All the good ones taken...?

[jurupa]

Kevin I saw your post on what find attractive in another thread and I would say that you remind me of a friend of mine, that was once like you. My friend use to be pretty much as picky as you are and would not step down from his high standards, asks me for help with girls. Well in trying to help him out his pickyness and high standards where getting in the way. I was able to break them down, even tho it took me about 5 months to do it, and two weeks ago he ask for a girls number, and he said that the girl was ok looking, but was interested enough to ask for her number. He has also seen with my help that with lower standards and being able to pick up on flirting from girls he is seeing how many girls are actually show interest in him.

 

I told him that I am not trying to lowe his standards so low that he will get bad "apples", but he is looking over girls that may actually be a good fit for him, but do not fit to the bill perfectly, or even not see that one girl you would never suspect you be attracted to and is a perfect fit for you. I also told him it is good to have standards and know what you want, but they will also change with time and that it is best to keep an open mind becuase you never know what will happen, espeically when it comes to girls.

 

And far as find the good ones, they are usually "hideing" in some place you don't look to find them. I am talking about girls that are in clubs, non profit groups, etc.

[inmytreehouse]

I have to agree with jurupa. I was in the same situation with guys - couldn't find any single ones I liked, and the ones I did like were all taken!! I've since discovered that I was being way too fussy, and to lower my standards. Well no, not lower my standards, more like learning to not expect Mr Perfect. Coz he don't exist. Neither does Miss Perfect. Any nice, decent single guy (or girl in your case) should be given a chance, coz you never know. When you get to know them you might discover you want to spend more and more time with them, and are able to overlook their negatives, because everyone has them.

[Kevin T]

Well, there are certain absolutes that will not change no matter how much time passes. But there are also things that can and will fluctuate over time as well, so it depends.

 

I'm not expecting perfection in every way, shape and form. But I must at least be physically attracted to her. That means she cannot be overweight (and I have had my fair share of heavier girls pursue me, which baffles me, to be honest). Oh well.

[Blue Dreamer]

If there are no good singles left then you must fall into that category too since you are single. If you're unattractive then it's doubtful the opposite sex regards you as a 'good one' either.

 

You go ancalagon. Smart response.

 

Kevin (this is response to the original post),

 

I have read a few of your posts over time. Apperently you truly percieve yourself as ugly, nobody can change that belief except yourself. You have been told you can via many helpful members here at enotalone yet you fail to see that concept. Sadly, you believe you have convinced youself you will always be as ugly as you think you are. Luckily, deep in your heart, you know you will always be as gorgeous as you think you are. Also, you know you will always be as smart as you think you are. F**k what the majority thinks and defines you to be, and think for yourself. Failing to do this will keep you right where you are now. Jailed in a life of self torture.

 

You must forget your looks and learn that any respectable women won't focus on your looks, but on you, inside. Your persenality and confidence should entirely define your future if you allow it to. You want a hot chick, open your mind to internal forms of attraction.

 

If you fail to grow up and see the importance in true relations between men and women, you will likely die an unhappy, regretful man from what I can tell. Fortunately these are my perceptions, not reality, right?

 

Honestly, I feel you have spent to much time here Kevin. It is about time for you to grow inside. If you don't, and blow off reality messages like this, and keep posting your struggles here; Seriously imagine yourself as an elder, as you probably already have, jokingly in your mind. Think about it, your elder years are likely as you define them today.

 

Don't get me wrong, you can be a mack daddy elder man if you want, scoring points in the local retirement home. Nothing personal, but I have every intention of avoiding the mack daddy retirement home life. Just an example.

 

You know what you want, so take care of yourself and really live for what you need to do about your future.

 

Speals.

[Kevin T]

shiznit,

 

I definitely spend too much time here. I only post when I'm down and/or looking for advice. That's why I can disappear for weeks at a time. My problem doesn't always bother me, but when it does, I'm always looking to vent... or for an answer. Sadly, talking about things almost always puts me in a worse mood, not a better one, which just further perpetuates the cycle.

 

I agree with what you said. It's all about perception. But it's not that I think I'm a goblin, I just get frustrated when I don't receive the attention I think I should (once again, it's high expectations, not low ones that bring me down. Or maybe, the lack of their fulfillment that does.) I mentioned this in another post. Anyhow, if I could get rid of these self-defeating thoughts and attitudes, then my problem would be gone. I'd be exuding a better attitude, I imagine, and would be attracting the right kind of people. That much I know.

