So Who's Right?? TWO issues!!

[ruined]

I am a stay-at-home mom of my first child (she is almost seven months now), and I feel like my fiance isn't helping out enough with the baby and around the house. Our baby is kind of "needy"-she doesnt like to be put down for too long. I usually dont even have time to shower every day. Yet I still cook dinners (all while watching the baby usually), but the dishes stack up until I have time to wash them, and the laundry stays scattered dirty all over the house until I have time to gather them. I dont ask much from my fiance-we have a dog that he is supposed to walk (and I walk him while he is at work usually) and he is supposed to take the garbage out back to the dumpster. When I was pregnant, we agreed that I would stay home with the baby and he would be the "moneymaker"-if you could call him that. But i've begged him for help because I feel like I am drowning! She is seven months old and he has never even ONCE gotten up with her in the middle of the night or in the morning, he has never fed her in her highchair, and never bathes her, or does her laundry. He barely even plays with her! He sleeps 10 hours a night, goes to work five days a week, and he leaves me home alone with her to go hang out with friends more nights than not...and even if we are sitting alone i can barely get him to hold her for more than five minutes. And then he wonders why we dont have sex! Im too damn tired usually, and so frustrated i just want to go to sleep! Is this normal?? He never had a real dad so i wonder if maybe he just doenst know what the hell he is supposed to do?? Or am I wrong??

 

So that was issue number one. Yeah.

 

Issue number 2: He still hangs out with his ex girlfriends/people he has slept with! In the beginning there was one ex girlfriend who he used to go to breakfast with-i was fine with that, but when they wanted to go see a movie together while i was at work, i said that was crossing the line. Now an old f***buddy of his comes around, and recently asked him to go to a concert with her...he said i was invited, like that would make it okay, but theres no way i could go because of the baby...and it wouldnt be so bad-except that we really dont have sex that much anymore, and i just dont trust men in general (i know, i've got issues, im not in denial)...maybe if we were having sex like we used to just about every day-i wouldnt feel that he would cheat. But either way i think it is just plain disrespectful, and insensitive. So is THIS normal?? Or am i wrong??

 

I've never asked for advice online before, so please, HELP ME!

Be brutally honest.

[helpme2]

For issue #1, I don't know much of what to tell you, my husband does all the stuff that you say your's won't, but it's kinda expected that he would. I guess sit down and tell him (don't sugar coat it either) that you are stressed out, burned out, and having trouble keeping your head above water, explain that you guys are a team and a team is only as strong as it's weakest link and you need a little extra help. Don't go in accusing him of "being bad" go in with an attitude of "I need help", men are natural rescuers. Ask him if he will do the late night feeding (the one around midnight or 1am) so that you can get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, and he will still get to sleep a few hours uninterrupted too.

 

At 7 months you might start trying to link removedthe baby, she can sleep through the night, she needs a little push though.

 

About the second issue, I have experience with that one, but I somehow think my relationship has a different dynamic than yours. I told him straight out that it makes me uncomfortable and he stopped hanging out with her and her husband.

[fishrrshortae]

ruined -

 

I think both issues are disrespectful to you. That being said, issue #1 is almost a given. Honestly, I think the best thing to do in this case is just work out a list of chores that he has to do. He might not be the best at cooking; he might hate cleaning the bathrooms. Whatever his issues, work with him on a list of things he can do (dishes, etc) that will free you up for other things. After I had my son, my son's dad didn't help out at ALL either. I mean, he would wake up at noon and the first thing he would do was grab some food and sit in front of the TV. A lot of that, I think, had to do with the changes that he suddenly had to deal with being a parent. He had NO idea what the hell to do, and whatever he did he just screwed up, so it was easier to leave it all to me. (Unfortunately, he didn't become a good parent until I kicked him out on his butt, but that's another story).

 

You also need to talk to him about his going out with exes ... and too much with other people in general. Honestly, I'd be pissed if my bf was doing that while I was at home taking care of a kid. Actually, I WAS pissed off when I was at home with a baby and his father was out running around (yes, sleeping with other women too..) That's extremely disrespectful to you and your relationship and he needs to be told that it's putting your relationship in jeopardy.

 

Are you breastfeeding still? If you aren't, then hand your baby over to papa and go out for a few hours. If you are still nursing, try to get ahold of a pump so that you can bottle it up... you NEED time out, and your fiance needs to learn how to take care of his child without interference.

 

Good luck/PM me if you want!!!

 

(and give the baby a kiss from all of us )

[ruined]

Believe me-I have BEGGED for his help. He thinks im maybe being lazy? I dont think he understands what i do all day, every day. I've told him before that I dont just sit around with the baby all day and play games! Oh and the baby mostly sleeps through the night now, she only wakes up for one feeding at 3...for the first three months of her life I was pumping into bottles, because of pain...but then I got so frustrated because it took up so much of my time to pump AND still have to warm up bottles and feed her-I NEVER got any sleep! Now though, its really hard to give her a bottle, she just gets upset-but we're working on it......

These are just two of many issues we are having lately, mostly all stemmed from the first because i am so worn out. I am starting to hold a grudge, and i somehow think that HE thinks i'm just being a baby myself sigh...............

 

THankyou both for your advice, sometimes it just feels good to vent...I think we are going to need to seek counseling, if it doesnt work out im sure you'll hear back from me lol! Thanks again!

[Batya33]

I am sorry you're going through this. Questions that occurred to me. Why aren't the two of you married (is this a mutual decision) and are there plans to marry? My hunch is that that situation adds to the tension and conflict and certainly won't be the best situation for your child to be growing up with two parents who live together, aren't married, and have tension between them. Best of luck.

[ruined]

I am shy to admit this, but...once we found out we were pregnant, we of course planned on getting married (we had talked about it previously anyway). We are on state assistance though and if we were to get married we would no longer have Medical on the baby. The baby comes first, so...until we can afford it, this is how we stay. I am currently looking for work that wouldnt make us all miserable (work from home type stuff, nannying, even babysitting) because we just need more income.

 

But now the problem is I am not sure I want to jump into marriage anymore. I've told him from the beginning we will need counseling before getting married, but i'm not sure how much it's going to help at this point-damage has been done.

 

Ya know, its not like he beats me, or starves me, or neglects me completely. We were madly in love at one time, but thats faded a bit. I've been in worse relationships, but now there is a baby to consider. I just want things to be better for all of us, especially the little one.

[Batya33]

My humble opinion is that if you do not want to marry him, move out with the baby, have him give you child support and see the baby as often as possible so that your baby does not grow up with two parents who are living together, do not get along (which at some point your child will pick up on) and are not married. Just doesn't seem healthy for you or the baby to be living with a man you do not want to marry and who you are not happy with - at some point don't you want your child to have a good role model for a healthy, loving relationship? Not at all saying you are a bad mother or making bad choices - you are trying to survive - just something to think about. . . .

[eagleman8]

If I had a friend who acted this way I'd ask why he was being such a selfish pig. You have 2 children: a baby and a little brat who is screaming " me me me me." The advice here sounds good, at least from a guy's standpoint. It could be that he's freaked out about having a baby and is trying to pretend otherwise,but he needs to step up and at least try. If not, maybe batya33's idea of moving out( if possible) might be what's needed.