What do you do when you've secretly fallen in love with a stranger?

[bumshkin]

Well he isn't entirely a stranger, but in the 5 months that we've known each other I feel as though it hasn't been long enough for me to say I know him well and yet here I am claiming I love him. Anyway, I'm lost and confused and in love with him. The story begins online, where we first met. I posted a personals add(cheezy yes, but the bar/club scene was making me sick), and he was one of the guys who responded. So we began chatting around the end of January and then we finally decided to meet in February. It just happened to be Valentine's Day when we went on our first date. He was so cute, he brought me a rose. At first he was the one pursuing me, and I was holding back because I just wasnt sure about the situation at the time, nor was I attracted to him. And the more and more we hung out together the more I started to like him. We spent alot of time together doing so many fun things in those three months. We had great conversations and sex. Although sometimes it felt slightly unromantic, because I think both of us were holding back. So one night, three months into our dating, everything changed and turned around unexpectedly. We had just hung out and watched a movie together and afterwards I went home. As usual I called him to let him know I got in ok(on his request)and we started to talk dirty. He asked me if I would come back, and it was pretty late but I was in the mood so I was just like what the heck, why the hell not? So I went back to his place, we slept together and it was amazing. And stupid me, well not so stupid at the time, decided to ask him where things stood between us. We had had this kind of conversation before, when we had agreed that we would be exclusive, but this time it was a little more serious. By this time he had introduced me to his family and his friends,etc. Anyway, he basically said that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though it felt like we're in one. He was so nervous telling me that, sweating and tongue tied. I guess he was worried that he might never see me again after that. But we still hung out a few times, and we have still slept together a few times, minus the goodbye kiss now that we are not exclusive.

 

But here's the strange part. The last time we slept together something happened to me. I realised that I had fallen in love with him. For a few weeks I was in denial because I was like there is no way I could be in love with this guy, we were only dating for three months. And after we had that conversation I cut him off for a while because I knew my feelings had developed to the point where I wanted him to be my man and in order for us to be friends I needed space to get over that. But it's true, I am in love, and I can't tell him how I feel. I dont know what to do. I've dated other guys since we called it quits (and haven't been able to sleep with any of them), but the more I try and be attracted to other guys, the more I feel like none of them are right for me, and that I belong with someone else, the man I am in love with.

 

I haven't given him any indication of how I feel, when we hang out I treat him like I would treat any of my friends, and when we sleep together I make it seem like it's nothing special. He has no clue, and none of my friends or family know because I'm sure they would think I am a lunatic. I think I am a lunatic but I can't stop thinking about him. So I'm lost. I've never loved someone so secretly before and I dont know what to do. Isn't this the most ridiculous story ever? Can anyone relate?

[bumshkin]

It's not the sex that caused me to fall in love with him. I'm 100% sure of that. I've been in several relationships where sex came before love and feelings did not develop at all. I fell in love with him because of who he is. Eventhough we arent exclusive anymore we left things off on a very positive note and said we would leave the door open for the future. Mind you I know deep down that when guys say that it's a load of crap, but I still fell in love with him. Regardless, I know from here it will be a diffucult path figuring things out, and eventually I'm sure I'll just have to suck it up and get over him, but I'm in love him right now, and thats all I can feel right now.

[doyathink]

If I were you I would just give this guy some time and be patient. He may be affraid of love because he has been burned. Carry on with him if this makes you feel happy, nothing wrong with that. Continue to be nice to him and let him see what a good person you are.

 

Show by your actions that you are a good person and that his heart is safe with you. Set back and see what happens. Good luck!

[Hope75]

This sounds like one of those situations where you want one thing and he wants another.

 

One one hand, you can't really get mad at him because you were willing to sleep with him without a serious commitment, but on the other, it is not so unusual to fall for a guy that you are in every way but actually admitting it, in a serious relationship with.

 

If I were you, knowing that I wanted more from this guy, and in that he was giving me less (not commited to me anymore, not willing to get serious), I would tell him that while I enjoyed the time we had together, I can feel us hitting a wall and I know that I want and deserve more, and since he isn't in the same place as me, I am going to break it off before I get more hurt than I will now.

 

But that's just me- what will you do?

[BillyJean714]

Great advice xxxScorpioX,

 

To the O.P., you don't know what sex does to you..Trust me. I took a few courses in physiology and psychology, and there is something called "Hormones" Once you release a certain hormone (known as ocytocin), you start feeling emotional and head over heals about the guy your with. The more you have sex, the more you regenerate those hormones!

 

I know. That was my scientific explaination of it! I really DO think that people do see that you're really into him. The part where he mentions: "he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though it felt like we're in one."

 

Talk is cheap. Don't let his words get to you. If he really wanted you as his woman, he would want a relationship with you. Every guy I dated who really wanted to be my bf, never said "I'm not ready for a relationship". Every relationship where my partner truly loved me? I didn't even have to ask where the relationship stood. They made it clear that they wanted a relationship. And if a guy were to ever say that he didn't want anything serious to me, I'd run away as fast as a stallion.

 

It's a dead relationship. There is no way of reviving it or turning it into something you wish for it to be. Good luck to you. Take care. Call it quits and move on for now..