 

One problem, though: Over time, I've developed a bad fear of rejection. Namely, I think I'm so reluctant to get into a relationship again, I end up failing before I even try. It's so odd; on one hand I want a relationship with someone great, but on the other hand, I fear getting into a relationship with someone great because I don't want to allow myself to be hurt again. This causes me to be shy and reserved with women (I'm not normally shy at all BTW), and I hate it. I'd like to overcome this problem, but am not too sure how exactly to do it.

 

Mentioned this elsewhere, if anyone's interested, go read the other post. I'm too lazy to copy and paste or retype what I already said elsewhere.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Many a gem hids in cole,

 

you need to look deeper

[Kevin T]

I'm sure there are. It was how I was seeing things, not how they really were.

[heloladies21]

One problem, though: Over time, I've developed a bad fear of rejection. Namely, I think I'm so reluctant to get into a relationship again, I end up failing before I even try. It's so odd; on one hand I want a relationship with someone great, but on the other hand, I fear getting into a relationship with someone great because I don't want to allow myself to be hurt again. This causes me to be shy and reserved with women (I'm not normally shy at all BTW), and I hate it. I'd like to overcome this problem, but am not too sure how exactly to do it.

 

See I knew it! Lucky for you this is something you can overcome and it's gonna take some work no doubt. I'm still in the process, but improving my results all the time. I can't believe the point where i'm at through hard work and learning.

 

So let's break this cycle of dispair and why don't you go check out those sites I posted. Try some of the things they're teaching/showing you. It's a life changing experience if you'll just open your mind and dive right in.

 

Otherwise at this point you really can't complain anymore, because you have the answer right in front of you, but aren't willing to take it. There's nobody else you could blame for that except yourself.

[jurupa]

Well, there are certain absolutes that will not change no matter how much time passes. But there are also things that can and will fluctuate over time as well, so it depends.

 

I'm not expecting perfection in every way, shape and form. But I must at least be physically attracted to her. That means she cannot be overweight (and I have had my fair share of heavier girls pursue me, which baffles me, to be honest). Oh well.

I totally agree with what you posted. In someways I almost want heavyer girsl going after me than girls that are older than I or are married or have boyfriends. Becuase that seems to be the main crowd of girls I tend to attract, why I have no freaking clue. I would just like a change up in the type of girls that are interested in me.

[Kevin T]

I've been noticing a lot of hot girls at work recently. Probably a great place to start.

 

I wonder if it's a good idea to pursue someone at work? What do you think?

[jurupa]

I've been noticing a lot of hot girls at work recently. Probably a great place to start.

 

I wonder if it's a good idea to pursue someone at work? What do you think?

In my book of "rules", I stay away from girls at work unless they are in a different divison and I will never have to go to them to complete my work. If you are wonder why I say this is becuase if and when the relationship ends and the two of you are still at the same company with the same jobs, things will most probably be extremely odd and uncontfrontable, and awkward. Do you really want that at work when you have to work with the girl? I didn't think so.

[Kevin T]

Don't really care. Tried that with another girl at work and now we don't talk much. I've spoken to her a couple times since, but since we are always working with new people, it doesn't matter anyway. My job is extremely busy and we rarely, if ever, have to depend on each other to finish a job (being that it is an office job). So if things didn't work out (and why should I be expecting failure before I even try?) then so what? Should I care? Should I run out and quit my job? Nah, let HER leave if it becomes a problem.

 

I don't really like the idea of passing up a many good opportunities that are right in front of me just because of what "may" go wrong at some point in the future. That would be... pretty much what I've been doing all along, just under the guise of "fearing rejection." Either way, the end result is the same: I don't even bother trying, which is stupid and pointless.

 

Nevertheless, I appreciate your opinion and where you were coming from. Thanks.

[jurupa]

I understand what your saying and it is not the first time that I have gotten that very same argument. There are times when you just have to say the hell with it and just do it. I have done it on more than one once, and it can produce some very interesting results to say the least.

[Kevin T]

Hey, better to give things a shot with a chick from work than to sit at home alone on a Saturday night bemoaning how "no one likes me", ri~ght?

