Most cut, I burn

[only_me_1974]

Well, I used to cut, but hiding it was difficult. Now, I burn. I do it on my thighs because I can hide it easily. No one knows that I do this now and have been doing it for 19 years.

When I cut I would do it on my hands or ankles so I have scars. People ask what happened and I tell them that when I was younger I used to cut. They say, "Oh you must have had a bad childhood. Glad to see you've stopped"

 

They have NO idea. I can't, at 32, admit that I still do this. I am the one that everyone comes to for advice and understanding, however, I cannot trust anyone enough to tell them that I am in a constant battle within myself.

 

I did have a crappy childhood, but now, I should be able to deal with my own issues. I am an adult and have no reason to feel like crap. I know that I am hard on myself, but someone has to be hard on me. I need to grow up and take charge of myself!

 

I just wanted to get out some stuff that was going on in my head and let others know that they are not alone. I too suffer from myself!](*,)

[Beyondthesea]

It's time for counseling friend, there's no reason to bottle up all your emotions and express them in this unhealthy manner.

 

Have you seen a counselor before? You don't need to live like this with so much pain and anxiety friend.

 

BIG HUGS!!!

[only_me_1974]

I had psychiatrists in the past and it sort of helped. I am going to a new physician today to try to get back on some meds for depression. We'll see.

I want to go to another psych, but finding one is so difficult because I HATE making phone calls. I am so anxious to call anyone. Just to give you an idea, it took me 17 times of calling and hanging up on the receptionist just to make this one doctors appointment.

My anxiety gets in the way of everything. I just feel like I deserve the pain. I don't know if that makes sense, but every time I burn it is because I did, said or thought something stupid.

I know I need help, I just wish I didn't have to make the calls

[dpressedone89]

maybe you should try to get on meds for an anxiety dissorder as well?

[only_me_1974]

Yeah, I think you're right. I just don't know much about them. I only have 10 minutes with this new physician because I had to get an "Urgent" appointment otherwise I'd have to wait until end of August. I know I couldn't wait that long.

I hope she is able to understand enough about me in 10 minutes to give me something that will work.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Burning is actually very common and people SI into their 50's. You're not abnormal by any means.

 

You can't just "get over" issues from your childhood, the human mind doesn't work that way. You need to be gentle with yourself, because hunny, no one else will.

[xprincessbugx]

Broken is right. Only you can care about yourself and after all these years of doing this it's time to get some help and some medication. You don't have to talk to your friends about it only if you feel comfortable enough. Good luck to you.

[robowarrior]

Imagine that you are locked up in a room, what helps more cutting or a key to get out? Invest your energy into solving your problems instead of in cutting, redirect that energy.

Remember nothing in the universe makes you happy exept Love, thereforeeee

love and help other people.

 

You definitly need to seek counselling/psychiatric help.

 

That way you can start loving,believing and supporting yourself. This is essensial in a world where no one supports you , you at least support yourself in a positive and constructive manner.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Also, be careful with the burns-they get infected more easily then cuts for the most part.

[only_me_1974]

Thanks everyone. Well, just to give an update. I made it to the physician and she is prescribing me 2 meds. I also got a referral to a psychiatrist.

I am actually happy that I made it through the anxiety attack because my new doctor is soooo nice and caring.

I know that I need to deal with my past in order to move forward. I guess I'm just scared and it's easier to say that I am over it or need to get over it.

Broken, my burns usually do get infected and it sucks because I am allergic to neosporin.

I really want to stop SI, it's just so darned addicting. After so many years of doing it, I don't think I'll be able to just stop, but maybe with help I'll get to a point where I will learn something else.

Wish me luck and thanks again for all the kindness.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

*hugs* To help heal your injuries, eat garlic, and take vitamins (I'd suggest zinc and C as well as vitamin E) as well as eating a good diet. Sea salt soaks will help heal any infection (sea salt can be bought at most grocery stores fairly cheaply). If you have a bathtub, you can relax in the salt water, should help some.

 

It is very difficult to stop, but it's possible to go for long periods without it so long as you have proper support. Don't beat yourself up over doing it.

 

Good luck.

[only_me_1974]

Thanks Broken. I didn't know about the sea salts. I will definetely try it. I'll go get the vitamins too. I am not the most knowledgable when it comes to healing myself so thanks for the advice.

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Not a problem. Be careful not to overdo the vitamins. Try one-a-day's for now, just for the added boost.

 

When you get up to ten posts, the PM feature works, and I'll PM you some stuff...or you email me your email addy/IM name and I'll point you towards some other stuff.

[only_me_1974]

Broken, I just sent you my email.

[itsallgrand]

I just wanted to say congratulations on keeping that doctor's appt. and telling her what you've been going through. That must have been difficult, but you did it!

 

You deserve a pat on the back for that. Be proud.

 

I'm really glad to hear you found a nice doc. I hope you come back around here and talk to us some more.