blaming myself

[puppeteer]

so...i'm in a pretty dark place right now, obviously.

 

my wife's affair has led me to really analyze what was going wrong with our relationship.

 

aside from the obvious things on her end of this, what did i do wrong...

 

1. i stopped listening to her about what she was really interested in...

this made her feel unloved, and unconsoled.

which led her to look for what was missing in our relationship with another person.

 

so..basically...i'm feeling that i am to blame for my current situation. if i had been the husband she needed me to be, then she wouldn't have cheated.

 

as you can see...alot of this is just self criticism and what not...

 

but needless...i'm in a pretty dark place.

[fishrrshortae]

If you were so bad, why didn't she talk to you about it? Suggest counseling? File for divorce? You didn't deserve to be cheated on and lied to while you were supporting her. Sure, there are things you could have done better. I bet she could have done things better, too.

 

Have you considered going to counseling? You may be able to find low-cost counseling in your area if money is an issue.. Seriously look into it because it could really help YOU figure out what your next move is..

 

Good luck hun

[Dako]

It's all to easy to find all the answers in yourself. Blaming yourself does no good for anyone. After years of giving your heart to a loved one, it's difficult to fault them, even for their worst behavior. In time, you'll be able to rightly put the blame where it belongs, but right now you want answers, and it's natural to look within.

 

You didn't make her cheat, no matter what you did.

She made that choice, and you didn't.

 

You can struggle to learn what went wrong so you don't repeat it, and that's not a bad idea. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the next woman will be different.

[Stambler]

I wouldn't put all the balme on her, we are all human. If you read my posts recently you will see that I too mistreated my wife for many years. She "tried" to tell me that she wasn't happy, but I didn't listen. I think she was in a position to have an affair (although I believe she didn't), as she was so unhappy with me and felt trapped. I am making changes and we are working things through, but I don't know if it will turn out to be a happy ending.

 

People have different ways of coping, so, although I don't approve of what your wife did, I would try my best to accept it if I were you. Talk to her, let her know that you recognize your mistakes and that you forgive her and understand why she did what she did. IF you want her back, don't criticize, beg or plead, just make your changes without telling her that 's what you're doing - she'll notice in time. And if she accepts your changes, you will have a much stronger relationship!

[SquareWheel]

I'm not the best guy to offer relationship advice, given my lack of experience, but for whatever it's worth, here's my opinion:

 

I don't know what the situation was like between the two of you, but it seems to me that if you weren't meeting her emotional needs, she could have communicated this to you. At the very least, she should certainly have attempted that before resorting to such a drastic recourse as an affair.

 

Maybe she tried and you didn't respond, but unless that was the case, I suspect she had some other motive of her own for allowing herself to be lured astray. If you read some of the websites devoted to infidelity, there are a number of reasons why partners stray (and they're different for men and women) which often have nothing to do with flaws in their relationship or their spouse.

 

It sounds to me like you're blaming yourself unfairly, or at least prematurely, until you've found out more about her motive.

[Day_Walker]

I dont think that you need to blame yourself. You are the man you are, if she needs another man that suits her needs then that is her issue not yours. If she had a problem with the kind of man you are, then she shouldnt be involved in you. People get caught up in the potential that they think people have instead of the people they really are.

[bleeder]

You may be right Puppeteer, but you are just covering one side of the coin here.

 

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, yes, you could have been the one guilty of giving your wife the cold shoulder. You might not have paid enough attention to detail especially when it comes to talking or listening. But ask yourself this : If the communication link between the two of you was so bad, why did she not make a move to remedy the situation? Having an affair may be an outlet, but it is by no means a solution.

 

Don't beat yourself up more than what you are responsible for. At least you are aware of your behavior now, so look towards the future.

 

I am not sure if you are still together with her, but it takes a huge amount of forgiveness to overlook an affair. I wish you the very best.

[yeawutever]

Sorry, but NO EXCUSE for cheating. Even if you were to be an abuser constantly hitting her, she could have leave you. Thus, you aren't to blame for this, she had the chose or either talking to you on what was missing or leaving you, not go in another man's arm, which in turn solves nothing, but create more problems than there were originally.

[Cadence308]

I can see how it would be easy to blame yourself for your wife's mess up, but she should have been mature enough to look for ways to improve your relationship, not looking elsewhere. I hope that you both still love each other and can reconcile and get some counseling to work on things. Maybe this affair was an eye opener to both of you...