[heloladies21]

Honestly, I used to have this no dating at work policy, but i'm trying to get away from reasoning myself out of hitting on girls. If I kept with the same line of thought, I would keep convincing myself out of these situations only because of the possibility of conflict.

 

I see no problem with it as long as you're cool if things don't work out. Just make sure you don't do anything REALLY dumb to her which would make her vindictive. Other than that you should be fine.

[jurupa]

I may change my "rules" down the road, but unless I move out of the area I live in, I high doubt that I will. I am aware that it will kill a lot of chances, but right now I don't really care becuase I now work at home, so no girls to talk to unless they are clients and even then it is thru e-mails. So I don't have to worry about this rule at all.

[Kevin T]

Honestly, I used to have this no dating at work policy, but i'm trying to get away from reasoning myself out of hitting on girls. If I kept with the same line of thought, I would keep convincing myself out of these situations only because of the possibility of conflict.

 

I see no problem with it as long as you're cool if things don't work out. Just make sure you don't do anything REALLY dumb to her which would make her vindictive. Other than that you should be fine.

 

If it doesn't work out, I'll just move on to the next one. Hot girls are a dime a dozen at work, so it shouldn't be a problem.

 

If she becomes vindictive, I'm not too worried about it. It couldn't backfire on me, I always do my job and make sure I cover my back.

[Kevin T]

Ehh, in any event, I'm starting to backslide back to my original position.

 

It IS hard to find anyone decent. It certainly does seem that all of the "good ones" are taken.

 

We can argue that point all day, but that's what I have been seeing firsthand lately, so I have to concede to what I see with my own eyes.

[ancalagon]

Possibly, possibly.

 

So at least you prove my point then.

 

Thank you.

 

My original post was intended more as a critique of how unfair it is to say "All the good ones are taken" because it implies only substandard girls are still single.

 

I agree with the other posters who say you need to take a closer look at the standards you are applying to girls. If you truly think all the 'good ones' are taken it just means you've set unrealistic standards on what constitutes a 'good' one.

 

A lot of your posts seem to talk about either 'hot girls' or how unattractive you are. If you fail to see the irony of this you need to step back and consider more than just your physical appearance.

[kiwifly]

hmm, haven't had the time to read all the comments before me, but after reading the original post I just wanted to put in my 2c in here. I think by saying "all the good ones are taken" just makes it seem like us single girls are no good. Most of my close girlfriends are single. They are all smart, beautiful, funny and could easily make any man happy if they chose to. But alas, no one asks them. I'm single as well, and I don't think the ones that are taken are any better than me.

 

I think you might just be lookin in the wrong places for these girls. What, to you, is the "right" girl? If you set some sort of definition to it, maybe you could go someplace where those types of girls would be found. From my personal experience, I know I probably wouldn't have much luck finding my match at the local bar/club scene. Go out and give some of these girls that you pass as not good enough a chance, and maybe you'll be surprised with what you may find.

[Kevin T]

Okay, maybe you guys arent getting what I am saying. It has nothing to do with substandard or not. The bottomline is, within my sphere of influence, the females I encounter that I would be interested in, tend to all be taken. That has nothing to do with how attractive, or lackthereof, I am or how all the other girls who are single are somehow lesser in value as people. Frankly, most of the females I encounter simply tend to be in relationships. Whether they be girlfriend material for me or not, actually, is irrelevant, since they are already involved.

 

And as for "looking in the wrong places"... where do you propose that I look? I view every and anywhere I go as potential places to meet someone great. However, I am extremely (note EXTREMELY) busy since I work full-time AND attend university full-time, hence my only real outlets for seeking a mate come from both the aforementioned places, as well as... *snicker*... church.

 

I know I would NOT find a potential suitable match for myself at a bar or nightclub... so guess what? I don't go to those places! Considering the fact that I don't drink... at all, it would seem pretty senseless to look for someone whose greatest source of pleasure in life comes from a bottle. However, advising me to try dating girls whom I am not at all attracted to is... well, something I am not even going to consider.

 

Why should I have to settle just because the females I meet seem to all be in relationships already? That would hardly make me happy. I'd sooner be alone... Oh wait! I already am! lol

 

In any event, the fact remains that the girls (that I meet) whom I would consider dating are all basically taken already. Elsewhere in the world, I could not care less about (as that has no waverance on me finding anyone or not), so bear in mind I'm not referring to wherever you guys may be. Just where I happen to be, based on whom I have been meeting.