse games, so that is why I need so advice.

 

There is this girl that I work with (she is sort of my boss, but not completely, its tough to explain) and she is amazing in so many ways because we meet on a ton of different levels in interests and personality traits, etc.. She might not be the complete best for me in terms of a long term plan, but I really know I like her because I always get those butterflies when i see her to talk to her on the phone and also I think about her a lot, trying not to call her or seem too crazy/anxious.

 

We had been playing games back and forth at work and the few times we hung out in a group, but I never thought her feelings were reciprocated. We finally came out to each other that we liked each other the other day and that she had reservations about us getting serious because she had so many past disastors with men and that she was afraid I would do the same thing to her and that we worked together, which is frowned upon in our company. She said she wanted to see where things went and if something happened, then it did. She wants to be friends, but said we could be physical if we wanted to, but I am not really that kinda guy because I usually need a serious relationship before I can do any of that.

 

This is where I am stuck. I have surprised her at work to take her out to lunch once and asked her out again (which we are due to go out later this week) and I have tried to not call/text her that much since all this came out, but I think I might have already just because I am so used to just coming out of a long term relationship of talking all the time. I have brought her a couple t-shirts from my work (I work for a radio station that plays the music her and I like) and already told her of a surprise event that I am taking her to, where I arranged for her and I to meet her favorite band. Is this too much, too soon? I am worried.

 

I need help, some advice because I really like this girl and think that we would be great together, but I don't want to push her or mess things up before they even get started because I get too crazy or something. It's funny because I feel back at square one with dating, even though I am 22. I was engaged and I guess that part of me shut off years ago, which is why I feel so stupid when trying to figure this girl out.

 

Any advice is welcome and appreciated. Thanks!

[vesper]

what is it that you would like to happen with her exactly that has not happened yet my friend?

[mnuttster]

Well it seems like she is hot and cold. One day or a few days, she will be super into me and calling me all the time and then the next few it's like I don't exist. I know she has a life and other things to do, but don't you think that if you liked someone that you would want to call them just to hear their voice or to chat about nothing. I might be reading into this too much, but i really like her and don't want to mess things up. Any ideas?

[vesper]

ok. what is the next thing that you two will do together?

[mnuttster]

Well we are supposed to go out on a date this coming wednesday, but I haven't talked to her all weekend since friday afternoon, when everything seemed ok still. I guess I am still sort of self conscious from my past failures with relationships and am scared to call her or contact her because I don't want her to feel pressured or creeped out because I want to be in her life more than a normal friend.

 

I guess you could say that I go overboard sometimes because I am looking for love and when I really like a person, I want to be this amazing life changing guy, that I guess I have to learn I can't be right away.

 

I still haven't called her and I only texted her once over the weekend and I just don't know if it is me completely overreacting (which it probably is because she has tons of other friends and things that she has going on in her life) or maybe her feelings have changed.

 

Just need some reassurance and help to ease my stomach.

[vesper]

m,

you are already in a place that most people would love to be in...days before a date with all the expectations and butterflies that follow.

 

I think what you are saying is that she does not know that you are interested in her as more than a friend... Is this true?

[mnuttster]

No she does know I like her as more than a friend, but she is hesitant about getting into a serious relationship because we work together and guys she has gotten involved with in the past have always been nice at first, but then turned into a jerk and hurt her. So she told me that she wanted to take things slow and that she just wanted to be friends.

 

I just don't know what to do because I want to be more than friends obviously, but I don't want her to feel pressured or feel like we can't even be friends. I guess I am just stuck in a hard place because I am so anxious to be involved with her, but I don't want to go too overboard or crazy about it.

[vesper]

if she has made it clear that she only wants to be friends. you have to respect that. You cant go into your date thinking you can change her mind.

 

sorry babes, but it looks like you have to accept the truth here.

