Counseling: What to Expect?

[GH2001]

What should I expect from marriage counseling. It might be one of the most difficult things I have had to face in my life but it is time. I am pretty darn scared. Any advice, information on what to expect?

[BellaDonna]

I've never been myself but I hope these links can help:

 

link removed (thsi has religious undetones- but the basic model is accurate)

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

Hopefully some posters that have been will chime in.

 

 

BellaDonna

[AutumnBorn]

Counseling has changed my life - for the better. I've been able to forgive my husband for his past mistakes, forgive myself for my own, and let go of the anger and bitterness I've been living with for years. It hasn't been so easy for my husband, but it's changed everything for me. We've still got issues, but we've managed to get to the root of the problem. No quick fixes.

 

It's not always a pretty process. Initially there's a lot of background information you have to go over. Questions asked and answered. Then you have to learn to listen, not react to what you're hearing. Breaking old habits and the cycle of miscommunication or negative thoughts. Just recognizing your own part in what's happened in the past. You may not like or agree with what you're hearing at all, but you have to just learn to absorb it and think about it.

 

Couseling is not easy. My husband is in a very negative place still, but I had an epiphany and peace and acceptance is all I feel now. You wouldn't believe how angry and ugly I could be at times. You have to work on yourself as an individual to make the relationship better.

 

This doesn't mean my husband and I will be able to work things out, but I know I will be okay, no matter what happens. I'm healthier than I've ever been emotionally and we are communicating like two adults! No attacking, no ugliness -- just very open, honest friends who want the best for each other. It's how we should have been in the beginning, but we didn't know how to be. Now we've done so much damage to each other that can't be undone. So, it's not easy, it's not a fix, but it's a step toward having a stronger relationship if you can do the work.

[clever_angel]

I unfortunately not that positive about counselling. There are some good and some bad counsellors around.

When my husband and I went to counselling, the therapist suggested my husband join a group of separated people (on his own). It caused the rift between us to grow, and separation became an issue he started considering more seriously, while we only used it as a mutual threat before that.

She did very little to ensure we both remained present in the relationship.

You place the future of your relationship in someone's hands, and sometimes that person may not be entirely professional about it. Be weary and critical of the service your therapist provides, do not trust any therapist blindly. It is still YOUR marriage, your life and your responsability. Ask the therapist beforehand what his / her methods are, and to describe the process to you.

Make sure you both feel comfortable with your counsellor, and that the methods used seem logical and effective to you.

Set a timeframe for the therapy (for example 6 sessions), what the goals of the therapy are. Be sure you are all working towards the same goals.

If you are not happy with the therapist, do not automatically assume it is because of your own inadequacy - sometimes the method or the person do not agree with you! If you get the impression your therapist is getting paid to witness your arguments, and the relationship gets worse - see someone more positive!

However, sometimes the process may be difficult for both of you, while the therapist is most helpful and in sync with your needs. In this case, you need to take the time to reflect on what you are learning.

I hope this helps you make sound decisions.

[GH2001]

What are the different methods councelors use and which seem to be the best helpful?

[AutumnBorn]

What's most helpful is what's most helpful to YOU. It's different for each of us - we're all different. What works for me/us may not be at all effective for you.

 

I've found self-talk is helpful. Recognizing the cycle of our arguments and learning tools to stop the spiral, separating fact from thought and not letting in the negative thoughts, affirmations.

 

Our first bit of homework was touching each other to help us reconnect. Who knew that touching the person you sleep next to every night could be so difficult?

 

Our next assignment was to talk to each other about our relationship and listen to each other without interrupting. We were only permitted to say "I agree" or "I disagree". We progressed rapidly into asking questions to get deeper into our relationship rather than defending ourselves.

 

Some are big on homework (our counselor is light).

[GH2001]

I've never been myself but I hope these links can help:

 

link removed (thsi has religious undetones- but the basic model is accurate)

 

link removed

 

link removed

 

Hopefully some posters that have been will chime in.

 

 

BellaDonna

 

Those were some good resources. I especially liked the first one. Thanks!

[Aurian]

I went to marriage counselling. Both a male and female counsellor talked to us (created an even footing of the sexes in a way), and they had us talk about our problems. They would challenge us if we were too negative, harsh, judgemental, etc. I found it to be a very safe environment to talk about problems (his anger and my fear of him made me clam up when it was the two of us), and I listened to his problems.

 

In the end it didn't help, simply because I was trying to work on the exercises, but he was saying he was just fine the way he was and didn't see any need to change. Course, he was also a paranoid, manipulative, abusive jerk, so most normal people would have responded, I think. I ended up getting a divorce 2 years after our counselling sessions (had the dumb idea that if I pleased him enough, he would respond by being loving to me again).

 

I continued to go to counselling on my own though, and I feel so much stronger for it. I go on an occasional basis, with books and homework in between. I was pretty clingy and dependant when I first went, so this was a good method for teaching me to work some things out on my own, and then get some feedback!

[Stambler]

It all depends on the attitude of each partner going in. In my case, my wife had decided that it was too late and she didn't want to work anymore on our relationship (unfortunately this happens most of the time, one partner holds things in until they don't want to deal with it anymore...).

