Be Honest, if you were his parents would you approve of me?

[Confessoress]

I just thought about this today. As some of you may know, my boyfriend hasn't told his parents about me. I got to thinking today about myself. I'm going to list aspects of myself, and you put yourself in their shoes and tell me what you'd think of me if you were them. Both good and bad aspects.

 

• I'm 22 years old. I live with my Dad in a small apartment, he's a taxis driver. I don't come from a wealthy family. We do not own property.
  
• I don't have a stable job at the moment.
  
• I did not go to university. I do not have a degree.
  
• I don't drive and I don't have a car. I did however get my provisional license a couple of weeks ago.
  
• I don't smoke and very rarely do I drink.
  
• I lived in Asia for 3 years, I like different cultures and races and adjust well.
  
• I'm a good cook.
  
• I'm well-spoken, have good manners, friendly, helpful and well dressed.
  
• I'm family orientated.
  
• I have a few minor qualifications.
  
• I am trying, I don't give up.
  
• I'm over-weight.
  
• I love their son and want what's best for him (although you could argue I'm not good for him).
  
• I'm shy.
  
• I don't know what career I want, if I want one at all.
  
• I would learn their first language and culture happily.

?

[lovecrazy]

OK lets start with the I HAVE A DREAM SPEECH, by Martin Luther King..

 

Do you honestly think his family at one point in their entire existence, didnt come from the same exact place that you are at RIGHT NOW!

 

Honestly some people who value money and material things, over someone's qualities isnt really a good person to start with (THIS IS IN MY OPINON ONLY) Money can only buy so much happiness. Self worth is not based on how much money you have, its based on honesty, hard working, and commitment you have to something, or to someone.

 

If he honestly doesnt see these as good qualities, then he is the one with the problems...I have spoken to you, and you seeem to be trying to improve your life. You have the want and the smarts.

As far as not owning any property, my family has never owned a house for more than a year. And we have lived in Mobile Homes most of my life, and apartments. And in some peoples eyes I am viewed as "white trailor trash" well guess what I am proud of it. If you dont like where I live and you stick your nose up at me...well you know where to go...lets just put it that way.

 

Also as far as approving of you, I from experience go from gut feelings about people, and I am never usually wrong. I go by someone's manners, not their job or money status. I could careless if I were rich, I have a grasp on reality.

 

And from talking to you the few times I have on here, you seem like a genuine person, so yes if I were his parents I would approve of you. Hopefully when he finally does tell his parents, they will go by how you treat their son, rather than you come from a wealthy family!

 

And honestly if they dont, tell them to put it where the sun dont shine...

 

Oh and have a great day

[Dako]

I don't know your entire story, but if his folks are snobs, don't torture yourself trying to please them. Been there, done that. If you cater to them, they can get too comfortable with cracking the whip.

 

You're only 22, so world conquest isn't to be expected of you.

 

My snobby ex-in-laws asked me my career plans when I first met them even though I had a really good job. I announced aspirations as a roadside litter removal technician. They just stared at me.

[BellaDonna]

I don't have a stable job at the moment.

 

If I imagine myself in the shoes of a parent- that would be the only thing that would concern me from your list.

 

However, if I knew you were trying to find work, and you found a job in due time, it would not be a dealbreaker.

 

 

BellaDonna

[NJRon]

Is this the same guy that want you to repay money you two spent on a trip together before he will come and see you... yet, at the same time, was planning on taking a trip of his own?

 

If it is, then his parents are snobby... he's snobby... who's thriving on your self-doubts. Certainly not you... who else could it be?

[arwen]

The stable job would maybe bother me, but not having a stable job is something else than being unemployed AND unwilling to work (unemployment of course is mostly unvoluntary and most people really try to jobhunt while not working). Are you doing some temp work? I think most parents will ask about your plans for the future. My parents would welcome you (well, if I was a boy that is). However, I come from a not so wealthy family and my first bf came from a rich family. His mother surely looked down on my family but then again, no one was good enough for her son.

 

I think you should just see what happens. Why didn't your bf tell them about you? I think that is the more relevant question. You are a great person, and he should be proud to be your bf. If he's not, YOUR qualities or imperfections are NOT the cause of that. How long have you been together?

