First love/marriage failed due to illness. How long to get over it?

[nottoogreen]

My first love and wife were together about 9 years. We split up more than 12 years ago after she became a monk over her past rape trauma and failure to have children which lead to her manic depression. We divorced about 10 years ago.

 

Thus it was not a conventional breakup but rather I felt like being a widower after a long losing battle against a fatal illness.

 

I realized that I got over her really only in recent weeks after reading similar stories. It still surprises me.

 

I would appreciate any thoughts and suggestions you may have?

[Meow18]

Thoughts?

 

It sounds like your wife went through some pretty rough times. That's not her fault, and it's definitely not yours.

 

I don't think it's abnormal for it to have taken you up until recently to get over her. 12 years ago is a long time. But you still loved her and she was your first wife and love.

[doyathink]

Hey NTG, I just came accross this post.... I'm sorry to her that. After all of the posting you have done I would think you are more 'skilled' to answer this question than me. You are always good with relationship advice so I really don't know what to tell you.

 

You know as well as I do that it's so very hard to get past a relationship where you still love that person. I think all too often we never do get over them but learn to accept that the relationship became no longer compatable and needed to end. Doesn't mean you no longer love them but the difficulty in living with them overwhelms you...

 

I would imagine she will always have a special place in your heart,embrace it.

[nottoogreen]

Hi meow18 and doyathink,

 

Yes, she has this special place in my heart.

 

I posted this because I was surprised of my feelings which I realized after reading other stories and given others advice.

 

Reading eNotAlone with an open mind is good, but talking to someone is better.

 

Eating my own medicine, I am fine now and thank you for your concern.

[doyathink]

Way to go! And keep up the good work!!

[itsallgrand]

Wow. No wonder you were able to give me such great advice. I'm blown away, nottoogreen.

 

I'm very sorry to hear this. 9 years is a long time, and you were married: much longer than the 3 yrs I had with my man. I sincerely feel for you, and understand the sense of being a 'widower' even though a physical passing is not there.

 

It is so difficult to watch the person we love change into someone else, and to feel them slipping away from us. You need to hear it: there is nothing you could have done. You did everything you could.

She was sick, and who you fell in love with is no longer there.

 

May I ask how the relationship ended? Did she just leave one day?

 

hugs nottoogreen. The experience has clearly made you a very strong person with a lot of empathy for others. I, personally, will always be grateful for you.

 

I'm hear to listen if you want to talk about this some more.

[nottoogreen]

Wow. No wonder you were able to give me such great advice. I'm blown away, nottoogreen.

LOL, I surely could have used my advice 20 years ago. What frustrates me is that perhaps today I could save her mind...

I'm very sorry to hear this. 9 years is a long time, and you were married: much longer than the 3 yrs I had with my man. I sincerely feel for you, and understand the sense of being a 'widower' even though a physical passing is not there.

It was Raykay's wordings but your story and feelings about him. Sorry if I disturb memories.

It is so difficult to watch the person we love change into someone else, and to feel them slipping away from us. You need to hear it: there is nothing you could have done. You did everything you could.

She was sick, and who you fell in love with is no longer there.

Yes, I understood you so well, such is life, it hurts, it distracts and diverts but one has to get on track.

May I ask how the relationship ended? Did she just leave one day?

She was almost 5 years older than me. She was raped about '65. We met - '84. Got married late '85. No pregnancy developed. We tried everything available but her history of vaginal cleaning OCD lead to PID and ovarian/fallopian problems. She had two major operations We got her pregnant twice but she could not keep it. IVF was thus not indicated. The fallopian tubes would close again fast as expected by the surgeons. She wanted a baby. Round about '88 I considered adopting, she refused and was really hurt by my suggestion. She was treated by several psychologists, changing all the time. Afterward, she went from one buddhist society to the next, then to all "churches" including JW. Myself was busy working in my startup business and Hong Kong is expensive. Our relationship deteriorated not the least due to my own inexperience also as she was my first long term relationship, but primarily to due to myself. Today I could do better, but at that time... in '93 she told me seriously that buddha would make her pregnant and she want's to stay in a monestary. A year later I filed for divorce.

 

Edit: She also did a a lot of SI (also while with me) and IIRC two suicide attempts before she met me.

Edit: Just remember I once pulled her in from a window on the 32nd floor.

hugs nottoogreen. The experience has clearly made you a very strong person with a lot of empathy for others. I, personally, will always be grateful for you.

I am also grateful to you and RayKay as by you sharing your stories am I able after all these years to put this to rest. It's great we can help each other!

I'm hear to listen if you want to talk about this some more.

Thank you itsallgrand, the greater story will be forthcoming. What really shocked me after I posted was that those 7 months on my own was the happiest time of my life before moving to Hong Kong age 23.

 

I really regret not to seek help in '94 and ran into another relationship. Regrets

 

Now I am patient and persistent with myself and my gf and the kids of course.

 

Edit - Irony: After she left, the wife of the uncle who raped her age 9 comforted me and was my lover for a few months before kicking me out to find a new wife. (She was 63 at the time, me 33). The meanwhile wheel chair based rapist-uncle of course knew about it.

[Shadows Light]

I don't think you ever really get over someone... if you truly "Loved".

 

And if two people truly "LOVE" one another... I believe this is the creation of the most purest of energies. Its an energy that is living, positive, good.. and I don't believe it dies.

 

I think that sometimes even those who have touched and created LOVE... can get lost in the shadows. Life throws you these curve balls and you re-act.. dance, bob, weave and stumble. Its as if the lovers are walking through a deep dark forest.. complete darkness, and somehow... they lose each other. One will come out of the labyrinth.. the other stays behind for whatever reason. You can go back to get her.. and look and look and try to save it. But it doesn't always work out that way. And at some point... you choose.. LIFE. and you continue on your journey.

 

As someone else already mentioned... it doesn't die. Your souls were once connected and you've touched each others lives... you are bound to carry some of her with you for the rest of your life. You can choose to LEARN from your experience, grow and continue... or you can wallow in self pity of would have, should have, could haves.. and let life pass you by.

 

Its ok to say you've loved her... because you did and in some small way.. you always will. She helped add pieces of the puzzle to your journey. She's an important part of your life. Honor that spirit. Honor the love. And keep on walking in the light.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'm not surprised it took so long to get over her - 9 years is a long time to be with someone.

 

Some people never get over people, so 12 years isn't bad going.

[itsallgrand]

It's good to talk about people we have loved. It is true: we never stop loving them, in our way. Seems to me that dealing with the pain and reality of the situation, helps us to cherish the love more deeply.

 

How difficult a situation. I can only imagine the pain she must have been in. As a woman, I understand how deep that desire to want to carry our own children is. For some, to not be able to is too much.

 

Nottoogreen, have you ever heard from her all these years later?

[nottoogreen]

Nottoogreen, have you ever heard from her all these years later?

She turned 50 earlier this year - I remembered. Seen her/talked last about ten years ago to sign the divorce papers. She lived quite happily in the biggest monestary in HK (with the giant buddha). Her family requested to not contact her again.

 

NC is best in a way.