[LillieBelle]

If I were you, I would give it a little more time. I remember being in a similar relationship about 10 years ago. I really fell for the guy... and he was just sort of casual about it. This went on for about a year until one day something clicked in his heart... he fell in love with me! We stayed together for another year until one day I dumped him. He was devestated. Sort of weird how it ended.... I had loved him so much that first year... but then when he reciprocated, it was all sort of down hill. Hmmm.... I think they call that infatuation. Or "you always want what you can't have".

[mrdarcy]

Hey Bumshkin,

 

I made a flippant remark to your post before. Sorry about that. Actually I didn't even read your post, just the title and figured I'd say something witty & funny. That was wrong of me.

 

Anyway. I just "read" your post for real.

 

I've been in a similiar situation, and heres my advice. ALWAYS be honest. ALWAYS be real. And ALWAYS say how you feel. Tell him. Don't hold back.

 

Trust me, holding it in is the worst. Espescially when you have to "pretend" not to be interested or to be enjoying your intimate time together.

 

This is a recipie for disaster. Maybe you two have a non exclusive agreement, but 3 months is a long enough time to honor your feelings and tell him the truth. Its definitely not wrong of you to put it out there, and if he doesn't reciprocate, its not wrong for you to say "well then, I'm afraid I can't continue like this".

 

Tell him. Who knows, perhaps he is feeling the same thing, but is afraid to express it because you are "acting" disinterested.

 

Good luck. ;-)

[doyathink]

Yes! BillyJean is right...I am a psychology major...that is why women want to cuddle after sex unlike men because this hormone also known as "love hormone" is released, and women get super emotional.

OK, so what your saying is that men don't react or respond to this same hormone?

 

Only women?

[mrdarcy]

I must have some of that there "love hormone" then....cause I LOVES ta cuddle afterwards.

[doyathink]

No kiddin', that explains a lot then!

[bumshkin]

I'm quite amazed at the responses I have received and want to thank everyone for their support. As of yet, internally I am still in the same boat but I have managed to open up about it to some close friends. I guess its a step in the right direction. On a side note, I decided to go to a huge house party to get my mind off things and it helped. But theres always that one part of the night when were most vulnerable. I want to tell him, I really do but I'm so affraid of freaking him right out. I dont want him to think I am psychotic. Who knows maybe he wont, but damn. And the fantasy in my head that everything will end happily ever after is constantly there, making me irrational. Its so hard to think!!!

[bumshkin]

So last night, we were supposed to hang out. Usually when we make plans to see each other it goes smoothly but last night things seemed to be confusing, and he had other palns, then he didnt have other plans, and it seemed like one big mess of miscommunication. Anyway, it discouraged me because I assumed he was freaking out again and trying to regain some distance from me without having to actually say it. I was hurt. So I decided to take the opportunity to call him back and tell him what was up. I told him how I felt and I told him that I couldn't just be his friend anymore because I wanted so much more. His response was that he sees me as an amazing girlfriend for him but something is holding him back. He said that he's affraid of hurting me if our relationship ever didnt work out. He said if we were together he would want to make me his wife and hes not sure if he's ready for that. I dunno if he was just saying that to make it sound good or if he meant it, but either way he was basically saying that he's scared * * * *less of the emotional attachment that a relationship inspires. I told him it was ok that he felt that way and I dont hold it against him and that I respect how he feels, but we cant talk/see each other anymore because I cant change that I'm always going to want more than a friendship with him. I couldnt bring myself to tell him I was in love with him, but I did say that I had fallen for him hard. I guess it ended on a good note, as sad as I am that he cant be mine. And now I have to hold to my word that we stay out of contact for a while. It's still a long road ahead. Deep down, I am secetly hoping that he comes to his senses and sees that he will miss out on an amazing relationship if he doesnt get over his fears. Maybe he just doesnt like me at all and he's making excuses. I'll never know.

[BillyJean714]

His response was that he sees me as an amazing girlfriend for him but something is holding him back. He said that he's affraid of hurting me if our relationship ever didnt work out. He said if we were together he would want to make me his wife and hes not sure if he's ready for that.

OMG, bull!

 

EXCUSES.

 

If he really thought you were such a great catch as he said, then he would definitely want to make you his. Where he mentions about making you his "wife", I think when he said that he was just saying just because he couldn't find any other excuses to tell you. Either that, or his intent was to scare you off as well. It also sounds very contradictory to me, "I want to be with you, I see you as my wife, but I don't want to hurt you"..

 

Either way, actions. Look at his actions, not his words. Think about it. Put yourself in HIS shoes. If a guy and you were intimate, and he asks you something along the lines of "I want us to be exclusive", if you said what the guy you're seeing said, what do you think he REALLY means? Don't let him play you.

[bumshkin]

If he was into me, he wouldn't be making excuses for us not to be together. But I still give him the benefit of the doubt. I do believe he has feelings and cares about me. I do believe that he has issues preventing him from being with me and those are his to deal with. He was with a girl for 7 years before he met me and she messed him up real bad. I met him only 6 months after they broke up. After they ended it they had no contact whatsoever and still dont. But anyway, whatever issues he may have that are holding him back I think are valid, whether he's making excuses or not. We talked about it and he's affraid. If he wanted me bad enough he would get over those insecurities and fears and take a chance on me but the bottom line is he's not ready for a relationship with me and I have to learn to accept that.