dealing with x's

[van]

My almost wife has a LOT of X's she seems to keep as friends. Some are still in love with her, some have married and some (who knows). She has been single her whole life (till age 51)...till now. Great looking and an awesome person=lots of X's. I was married for 28 yrs. so this is new to me. My problem is how to deal with it. I trust her but not sure on trusting the X's. Also many have known her longer than I have and being (close shall we say) in the past, kinda gives me the creeps. In the beginning she would tell me when I met an X boyfriend or just a guy friend, she has lots ao both, guy and girl friends. This seems to bother her telling me the difference and she has lied a few times about their relationship not wanting to bring up weird feelings. She seems to collect friends like people collect stamps, LOTS. What to do???

Van

[DN]

You need to re-examine your thinking on this. If you say you don't trust the ex's then you are in fact saying you don't trust her because why else would you be concerned. If you trusted her you would feel secure that if an ex tried anything she would not cheat on you.

[Shadows Light]

Well at 51 years old you can hardly expect her to come to you without baggage, just as you have brought your own baggage into this marriage.

 

You said that you "TRUST" her and yet you don't trust her "X's" or her friends. Do you really trust her then???? She's been evasive on a few occasions to protect you from heading down this slippery slope of Jealousy. If you continue down this slippery slope... you just may turn her "OFF".. jealousy is not a very attractive quaility in a mate.

 

She's been "alone" for the most part for 51 years. The fact that she finally chose YOU to enter into marriage with says a lot about her. However, do not mistake it for one second.... she is very comfortable on her own.

 

OWN THIS... this is you own insecurity. I suggest you go see a counselor to bounce this off of a proffessional. Maybe in time your wife can go with you and you can work out some sort of compromise or understanding. Without it.. you'll stay on this "Hamster wheel" and keep spinning your wheels...

 

TRUST.... is a very important to the foundation of your marriage.

[van]

I guess I just need to learn to be comfortable with her guy friends. It just bothers me when some still have feelings for her, (though she has chosen me to be with), and I think on some level they are tring to get togeather with her. It's something I am trying to learn to deal with. Who likes another guy to have feelings for there wife. Happens, but it's not that much fun. That's why I'm here. To learn and ask advice. I know it's something I need to work out. Also should she, when I meet a guy friend of hers tell me the past between them or keep that to herself so as not to bring up jealousy.....

thanks

V

[itsallgrand]

Hmm. Well, it's good that you recognize this and want to work on it before the marriage begins.

 

What I am wondering here is: Are you being insecure for no reason, or is your gut telling you something important?

 

I mean, I understand having many friends and keeping in contact with some ex-lovers who later become strictly-friends. Lots of history, it can happen and be perfectly alright. 51 and never married: these people are most likely an important part of her support system.

 

But, just how many are we talking? Is it 'questionable'? Is the good bulk of her friends, the ones who she spents any significant time with, ex-lovers? Is there a balance of different people or an invasion of old flames?

 

You described your fiance as "collecting friends like others collect stamps".

That's different than saying "she is an independent person who has many friends".

It gives off the impression that she is socializing with tonnes of people in some negative fashion.

 

I wonder if there is some actual compatibility problems here. And - if maybe you are uncomfortable with who she is, will always be - because it so different than you. Or you are finding a 'flaw' in your fiance you do not like?

[Shadows Light]

Well.. I'd say she's learned to be "FRIENDS" and I'd take it as a compliment that she see's you not only as a partner and lover... but as a Friend. Shouldn't you be able to tell your "best friend" everything????

 

The both of you might need to work on this together. Seek out a 3rd party counselor to help you sort through it. I see so many couples let little things grow into big ones... when all they had to do was go to a counselor and work out their small issues before they grew into raging dragons.

 

She should be able to share her feelings and all of her history with you. That means she "TRUSTS" you.

[Shadows Light]

You described your fiance as "collecting friends like others collect stamps".

That's different than saying "she is an independent person who has many friends".

It gives off the impression that she is socializing with tonnes of people in some negative fashion

 

True.. this does have a negative connotation to it. Maybe she's a very social person and you are not. Maybe you want to be the "central" and only focus of her life. It may back-fire on you. She sounds like an independent soul... if you try to clip her wings, you'll lose.

 

You were attracted to her in the first place for many reasons. Might her independance and her social life be one of those. Maybe your wish to be more like her. Or have the ability to culitivate friendships the way she does? I'm just taking a paint brush and trying to broaden the scope of this picture.. so forgive me if i am reading into it.

 

Look.. I'm a fairly intelligent and beautiful woman. I'm not shy in the least and I am very social. I love me the way I am. Are people going to be attracted to me like moths to a flame???? SURE THING... its normal. Its natural and part of human nature. But I am the one who controls "ME" and who gets close to me and how close they get to me. If I chose you to be in my life... then I'd expect some lattitude and a lot of trust. If you want to get on my surf board and ride the waves with me... you'd better be prepared to hang on. Don't need an anchor... don't need any drag.

