Being attractive is not always rosey

[mokajava]

Hi all,

 

I just found out about this site and I think it's pretty cool!

 

I guess I don't really have a problem but I just want to vent...

 

I'm 32 and one of my biggest issues right now is my appearance. I'm an attractive girl and this fact has brought me a lot of discomfort and problems.

I lost my best friend b/c for the past 3 years she bacame very jealous of me and it got to a point where she would put me down in public and call me names. Also, the guys at work constantly harass me and flirt with me even though they have gfs or are married! I find it very disrespectful and always try to keep my distance but nevertheless it's bothersome.

 

I'm always greeted nicely by people when I'm at, say, the store, or restaurant or any other public place (that is cool!), but I feel that they judge me and treat me like that b/c of the way I look, so I always tell myself: "they're nice to you b/c you're pretty, not b/c of your personality, if it were for your personality, they'd be more cold or rude". I feel like they don't give me a chance to show "the real me", whether they like it or not.

Sometimes I find myself dressing down so I would just "blend in" and mix with the rest.

 

And now, my latest problem....my b/f thinks that I like all this male attention and might consider the possibility of cheating on him. He hasn't said so, but I do get the feeling that this might become a bigger problem in the future! Yikes!

 

I have to say I haven't always been good-looking, I "blossomed" late, at around age 22, so I couldn't care less about appearance, b/c to me that's not what matters the most, but unfortunately ppl keep emphasizing it, and I must admit on some days it makes me feel so insecure that I cry.

 

I just don't find myself to be "that" attractive, just ok looking, although my b/f has told me that I'm very sensual and I do stand out...

 

Does this make any sense? Anyway, I don't know if I'm venting, just sharing my story, or if I'm really looking for advice, to get ppl's opinions, ideas, whatever.

 

thx for reading.

[melrich]

What happened at age 22 that you suddenly became attractive?

[mokajava]

hahahha

 

well, I developed breasts! My body just developed the right curves, my hair went from dull and dry to beautiful long, curls, I gained weight!

 

In my teens, I was your typical "dork": glasses, acne, waif....so, no, it's not like I was born like this, the way I look now...

[yeawutever]

Yea, some people blossom real late than others, everyday has different stages. Just ignore those who just like your appearances and can't see the real you, you don't need them. Afterall you have a b/f that cares about you.

[B_Rock]

This is going to sound REALLY dumb and in all honesty its not going to help you at all but I guess I feel the need to put in my 2 cents because thats what the internet allows us to do!

 

While I was in college I was a bank teller over the summers and when I would have an attractive young woman come to my window I would make a special point to be as disinterested and non-chelant (sp?) as possible. I figure that super attractive people ALWAYS get attention and I guess I would try my best to ignore that fact. I suppose I was a little cold about it because I kind of though of it like "this person doesn't deserve my extra attention". I've continued to do this still.

 

In all honesty I think it totally depends on the personality. You're humble enough to realize the extra attention isn't fair I would hope (it seems that way at least.) But there are people that are quite stuck up about themselves and thrive on the attention.

 

And the thing about your bf, I would have to say I would probably feel the same way. Perhaps silly, but there is always a better guy and since guys are superficial and base everything on looks we assume that you can get whoever you want. So, if someone better comes along we assume you'd upgrade.

[B_Rock]

You know, I hate it when I go back and read my hastily composed posts. I write some of the stupidest mistakes sometimes. I promise - I'm not as dumb as I make myself look. -dunce

[mokajava]

thank you for your replies!!

 

You're right, I don't think it's fair, I actually feel worse sometimes, b/c I know they're nice not for my personality, so I end up feeling guilty.

 

And no, I'm not stuck up, because I haven't always been this way and inside I'm always the same person, I personally don't think I'm "all that".

 

I just feel like I constantly have to fight with society, and this in turn makes me very insecure...

[B_Rock]

I certainly don't mean this with any malecious intent (I use big words that I can't spell, can you tell!?) but I'd cut your losses because there are MANY people that mave much bigger issues with their appearance. I my mind I'd rather people flocking to me then fleaing away!

[mokajava]

Yes, I know what you mean...a lot of ppl tell me that. People have this idea that being attractive is all good, hence my title, b/c it's not true!

 

I'm also worried about my b/f....cause I told him the other day that the guys at work flirted with me!! I don't know if this was a mistake, b/c now I get the feeling that he doesn't trust me anymore, or will always be suspicious of me.

 

I'm pretty messed up, can you tell?

