So She Writes Me

[NCTuskie]

Almost a week after I replied to my ex's text message inquiry about her Tennis shoes, she writes me a letter (as I predicted).

 

Background info can be found here:

 

 

 

The Text Message can be found in a thread I started a week ago.

 

She doesn't say anything that she didn't say 4 weeks ago, when she "needed" time to think.

 

I'll paraphrase her letter but it goes something like this:

 

"This is hard for me. I am sorry if I led you on and I know I hurt you. I felt at the time that I did want to spend the rest of my life and my girls life with you. Now I've through all these changes (She's newly enlisted in the Army and attending AIT), I feel as if I'll never be ready to commit my life to marriage because of the fact that I don't believe in divorce. I don't put myself andmy girls through anything close to that. Yeah I might be doing it now, but I feel that this is the right and the best thing to do. I feel real bad for all that your going through, and for doing this to you.

I never set out to or intended to hurt you in anyway.

 

I hope that we can look past the hurt and pain and befriend, (my name). You are such the sweetest person that I've ever met. I hope that you stay that way. I know that you have a lot offer any female and the one who marry, or be with is so lucky to have you in her life. Nothing can change how I feel about you. I love you (my name), but I'm not in love with you. I feel that you've loved me more than I've ever loved you. You put me on your pedalstool, but I feel I don't deserve that because I didn't feel the same way about you. I don't know what else to say or do to make either one of us happy and not hurt.

 

Thank you for what you've done for me and my girls. If there is anything that I can do for you just let me know and I'll try to do it. Ok. I'm so sorry (my name). I'll try to call you or write you. Take care, and I wish only the best for you and your future. I hope find your true happiness. I really hope that we can be friends and work through this. Let me know when you get this okay."

 

 

Well if this came two weeks ago, or if I hadn't visited this forum, I would be in worse shape than I am right now. I actually feel fine. I almost laughed as I read it. I predicted that she'd take the non-confrontational route. Since we last spoke, I initiated NC (25 days strong). Only contact I received from her was about her sneakers.

 

I'm still unsure where to go now. I'm fine with more NC, but I don't want her to think I'm sitting around crying over her, and I don't want to look like an * * * * * * *. Do I tell her that I got the letter? Or keep on with NC?

 

Both of us are Military, and we'll have a chance to meet face-to-face next month sometime. Should I take advantage of that? Or let it go?

 

While this is the third or fourth person to break up with me, this is the first one who's wanted to stay civil. All the others have broken contact, and I'm glad to be rid of them. So while moving on is not a new thing for me, this part of it is.

 

Any input is appreciated.

[heloladies21]

Well most of what she's writing is to absolve her guilt so no need to fall for it. You're not here to make her feel better about herself at your expense.

 

No need to respond, there's nothing there to respond to.

[keefy1972]

I say send her a letter back. Tell her that you appreciate all of her kind words, but not to worry, because you are doing fine. You are coming to realize all of the advantages of single life and are enjoying yourself. Also tell her that you agree that a split was for the best. You have no problems being her friend as she truly is a great person. Then go back to NC.

[saltwatergirl]

Great suggestion by Keefy. Take heed.

 

Salt

[blindreepr]

only send a letter if you are prepared for the fact that you may very well not get a reply back.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Either NC, or Keefy's message. Brief and leave no openings for replies. Then NC.

[NCTuskie]

Should I write or call? I've been a little put off that she's been playing the text message and letter game, when she could have called. I feel like writing is impersonal, but the best route seeing how she's in training.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

since she's not calling just text...or write....or ignore....

[NCTuskie]

I do have a question about unresolved issues... When she called to break up with me 4 weeks ago, she pretty much said her peace, and I couldn't say anything except accept what she dished to me.

 

In the days following, I started having questions I wanted answered. But now it being four weeks later, I don't really care (or feel a need) to have those questions answered. It's not going to change anything as far as I'm concerned. Although I wanted to have my say (which I still haven't had) and would liked to have gotten everything out on the table... that was 4 weeks ago. I don't see a need now. Is that healthy? Should we both come to a mutual understanding of the break up, instead of it being unilateral?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Can you give a few examples of what issues you wished you'd brought up?

 

Also, why didn't you?

[NCTuskie]

I wanted to know how long she'd been feeling that way, if anything precipitated it? If she had any doubts before why didn't she say anything before?

 

I wanted to let her know that while I wasn't ready for marriage myself, I was curious as to why we went back to being friends?

 

I never have had a chance to discuss this namely because she's in training.

 

As the weeks have passed, I've grown to accept the outcome, and move on. So now it's not something thats keeping me up at night.

[NCTuskie]

As far as letting her know how I felt... I sent a letter the next morning after she broke up (before I found this forum). So she knows how I feel, but we've had no discussion about it since then.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Well, if you've let her know what you thought then good for you. And It sounds like the best thing for you to do is move on, because it sounds like she is either not interested in persuing it, or maybe she just is too busy with everything else right now, so I think you'd be best to assume it's over and move on.

[NCTuskie]

Thanks for the input. Its been a rough month, but I know I'm better now.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

There's other fishies out in the sea...you will meet a keeper one day...