[mnuttster]

well see the thing is that she said that, but she said that she really would want to be involved with me but she wanted to be careful and if something happened then it did. She even said she wanted to be physical with me (kissing and sex, etc..) but things might have changed as she thought about them over the last week, I don't know. It's all very confusing and I guess I have to wait to see what happens on wed if something happens or not.

[Dating Coach]

Actions speak louder than words. If she says she likes you but can't get with you, what are her actions saying? Her actions are that she is not getting with you. Forget her excuse. If she was really into you then she would be with you. Her excuse is to let you down easy.

[mnuttster]

so what everyone is saying is that I should just forget about it and move on? it's just stinks cuz this girl is awesome in so many ways and i haven't really been on a date since my engagement fell apart, so I thought that this might be my shining star. i guess you are right in that she would be with me if she really truly liked me. that all these excuses are just to make me not feel as bad. i would hate to give up and move on if she really does like me, but just wants to get to know me better and to move slow. I guess I will just see how our "date" goes and go from there. I just like her so much, but I guess maybe that it isn't meant to be.

[Dating Coach]

She can't be that awesome if she isn't interested in you.

 

When you meet a girl, it is a good idea to not let your feelings get too far ahead of where you stand. Look at the situation now. You like her far too much for someone whom you aren't even dating.

 

If you meet a girl and you think that she seems pretty cool and that you might be interested, ask her out then. Too many guys wait far too long to ask and end up falling too hard before anything even happened yet. Of course when it doesn't work out they are devastated. It should never even get that far.

[mnuttster]

well i didnt get that interested until she told me that she had feelings for me as well. But i guess your right because she sorta danced around the fact that she didn't want to be in a serious relationship right now. She said she really liked me and if something happened, then it happened.

 

I guess I fell way too hard too fast because I am still only 8 months from an engagement of 4 yrs and still really young (i am 23 and she is 26) so i shouldn't be surprised that an attractive girl that gets lots of attention wouldn't want to be tied down just yet (she is that free spirit type of giril that likes to march to the beat of her own drum)

 

Should I even go on this "date"/"hangout" tomorrow? Or would it just further being hurtful to myself? Or should I just let things sink back to how we were when we were just friends before I found out that she had "feelings" for me?

[Dating Coach]

She doesn't have those feelings with you or something would have happened.

[mnuttster]

well in a crazy chain of events last night, stuff actually worked out. we set things straight and i guess we are "dating" she just wants to take things slow so we do things right. I guess that I was super overreacting like i normally do. Thanks to everyone that gave me advice, I really appreciate it. She was just a little scared to get involved with someone again, but she didn't want to lose out on someone like me. For only getting 45 mins sleep last night, I feel pretty great

[Dating Coach]

Awesome, but don't get ahead of yourself. "Taking is slow" is better than nothing at all but it still shows a lot of hesitancy on her part. Keep us updated.

[mnuttster]

well she stayed the night this past week (the night of my birthday, we went out and talked for hours about everything) she told me of her past baggage and that she doesn't really want to get involved with someone because she has so much going on in her life right now. She even was excited to meet my parents and was really worried about what they thought about her after we left, which usually shows that she is interested in me.

 

I think I screwed things up because she seems distant a lot, like she did last week. It is just weird that she stays the night and kisses me in the morning when I dropped her off for work, and then the two days she hasn't really been interested. I even asked her out again for this monday, but she gave me a "maybe, we will see" answer, which usually is not good. Yesterday she grabbed my butt while we were at work, just as a joke, which just confuses me even more.

 

She seems to have days where she is really interested in me and days where it seems like I am barely alive. Is it just her saying that she wants to take it slow and get to know each other better, or is it a sign that she doesn't want a relationship, just something physical?

 

Are these normal signs of hesitancy and that I should just wait it out like her friend said (she said that I should take it slow and that she really likes me, but has gotten burned so much in the past. that I am the best guy that has come into her life and would be so good for each other). It just feels like I am wasting my time a little bit, but other times it feels like she is really interested in me. What should I do?

[vesper]

what do you exactly want from her? I am confused. Do you want her to be your girlfriend, your wife, your lover, your ?