 

Ilse

[flower99]

honsetly yes, I would approve of you...wait how long have you been out of work? are you looking?...only reason would be does my son have to support you? he he he

-You lived in another country for 3 years. (willing to get out of your comfort zone & experience things)

-family oriented & good cook (always good qualities)

-You are willing to learn about there culture (accepting them & expanding yourself)

-You love thier son....good manners & kind (Important)

 

That right there says a lot of good about you, more valueable things than money. so yes I would approve.

Now why hasn't your bf told them about you?

[Momene]

Most of what you list are what I (as a parent) would regard as green, rather than red flags. The no stable job or career plans I see as yellow flags, not just as a girlfriend but also for your own future whether you end up with him or not.

[Confessoress]

Hey all. 1 year and a couple of months we've been together.

 

As for seeing each other. He obviously changed his mind since then because we've seen each other twice since then. I had work, which is probably why. He thought I should be concerntrating on sorting myself before seeing each other. He was probably right.

 

But anyway...

[NJRon]

Well then, if it's been over a year and he hasn't mentioned you to his parents, that is such a huge red flag I can probably see it from here if I stick my head out the window. This is nothing about trying to figure out why you aren't good enough. Everyone has pros and cons.

 

He supposedly thinks you're good enough to be seeing after over a year, but not good enough to mention to his parents? That just makes no sense to me. Don't sit there picking yourself apart. There is no fault on your end.

[Confessoress]

I feel really excluded. This is a major factor. He tells me all the things he's doing with his family. And it just starts to dig further and further into my gut. When he talks about his Sister and how great she is I now get extremely jealous and resentful, not that he knows that.

 

I mean... he plays games on is games console with her (and his brother-in-law). They watch movies together, hang out, go out for meals, go shopping together and do all the things I want to do with him. I resent they get to see him all the time and I don't. I want to be part of it too.

 

His brother had is arranged marriage 2 weeks ago. It goes on for a few days. He's had loads of family from Canada staying over. So I was even more hush hush then.

 

When we see each other, it's just me and him sneaking around to hotels. No interaction with the people in his life. His best friend knows about me, it's just his family. In fact when I went up there last week and we meet some people for this film... they asked "So are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend or..." I just looked at my boyfriend, I wondered, but he replied "We are boyfriend and girlfriend".

 

This really is just a family issue. I don't know how much longer I should put up with this.

 

Then this morning, I get this:

 

 

 

I'm at the end of my rope, so to speak. Of course I don't mind him spending time with his family, but I'm sick of this lying.

[Momene]

It seems like this is a cultural issue. If his brother has just had an arranged marriage, it's 90%+ certain that he will do this as well and the best you can hope for with him is to continue as a secret mistress.

 

You deserve better than that!

[Confessoress]

It is a cultural issue. His sister also had an arranged marriage. However, my boyfriend has told me he does NOT want an arranged marriage and he has very much told his family he wants to be with the person he chooses. Chooses, interesting word... that he chooses to fit their mold? Very contridictory. His sister and brother agreed to an arranged marriage.

 

If he could tell them about his ex, he can do the same for me.

 

I think he's trying to avoid a "I told you so" from his parents.

[NJRon]

His actions don't reflect that of someone who would actually go against his parent's wishes for an arranged marriage.

 

Maybe it's culture, maybe it's not. Regardless, if it is something that you don't like, you don't need to live with it. Culture shouldn't be used as an excuse. Compatibility is compatibility...

[Momene]

Being English myself, I know that very few people go against their parents' wishes in this matter. Don't hang around waiting years for him to get married behind your back. It's ultimatum time and if he doesn't step up to the plate, he should get dumped.

[confused25]

You mentioned that you're not sure what career you want and if you want one at all . . . that would probably raise a red flag. I think I would want my children to be with someone that is focused and career oriented.

[Momene]

You mentioned that you're not sure what career you want and if you want one at all . . . that would probably raise a red flag. I think I would want my children to be with someone that is focused and career oriented.

 

The cynical downside of this is that most people who are career focussed end up with unrequited ambitions and we can't all be bank managers or there would be nobody left to work in the shops.

 

People of my age who aren't as career focussed as I am seem to be a lot happier.