As a social creature.... I really would have a problem with someone trying to clip my wings due to thier own insecurities.

 

Marriage to me is the "sharing" of our lives, being the living breathing witness to testify that the other has lived a full life. Marriage is not about hindering the other persons journey, corralling them and stiffling the other persons life. Its about "SHARING" the journey together. You have your friends and life... and I have mine. In the middle somewhere we meet and share that life.

[Shadows Light]

BTW... I lived with a man who was very very very jealous of my 1st Love. If we saw this man at a social function or anyone mentioned his name... I knew I had to walk on egg shells.

 

During the 18 years we were together.. .his friends became my friends. "MY" friends slowly fell off the plate for one reason or another. He said my "judgemenet" in friends was faulty. It took me a long time to realize what had happened. He controlled me. Controlled who came into my life and who I socialized with.

 

During the last holocaust days of our marriage.. while we were trying to resurrect the darn thing. He wanted me to quit my job. Why??? you guessed it. Less contact with the outside world. He said that the "friends" that I had cultivate through my work.. were NOT really friends but colleagues... For a person who works 60 hours a week.. takes care of home, children and husband.. "WHEN & WHERE" would I be able to make friends but at work.. NO????

 

The moment I had broken through my SHELL... and started growing as a "person" again... is when things started to really shake & quake in my marriage. It wasn't about TRUST... obviously there wasn't any. It was about "CONTROL".

 

Just a little back-ground from where I pull my opinions...

 

Communication and Trust are very very very important in a relationship. Nurture it.. cultivate it... and make it grow. Seeking counseling outside of the marriage is probably one of the smartest things you can do. If one person has a problem.. you both have a problem. WORK to come to a resolution that is amicable together.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Why does she have all these male friends? If she's with you then why is she keeping people who are obviously interested in her? For an ego trip? It doesnt seem very fair to me. It wouldn't make me feel very insecure. I can totally understand. I think it's totally normal. I think if it was the other way round she might feel the same way.

[van]

Great advice, yes I know the problem is mine and I'm here working on it. This is new to me being married for some 28 yrs. In the time my wife and I knew the history of our respective friends. A lot of my problems stem I guess, from a wife that struck up an affair that ended the marrage with some guy she met over the internet. That broke us up but later she wanted to get back togeather because she came to see what a mistake she made. He turned out to be a BIG looser that could write a great e-mail. I lost a lot of trust there that I need to regain. I guess I was just trying to see if there are standard ground rules for dealing with ex's so each person can make the other as comfortable as possiable. Or just trust (like I should) not let it bother me when once in a while some Ex still has the hots for my wife and just let it go. Women, do you just let it go as harmless??? I'm learning to do what I know is right but sometimes its not all that easy. Maybe someone could explane how they would feel twards a guy that might want her to cheat, but they feel they are in control,don't think it's a big deal , it wasn't going to happen, but they feel they should still be friends with them. Does that make sense? Just getting my sanity back. The break up with my Ex cost me a great deal. 28 years of work, I was retired @45, house paid for, rental income, my trust somewhat, etc., but now am faced with going back to work and starting over. The half I got wasn't enough to keep my life style. I'm going from one world to another and just trying to get some advice on how best to adjust.

Thanks V

[Shadows Light]

Thats a tough one V. we all carry our histories with us. I'm guilty as charged and have to work really hard to not "transfer" my issues with "X" onto someone else.

 

How long did you wait to get involved with your present wife? Did you give yourself time to heal properly and work through the grief process?

Did you attend any sort of counseling for yourself or a divorce recovery program?

 

You stated in a few places in your post.. "28 years... 28 years.. 28 years of work.. down the tubes." Not necesarrily. Don't throw away the baby with the wash water. You had a lot of great memories and learnings from your 28 years spent together. The fact that she had an affair... or was drawn outside of the marriage. Sounds like something wasn't working somewhere... at least not from her side of it. Instead of "working" the relationship and solving whatever it was that was disatisfying her... she went for the shiney new glitz and found out... painfully probably.. that all that glitters is not gold. Had you gone back to her when she discovered she'd f'd up... doesn't mean it would have all been ok... you'd both have a lot of work to change whatever it was that shot her off in that direction.

 

I don't think you are over the pain and hurt yet. DO you????

 

Have you discussed any of this with your present wife??? or are you tossing it around in your own head and trying to deal with it on your own??? I'd suggest you talk to her about it.

 

Go seek counseling for yourself to come to terms with your loss of your former wife. Try finding a divorce recovery program.

 

In the mean time... keep yourself busy. Find a hobby or something that interests you to take you away from... TOO MUCH introspective thought. Too much of it is NOT a good thing either. Maybe limit yourself to 30 minutes pondering about it... and then >> CLICK

 

Retiring at 45??? WOW.. awesome. Ok.. you've got the brains and the hootzbah... do it all over again. This time.. bigger and better and more fufilling. Or teach someone else how you did it.