Forcing Love Back, Is it Possible?

[GH2001]

About a year and a half ago, a long term subconsious feeling that I was not in love with my wife of 14 years began to become consious. My wife spent the better part of four days a week (Thursday through Monday) with her out-of-town dying grandmother every other week for about three months, taking our two year old with her. At first, I became lonely, but then I began to enjoy the time alone. When my wife's grandmother died, they were back in the house full time (wife and child) and I began to miss my alone time.

 

Then about a month later, we learned that we were having our second child (living proof that it just takes 1 time as our sex life has basically been non-existant for about 7 years). My wife began demanding all kinds of things like a larger house, a new car, etc... I asked her to slow down but she kept it up so I started looking for larger places to stay and for a new car.

 

All of these demands got me to thinking, now consiously, that we never had anything in common. I had reached out at times in the past to find common ground, interests that we could share. I finally gave up when she did not share my view of a dream house I had found.

 

Then, ten months ago, a lady at work began flirting with me and I fell in-love. I have nearly fought off all of those feelings, I hope, cross my fingers. Now I just can't stand to be around my wife. We don't fight but I can't stand to talk to her. We have nothing in common and physically she no longer attracts me. I am left in this limbo, not loving my wife, but fortunately, having fading feelings for this woman at work. Most of the time, I just want to be left alone, away from the comotion and noise of the home.

 

I am wondering now if I ever loved my wife. I think back through the years thinking of the energy I have expended trying to do things that would make her happy and show some interest in me. Now I just don't care and want to move out.

 

Is it possible to fall back in love with your wife when the feelings are gone? We are going to start going to counciling soon, I hope, but I don't see much hope.

[kuhaaica]

I dont believe you can FORCE yourself to love someone, ever for any reasons.

You shouldnt force anything in love i'd say.

 

Good Luck...

[DN]

First - what made you fall in love with her in the first place and if you did not love her why did you marry her.

 

Second: Have you told her how you feel and is that why you are going to counselling?

 

Third: Do you know how she feels about you?

[Tigris]

I was going to ask those questions too DN.

 

Also, how do you feel about the new baby?

[GH2001]

First - what made you fall in love with her in the first place and if you did not love her why did you marry her.

 

Second: Have you told her how you feel and is that why you are going to counselling?

 

Third: Do you know how she feels about you?

 

I was young, early 20's, but at the time I thought that I was becoming a "male-old-maid". I was so lonely and she was my first and only girlfriend. ](*,) ](*,) I was married to her three years later. We both attended the same church, where I met her, she was 18 at the time and 21 when we married. In hindsight I wonder if I ever was in-love with her. The passion wore off after about a month or two.

 

She is very perceptive and knew I was attracted to someone last fall. I guess it showed on my face. I don't know how she could tell. She confronted me. We talked some but she is so sensitive about it that we began just having to correspond through e-mail to keep her from bawling to the point of making converstation impossible. That is why we really don't talk. I guess that answers #3.

[GH2001]

I was going to ask those questions too DN.

 

Also, how do you feel about the new baby?

 

I would be lying if I said the stress involved with the now 6 month old baby had not take its toll. Of course he was unplanned. This is going to sound really cruel but I just can't get close to him. I have been such an emotional wreck being in-love for the past ten months that it has been hard to do much other than focus on trying to fight off those feelings.

 

Now I am wedged inbetween work where I love someone and home where nearly everything is a source of sadness and frustration.

[GH2001]

For those of you who have attended counciling, isn't it trying to "force" love back? I wonder sometimes if it is as hard to fall back in love with someone as it is to fall out of love with someone you care for deeply?

[DN]

Well, I have been married for many years and there were times when one or both of us felt like leaving the other for various reasons. We never went to counselling but were able to work through the problems. Part of the motivation for doing that was that we had made promises when we got married and took them very seriously. So we made the effort to get things back on track and are glad we did.

[GH2001]

Well, I have been married for many years and there were times when one or both of us felt like leaving the other for various reasons. We never went to counselling but were able to work through the problems. Part of the motivation for doing that was that we had made promises when we got married and took them very seriously. So we made the effort to get things back on track and are glad we did.

 

That is a comforting story. Thanks!

[AwdreeHpburn]

GH - There is something about your post that makes me think you've made up your mind and are looking for permission, in a way, to commit to it.

 

I would like to tell you that you are doing a dis-service to yourself, your wife and your kids by considering forcing a love that isn't there and staying in a marriage you don't want to be in.

 

This reminds me of a song....

 

You wanted more

More than I could give

More than could handle

In a life that I can't live

 

You wanted more

More than I could bear

More than I could offer

For a love that isn't there....

 

Have a good long chat to your wife about all of your honest feelings no matter the tears. You need out. Make a decision and don't drag it out.

[Lady Bugg]

I am not advocating divorce...........BUT I have been in the position you're in. Being married is NOT always peaches and cream........it's TOUGH.