[keefy1972]

Should you come to a mutual understanding about the breakup, is that healthy? Absolutely it is. You do that when you both are content that it's over. Your LETTER to her will do just that. I say letter because you can edit and avoid sounding emotional or anything. Hard to do that on the phone. Just do as I suggest. A few weeks of NC and she will be beating down your door. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

[NCTuskie]

She text me and then calls me this morning to wish me a Happy Birthday. She also asked me to call her. Since it is my birthday... I gave her the "voicemail" button. And I won't call her back, right away.

 

Tomorrow I'm gonna send some of her stuff back... actually stuff that belongs to her daughters. I don't want her to use that as an excuse to make contact again.

 

I'm still worried about what to do when she graduates AIT in three weeks. She'll probably be home for a couple of weeks, then sent to where ever it is she's going. It'll be the first chance I'll have to see her since the split up. I do want to know where she's going.

 

At least for the next three weeks (I'll be leaving for my own training) it'll be all out-of-sight-out-of-mind.

[heloladies21]

You know, I used to be a big fan of handling things this way, but I feel there is a better approach. More direct, lay all the cards out on the table, take everything to completion until there's no longer anything left to say.

 

If she calls again, interrupt her small talk as soon as she starts it. Ask her why she's calling. If you get anything like "I want to see how you're feeling", let her know where you stand and what you want. Say it firm, you're merely letting her know your desires, not trying to convince her into anything.

 

If you only want a relationship with her and no let's just be friends, tell her that. If she's not on board, there'll be nothing left to say to each other so she should stop calling you. If she continues, remind her of your position each and every time.

[NCTuskie]

Well I've been talking to people and folks have been 50/50 of No Contact versus Limited Contact. I agree with not being led into small talk or BS'ing, but I think anybody would know when they're being intentionally ignored.

[heloladies21]

but I think anybody would know when they're being intentionally ignored.

 

No way man, I promise you she's just gonna think you're mad at her and won't know the reason why. I know, it doesn't make sense, but that's what she's going to think. You have to spell it out for her.

[NCTuskie]

I send a text message last night just thanking her the birthday wishes. She calls within 15 minutes. I pick up the phone. She wishes me a happy birthday again... tells me where she's going to be assigned (which isn't unreasonably far from here)... tells me she's getting physical therapy... then she asks if I'm mad/upset with her... I told her "no, not really, why do you ask?"... the conversation tapers down from there. She said she'd call back when we had plenty of time to talk.

 

Talk about a month's worth of moving on, almost being undone in a 3 minute and 1 second conversation. I felt awful, but the silver lining was that I was glad I didn't get lured into small talk. If I can hold out until the end of this week, I'll be out of communication for two whole weeks, and communication with her (or anybody else) will not be an option.

 

Today I decided not to sit around... I mailed her daughters items, taking away the last legitimate excuse she could use to get hold of me again. I'm also contacting my out-of-state job recruiters, and the Navy detailer... still moving forward. I didn't even entertain looking for a job where she's going to be assigned.

[heloladies21]

but the silver lining was that I was glad I didn't get lured into small talk.

 

??? That's all I saw in the conversation was small talk. You didn't address any of the important issues that would've helped you move forward. And when she asked if you were angry at her, she wasn't really concerned with your feelings. She feels guilty and was looking to you to make her feel not so guilty. You got used on that statement.

 

If I can hold out until the end of this week, I'll be out of communication for two whole weeks, and communication with her (or anybody else) will not be an option.

 

This might help some, but why not let the healing begin right away? Call her and talk about the things I posted to you about. Say "Hi" and go right into it. Don't even ask how her day was or how she's feeling or any of that. "Say this is the way I feel about the situation and this is what I want to have happen." This is what to do if you wanna do what's right for you.

[NCTuskie]

I forgot to mention that in my last post... I figured thats what she was up to... absolving herself of any guilt.

[NCTuskie]

She asks me about tickets to a theme park. I already had them printed out and ready to go, and we were going to take the kids when she graduated from AIT. Since they were free... I didn't lose anything.

 

Instead of calling me herself, she sends her mother to call about the tickets. I give her the website, and tell her it's self-explanatory how to get them. Her mother didn't say anything about me tagging along. It pissed me off because going there was my idea, and I knew how to get the tickets. But since they're free... I guess I'm not losing out on anything.

[enivel]

Just keep doing what you're doing. I am doing NC right now, unannounced. She calls me at work for small talk, I let her talk, tell her I need to go and might say something nice like "good luck with your new job." Just make it clear through your attitude that you are not interested in being friends. If she wants a listening ear, she needs to find a friend, not a member of the opposite sex that she has been intimate with. I kept in contact with an ex who dumped me almost four years ago, told her I wasn't interested in being friends, and made it clear to her that I am not a little sissy and that I'm moving on with my life. When I was with someone else I told her it isn't fair to talk to her. She called me last night to say how badly she wants me back. This is a girl who used "loved you but not in love with you" to me several times over almost 4 years. When you've really moved on and don't need her, she will feel that way again.

 

In terms of her letter, etc. it's an ego trip. I dated a woman for a year, for 11 months she felt stronger for me than I did for her. Then she dumped me, I told her I loved her and pleaded to get her back, she told me she can't because I love her and she doesn't love me, so it would be weird. The reality is relationships fluctuate, just because she felt that way last doesn't mean anything. We think of love as something permanent, stamped onto a relationship between two people, but it isn't.