 

I pleaded with her to go, but that was a mistake. It will only work if BOTH parties are willing to give it a go. She used the sessions to explain WHY our relationship wouldn't work, and latched onto selective things the counselor said to help make her case.

 

In the end, we learned a lot about ourselves and I have taken those lessons and turned them into self improvement efforts. As far as my wife, I think she still feels as if it's too late to mend things.

[GH2001]

It has taken me ten months to get to the point where I don't feel I will be just going through the motions on the way to a divorce. I want to work on the relationship, but my wife drives me nuts (and not in a good way.)

 

The ten months has been the amount of time that it has taken to be able to live with an attraction to another woman. Nothing has happened in that relationship but it is another in a long series of attractions that I attribute to a dissatisfaction with my wife, subconsious at first and growing more and more over the years.

 

Well, the first session put me on the defensive with the female counselor really becoming somewhat confrontational with me. My wife sat there and weeped saying that she was my longest infatuation (like I never loved her). The counselor seemed to have greater pity on my wife than on me. She kept looking at me like I was some kind of great satan.

[hardcharger]

kept looking at me like I was some kind of great satan.

when my kids were infant/toddlers my wife's temper and treatment of me was terrible. I called a marriage counselor, secretely, met with him, then he suggested I talk to my wife, she came in next, then we met together. Well, she snoockered him so bad with her tale, that on that 3rd visit he said in all his years he never saw an answer so clearcut. I should just stop fishing so much and be at home and that would do it.

 

$300 and 20 yrs later I am still dealing with that temper periodically and I haven't fished in years, he was pretty much a dope for my problem.

 

Actually, about 7 and 4 yrs ago, I went to a female counselor, I think just for a visit, because again I couldn't take the pain of my wife's harassment and was looking for answers. She was divorced and of course she talked about how I have to look out for myself, blah blah blah. No, I look out for my family, I have 1 vote out of 5. Things are pretty decent lately.

[Jane0815]

Depends on what approach they're schooled in (or favor, if they've taken different types of training). Ask before you make an appointment, google it, and check your library for textbooks in that school of thought.

 

Especially if it's a family therapist with a systems orientation, a lot of their intro questions can be REALLY formulaic and it's worthwhile to read up on what they're trying to get at with these questions. For example, they'll ask about the beginning of your relationship. What they're trying to get at is whether there was something that can be re-built on. (Sorry for over-simplifying.) Since I knew this before going in to my whatever-the-heck-he-is's counselor, I was able to give a clear, non-sugared answer instead of the usual story that gets the oh-how-romantic responses.

 

2.5 years later, I'm on the fence again and wondering whether my idea of finding a counselor is just me looking for permission to ditch him and support to move on.

[Donster]

Camber wrote

It all depends on the attitude of each partner going in. In my case, my wife had decided that it was too late and she didn't want to work anymore on our relationship (unfortunately this happens most of the time, one partner holds things in until they don't want to deal with it anymore...).

 

This is exactly what happened to me. After 8 months of couples therapy, which really did help us tremendously in terms of getting to some of our issues, it turns out that there were some new issues that came up, as well issues that my ex kept in and didn't bring out until later...at which point both of us were feeling a lot of "therapy fatigue".

 

Just remember, no quick fixes. And teh counselor does not wave a magic wand and then everything gets fixed. You and your partner do all the work!!! The counselor is there to help you create a space where you can talk about things on an equal footing, to serve as a facilitator if there are hostilities or bad feelings, or if one partner dominates the other.

 

But counseling won't work if both parties aren't willing to try, or if there is an ongoing affair, or if one (or both) parties don't lay everything out on the table. But you can still end up learning a lot about yourself, the way you approach relationships, and these will all help you in your current relationship or future relationship(s) tremendously. I am a much better person now than I was before after having had both couples therapy and individual therapy for the better part of a year.

 

good luck!

 

P.S. there are good counselors and bad ones. After your first session, or even when you talk to them over the phone to book the appointment, you are NEVER under any obligation to continue seeing them. It's important that you BOTH feel comfortable with the therapist, as well as with the approach they use. And it's also important to be HONEST with the therapist...if things aren't working out with them (as with any relationship)--they should be told this so that the situation can improve or so that you can find someone else who may be better suited to you.

[GH2001]

Well,

 

I have had two sessions now. The first with my wife and the second alone with the thearipst. I requested that the second session be alone (my wife also had a session alone). I needed to air out some things that I did not want my wife to hear. First, I don't want to hurt her any more than she already has been hurt. I don't hate her... I just am not getting what I need from the marriage. Second, I wanted to really share what has been going on in my life.

 

It took me a full hour to explain over the last 18 months how my life has turned into a nightmare. The counselor said that I am obviously in agony and really emphasized. She used the term that I am suffocating in the marriage. It is funny that she used that term because I told my wife that several months ago and my wife still picks at me with it at times.

 

Now my wife is saying that she was simply my longest "crush." We have been married 15 years. If anything, I never had a "crush" on her and should have questioned whether we were compatible way-back-then...