Sometimes taking a "Sabattical" from marriage .......(3-6 months) is necessary. Of course...during this time..you make a commitment to your partner that you will NOT particiapate in ANYthing extramarital........but as a way to get in touch with YOU.In this time period you also start "dating" your spouse again. Yes..DATING. Is this extreme?? Yes....but it 's a way to find your way back to each other again...and sometimes..a bit of time and distance is ALL that is needed.

[GH2001]

GH - There is something about your post that makes me think you've made up your mind and are looking for permission, in a way, to commit to it.

 

I would like to tell you that you are doing a dis-service to yourself, your wife and your kids by considering forcing a love that isn't there and staying in a marriage you don't want to be in.

 

This reminds me of a song....

 

You wanted more

More than I could give

More than could handle

In a life that I can't live

 

You wanted more

More than I could bear

More than I could offer

For a love that isn't there....

 

Have a good long chat to your wife about all of your honest feelings no matter the tears. You need out. Make a decision and don't drag it out.

 

 

It happened so fast, the realization. I think I am still in a bit of shock. It is just so sad because neither of us thought this would happen to us, especially after 15 years. It will devastate our extended families because my parents have grown to love my wife and children like there own. Of course the in-laws wont' understand either. There is going to be a lot of hatred focused on me. That is scary.

[GH2001]

I am not advocating divorce...........BUT I have been in the position you're in. Being married is NOT always peaches and cream........it's TOUGH.

Sometimes taking a "Sabattical" from marriage .......(3-6 months) is necessary. Of course...during this time..you make a commitment to your partner that you will NOT particiapate in ANYthing extramarital........but as a way to get in touch with YOU.In this time period you also start "dating" your spouse again. Yes..DATING. Is this extreme?? Yes....but it 's a way to find your way back to each other again...and sometimes..a bit of time and distance is ALL that is needed.

 

That is some really good advice. I had never looked at a separation in that way (is that what you call a separation?) Thanks!

[DN]

Just be sure that your life after a divorce is not worse than before. Divorce does not always fix your life and solve all your problems. But it can sure bring a whole bag of new ones.

[GH2001]

Just be sure that your life after a divorce is not worse than before. Divorce does not always fix your life and solve all your problems. But it can sure bring a whole bag of new ones.

 

I have been analyzing this all along. My wife has been gone for a week at her parent's house. She came back today for a birthday party my daughter was invited to attend. She then went back to her parents house and will be back here Monday afternoon. It seems that her former nuclear family has become much more important than our relationship over the past several years, especially since the birth of our daughter 3 years ago.

 

My wife can't say NO to her mother. Her mother is baby crazy demanding to see her grandchildren often. She even "adpots" others children as her grandchildren. Once recently, her mother took our daughter for the weekend when I had stated eariler in the week to my wife that I was going to spend the weekend just being a father to her by taking her to see some of her out of town cousins. I got home the evening before we were going to go on the trip and my daughter was gone. I asked my wife where she was and she said her mother had taken her home for the weekend. Then my wife started crying because she had hurt me and asked if I wanted her to bring her back. What was I to say!

 

The house seems kind of empty tonight. I went out to eat by myself this evening and it started to sink in what being single might be like. I probably deserve what I am getting in a way. I know I have been tought to live with for the past ten months.

 

However, my wife has been difficult to live with too. As I said in an earlier post, this started when she was away from the house so much with her dying Grandmother, I at first became lonely and then just thought subconsiously that maybe I would do better with someone else. Then, the pregnancy demands (New House, New Vehicle...) Then the flirting by the coworker... I wonder sometimes if I am just being too selfish and I think about how much she has been away from the house with the kids. Maybe I just want to start over with a more independent woman.

 

I hope this is a crack in my mental "ice" though and that it will melt away some of the coldness between us. For a long time I didn't want to work on the relationship. It is a hard fight when you are in-love with someone else and you don't love your spouse. Now I think I have reached a point where I can do this. Let's see if my wife is willing, after so many years, to realize the problem and not think it is fixed with a simple apology. I do wish we had more in common. I have tried... What a mess!

[Tylin]

For those of you who have attended counciling, isn't it trying to "force" love back?

 

Yes and no. I didn't want to go to counseling as it was a last resort. Emotionally, I already had one foot out of the door. But I did initiate it and we both went for a few months and things started to improve. It helped me see why I loved my husband in the first place and we started building the trust and respect back into our relationship.

 

As long as we were both comitted to working on our relationship-- yes, it did work. I did fall back in love with him and start planning my life with him again. It is possible for the love to be rekindled, but its been my experience that it will only stay rekindled as long as both are doing their part.

[GH2001]

I would imagine that counciling is both a last resort and one that few want to take. I had a friend who went into counciling and was asked, "What do you think will be the most difficult thing about counciling?" The answer, "Wanting to come here in the first place."

 

I can identify with that. There is so much at stake, but also your so emotionally detatched by this point that you just don't want to bother. That is why I used the term "force."