[euphoria]

Funny you mention that B-rock. I'm the same way it's actually one of my biggest (if not my biggest) pet peeve of all time.

 

I'm a man, and I HATE when the other guys in my store, let attractive women get free stuff, or get extra stuff, or go out of their way to do something extra for them, just because they are attractive. Or they find a reason to come walk by my customer, and pretend they need something just so they can be in front of them, or look at them haha. But, when someone comes into the store that is not as attractive, they won't do all those things they in fact don’t do any and are sometimes even rude to them.

 

I sometimes wonder if the woman knows that’s why they are getting extra care or if they are just clueless. I just don't like people getting treated differently based on looks. I hope they all think like you moka

[mokajava]

Hi euphoria,

I think most women know they are getting a special treatment, mostly because it just doesn't look natural, the guy doing extra stuff to get attention, sometimes it just obvious.

 

People place so much attention on looks that I've become obsessed about my appearance. It's hard to find a balance between the way I feel inside and the way I look outside. For me it's a constant battle. It's very hard to explain!

 

But hearing others points of view is cool!

[B_Rock]

euphoria - I'm glad other people pick up on those things. Its REALLY sad that it happens but unfortunately thats the way the world is. Funny what people place value on. Who needs your attention more, the old lady who can't reach an item or the hot chick who had no intention of actually buying anything? If you are a guy you'd most likely struggle with the decision.

 

MocaJava (you seem nice, but I don't like coffee I can see your concern w/ your bf. I guess he will just have to learn to be a little more secure. I'm not sure how you would help him with that because I don't know what would make me feel better either. As far as whether or not it was a good idea to tell him - you didn't know how he was going to react. So, I'd think before you bother to tell him again. But, he'd be an idiot to think it would never happen.

 

Anyway, nice chatting with you all, I'm off to bed. Can't wait to see where the conversation has lead you by tomorrow.

 

Brandon

[mokajava]

B-Rock, you sound very funny!!

 

thanks for the replies....take care.

[B_Rock]

I edited my previous post if you want a more coherent version of my thoughts.

 

 

 

Nite

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Hey wait a minute. You say this as if you and B rock were in agreement. Actually I think B rock was pretty clear that he is RUDE---ER to the attractive women.

 

So folks....which is it??

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

While I was in college I was a bank teller over the summers and when I would have an attractive young woman come to my window I would make a special point to be as disinterested and non-chelant (sp?) as possible. I figure that super attractive people ALWAYS get attention and I guess I would try my best to ignore that fact. I suppose I was a little cold about it because I kind of though of it like "this person doesn't deserve my extra attention". I've continued to do this still.

 

I feel I've been a victim to this type of discrimination for most of my adult life. Thanks.

[euphoria]

I don't think he is saying that teddy. At least what I think he is saying, is that he treats everyone the same, and doesn't treat people who are more attractive differently.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I don't think he is saying that teddy. At least what I think he is saying, is that he treats everyone the same, and doesn't treat people who are more attractive differently.

 

I do think that's what he was saying. He goes out of his way not to be nice to attractive girls because in his mind they don't deserve it. Go back and read it again.

[euphoria]

I know what he typed, but I think he meant that. But I may be wrong, wouldn't be the first time.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I know what he typed, but I think he meant that. But I may be wrong, wouldn't be the first time.

 

I've heard what would otherwise be decent men say his exact same sentiment countless times. So I don't think it's exactly a stretch to believe it. And I don't think it's an honorable way to treat people.

[euphoria]

Well if that is the case, then that's wrong too. Just as bad as the guys who treat people who are not as attractive differently. Bleh

 

But I really think he meant no harm from it haha

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm sure discriminators probably don't feel the harm the way discriminatees do.

[mokajava]

Yes, I guess treating attractive ppl like that is wrong!

 

Thank God most of the time ppl are nice to me, cause I already have enough issues with this, I don't need strangers being mean!

 

Bottom line is: societly will always discriminate, whether your beautiful or ugly.

 

Like I said before, we could use some balance.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm attractive and petite. Perhaps people could realize that contrary to their fantasies about my life....I work probably 3 times as hard as the rest because having to overcome their discriminatory little fantasies about how easy my life is.....

[euphoria]

Well like moka said, knowing that they are treating you differently because of how you look must be annoying. I'm not saying I don't see both sides of it. You got to be able to weed through the a-holes who discriminate because of how you look, and the guys who actually sincerely like you for who you are.

 

Bottom line is if you are going to treat an attractive person very well, you better treat everyone else like that, or you have absolutely no moral values.