 

just take it slow, go day by day and enjoy each other's company....what do you think this will lead to ? Is she available , will she be there for you in three months time?

[mnuttster]

I would like to be serious with her as in bf/gf maybe more because there is so many things we match on and I think we could be great together. I just know she has a tough past and that she has a lot of things to work out with herself, but I am willing to help.

 

I think she is looking for true love herself and is just afraid to fall for someone again. I just have to stick around and play it cool and she will eventually realize how great i am.

[mnuttster]

now things seem to be going great because whenever we hang out it goes awesome and we kiss and hold each other, but then whenever I ask her to do things she gives me the "maybe, we will see" answer. What does that exactly mean? Is that a nice way to say "no" or is that just a hard to get answer? because I don't know what to make of it, is it her just pushing me off, trying not to hurt me? or is she just playing games?

 

It is driving me nuts because I have finally ok'ed it with myself to take things as slow as she wants to because I want to be with her so bad, but if I am wasting my time I would wanna know.

[Dating Coach]

What's going on? I've told you before. Right now you're unfortunately being used as the most convienient guy but whom she will ditch when a more appealing guy comes around. Or maybe she won't even completely ditch you then, but will continue to drag you along for as long as you will let her.

 

Honestly, is this what you envision a great relationship being like? One of these days you're going to realize that a good relationship and a good partner don't have these problems.

[mnuttster]

Yeah, you are right I think. It seems like she only wants to hang out when it's convientient for her. It just stinks because we just were good on so many levels it seemed like, that maybe things could've been better with this girl than all the other trash I had tried to date.

 

I hung out at her house yesterday and she seemed distant, it seemed like she just wanted to hang out as friends, which i guess is better than nothing. But then when she walked me out, she kissed me again.

 

I guess I should leave it alone for awhile, just casually say hi to her at work whenever I see her and then not ask her to hang out. If she is really interested, then she will chase after me, but if not, we will just be friends then. I guess I got too interested, too fast. It just sucks to feel that i screwed things up and if I would've been a little more patient, things might have worked.

 

I guess I just need a little support and help to not feel upset. She probably to be completely honest, is terrible for me. She has lots of baggage and problems that I probably didn't need to deal with. I guess I attract the crappy kind of girls that have lots of problems. Sorry I am just down today because I finally realized what was going and that I was in the dark about her and me. Thank you to everyone and have a good day

[mnuttster]

How do I attract the right girls? That is the question I have been asking myself for the past week, since I had cut myself off from her. Obviously I was too nice/too good for her and it wasn't the type of guy she was normally used to, but it probably was better that I didn't get involved in her life/problems. It just hurts and I need some help to figure out how I can attract a better girl that won't use me for sex or string me along. Any advice?

[Dating Coach]

How do I attract the right girls?

 

Build your self confidence and don't tolerate disrespect from a partner. If you start standing up for yourself when you are being taken advantage of then you will start ending the relationships with girls who aren't right for you rather than desperately attaching yourself to any cute girl that gies you attention. If you are honest and straightforward with women and ask them out on dates when you are interested, you will get a lot more answers. If someone's flaking on you then dump her and move on. That's a lot better than continually confusing yourself and pursuing someone who's not matching their actions to their words. This way you'll end up dumping those types of girls and saving yourself trouble.

 

Obviously I was too nice/too good for her and it wasn't the type of guy she was normally used to...

 

No, that's not the problem and you're making up excuses for yourself. It wasn't that you were too nice to her or too good to her, it's that you weren't too good to yourself. You put up with way too much, you kept trucking forward despite all of the signs that said it's time to abandon this road for your own sake, etc.

 

Search for threads I started on the "Dating" forum to learn more about all of this.

 

Hope that helps.

[vesper]

Dude, you sound bi-polar!!

really come on!!!!! She likes you and you are making up stories in your head about what ifs ???? Just let her go, if she likes you she will call you!!!!